AIBU to be hurt by DH even if I'm being a nightmare(5 Posts)
I'm 7 month pregnant with DC no 2 (have a DD who's 3) and I'm struggling to keep everything together. I have a stressful job (30 hrs per week spread across 3.5 days as I have to be home with DD all day Thur and Fri pm) and uncertainty about after my maternity leave. I take care of all the bills and we are also buying a house which needs work so trying to watch every penny and save like mad. some of the work needs doing before we move in or pretty much straight away. Anyway for the last 3-4 weeks things have been building up for me, DH is leaving early on a morning and DD is a handful to get ready and out of the house so by the time I get to work I'm frazzled already. I don't have set hours but have to work so many and I'm finding more and more I'm having to work later to get these in. My DH doesn't see this as a problem because he's home in good time with leaving early but this means I'm getting up at 7 and getting home at 7. He also played cricket every Sat so was gone all day. When things came to a head 3 weeks ago my DH agreed he would pack the cricket in and spend more time at home helping me. The first weekend was great, then he worked the 2nd and I didn't feel I Could complain because it was extra money for the house. The just over a week ago he said the lads at work were going to the races this Sat and he wanted to go. My first thought was the cost, followed by feeling anxious about looking after DD on my own all weekend (figured he'd be near useless on Sun) and then angry he was getting to go out. He laid it on thick about everyone going and his brother wanted to go (they work together) and not wanting to be a witch of a wife I said no problem. Lately I'm being very tearful and snappy and know I'm not easy to live with.
I then really struggled all week because everything has been getting on top of me, so much so that DH took yesterday off work so I could have some time out. I got up this morning ironed his shirt, kissed him goodbye at 11 and he said he'd stay in touch. DD was spending some time at Grandmas during the day to make it easier for me but by 2pm after cleaning all the house and doings sums to keep a check on money I felt pretty lousy so asked mum to keep DD and went to bed. I was convinced DD would text after the races and on his way into Town (Obv had to go for more drinks after) to see how I was and whether DD was home but nothing during the 50min journey. He managed to tell me he had made town a hour after getting there, but by this time I'd been crying the best part of a hour because I felt hurt and told him I wasn't interested. Another text came a hour after that saying he would get the bus home, so I told him whatever and thanks for asking how I/his daughter were. He then didn't get the next bus and didn't text again. More tears from me and then I decided to text him with exactly what kind of day I'd had and that I wasn't sure I wanted him to come home. He walked in at 11.15 and never spoke a word. He got changed and came down for food and sat in a sep room and when I went up to bed he must have decided to sleep on sofa. Having spent the next hr in bed crying some more I decided to go for a drive to the nearest Mcds for junk food and he never even stirred while I got my keys or bag or left. Whilst I was annoyed he'd gone out when things are as they are I was more hurt he never once got in touch to see how I was or how my day was going. He also had no idea whether our DD was with me or still out. To top it off while out they bumped into BILs wife who was also in town and pictures were plastered all over Facebook which stung when I was at home, feeling alone and very pregnant. I'm stuck now for what to do because I know I'm not easy to live with but I don't feel supported and I feel no matter how hard I try to pull myself around I keep getting knocked and whilst I get DH is annoyed at me and doesn't know what to do he doesn't realise I'm annoyed at me too but also him. I don't know how many different ways I can say I'm struggling but things don't seem to change.
Firstly, you need to speak up clearly and strongly when he's being unreasonable by wanting to go out on the piss all day.
Just say no! ALso don't iron the man's shirts! He can do his own ffs!
I do feel for you...it's very hard being pregnant and working but what you have to do is stop allowing him to rule the roost and do as he wants.
Tell him no! You're having a saturday off to do as you want!
And tell him he needs to NOT go out at all at the moment...but to be an adult and SAVE UP.
Not sure why you were worried about DD being out and him not knowing though.
Whilst I don't doubt you are struggling and are feeling like crap... looking at the most recent thing..
You said he could go out - you didn't make it clear you didn't want him to go out.
Did you ask him to text you, or did you just expect him to do so and then get upset when he didn't read your mind?
When he DID text you your response was unpleasant.
When he then said he was coming home, again, your response was unpleasant.
So he comes in having realised you said yes to him going out when you really meant no, and that you were in a bit of a state because he'd failed to do what you wanted him to do even though he didn't know that, and his efforts to do what you wanted him to do were too little/too late... so he was expecting grief/silent treatment...
and he was right.
I think you need to talk to him, not say things you don't mean, and not snide or snappy texts after having got yourself into a state.
I am not for one second suggesting he is a saint and has done no wrong, I am however suggesting that all this hurt you are feeling, has required TWO people to cause and will require you both to talk properly to sort out.
What Violet said.
When the dust settles, ask him to take this seriously.
You are pregnant, tired, and dealing with too much. You are working hard so that the two of you will have a nice house to live in. You acknowledge that he is also working hard.
You need some acknowledgement from him of your condition, which by dint of your sex is your part of the business of creating a family. You ask for support, which means he stops trying to see how much he can get away with in terms of time without a care in the world. It is not ok that he should be asking for this at this time.
Ask him why it is important to him to have so much free time while you or your parents carry the burden of caring for DD (acknowledge that he has given up the cricket, but also ask him if he thinks giving up cricket but replacing it with occasional other outings is fair). He is getting more for himself out of this than he seems to be giving, is essentially your point, as I understand it. Ask him if he can see that.
Sit down and plan with him how the two of you can each have time off from family cares - 'personal time'.
Plan with him a time when the two of you can sit together and unload any worries you have. Not brainstorm solutions, just express worries, and hold hands.
Try to get time together to sit down to express appreciation for each other. This is very important. This needs to be done sincerely.
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