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Who is BU, me or dd (19)?

(42 Posts)
chewadoodle Sat 16-Jul-16 22:50:21

Welcome to my very first aibu?

Me & dd had a disagreement today & I'd like guidance. So, she asked me to take a parcel to the post office, it was shoes bought online that needed returning. Dd's college course ended 3 weeks ago and she's had the parcel waiting to go back all that time. She doesn't work and spends her days in bed until lunchtime, gaming, skyping or doing her hobbies. She does nothing to contribute to the running of the house. I refused to take the parcel for 3 reasons, 1stly, if I keep doing everything for her I'm only 'enabling' her laziness and it's about time she started taking responsibility for herself. 2ndly, I was really knackered having worked for 14hrs the previous day sewing an outfit for her holiday next week & I'm still in recovery from a nervous breakdown a few months back. 3rdly, our post office has enormous queues that snake out the door & I just couldn't face it. You could say I should have instilled a better work ethic in her years ago but for background, our last 5yrs have been catastrophic as a family with many deaths, two lots of life threatening illness, a major rebuild, divorce, redundancy and major surgery, so normal life went out the window. We're now on an even keel just about and I'm gently trying to help her make the transition to adulthood. So please tell me, was I being unreasonable? I'm considering showing her this thread to illustrate others views.

19lottie82 Sat 16-Jul-16 22:51:39

Of course you weren't.

mineofuselessinformation Sat 16-Jul-16 22:51:45

Her parcel, her responsibility.

Meow75 Sat 16-Jul-16 22:53:08

I can see how, with her terribly busy schedule, she really needed you to do this takes for her.

/sarcasmoff

Meow75 Sat 16-Jul-16 22:53:21

Sorry - task

Glamorousglitter Sat 16-Jul-16 22:53:22

Aside from what s gone on in the last few years - her parcel her responsibility.

pictish Sat 16-Jul-16 22:53:40

Why couldn't she take the parcel?
If she was able to take the parcel herself and just cba, then of course she is being unreasonable. Her parcel, her lookout.

Quietlygoingmad67 Sat 16-Jul-16 22:54:45

I agree with you - I wouldn't have taken the parcel in those circumstances. I have a 19yo DD too X

BlackeyedSusan Sat 16-Jul-16 22:55:16

get your lazy arse out of bed and post it yourself.

AtiaoftheJulii Sat 16-Jul-16 22:55:46

No, of course YANBU. I've just this week given my own 19 year old (sounds similar to yours without the excuse of having had a rough time) a bollocking about being a useful adult member of the household.

acasualobserver Sat 16-Jul-16 22:56:12

Unless there was a very good reason preventing her going to the PO - and it doesn't sound like there was - why on earth did she expect you to post the parcel?

VimFuego101 Sat 16-Jul-16 22:56:28

YANBU. I would only have taken it if I was going myself.

DelphiniumBlue Sat 16-Jul-16 22:58:15

Why is it your job to return the parcel! Her parcel, her responsibility. If she had been working and you were off, then reasonable to ask you to take it, but as there seems to be no reason for her not to do it herself, I don't see why you would need to be involved.
Yanbu.

durezz Sat 16-Jul-16 23:00:08

YANBU she is 19 for goodness sake! I hate the fact that children these days are growing up in a bubble of laziness and irresponsibility made worse by the trends of things like social media.
This was such a simple thing, if you can buy shoes then you should be responsible enough to return them! She's not a child.
Good on you OP for showing some backbone and making a stand. If only there were more like you..

JeanSeberg Sat 16-Jul-16 23:00:40

Is she on holiday from uni?

chewadoodle Sat 16-Jul-16 23:08:27

Yes, she's on summer holidays now. I should have mentioned that I was going to walk past the post office and that's why she asked me to take the parcel. But I would like her to start to learn personal responsibility. It's that 'cruel to be kind' thing. So I did feel a little mean saying no, I'd just like her to step up that's all. I told her when she turned 18 that I now wanted her to make her own dentists appointments etc...Do you think she ever goes? No. She needed the doctor recently and I had to make that appt too and take her.

chewadoodle Sat 16-Jul-16 23:09:35

I fully admit neglecting my mothering role whilst we had these tough times and I don't want to be horrible to her at all but I do think it's important to gently help her move on in life.

Headofthehive55 Sat 16-Jul-16 23:22:50

It's her parcel. Mines a year older than yours. I wouldn't dream of taking a parcel for her whilst she lay in bed. Does she not have work? A list of jobs needs drawing up I think. Never mind the parcel.

Damselindestress Sat 16-Jul-16 23:25:23

Sounds like as a family you have been through a terrible time and she may be suffering from depression rather than just being lazy. However she does need to take responsibility for her own chores as an adult so YANBU at all to expect her to take her own parcel to the post office. I just wonder if there is more to her lack of motivation.

madein1995 Sat 16-Jul-16 23:32:47

YANBU. If post office was on your way to shops etc so it was on your way then that's different (in our family we all help each other so I run errands for mum if going that way and vise versa(. But it doesn't sound like that give and take is there so YANBU. Besides you work and she doesn't, so she sorts it. Admittedly my dad posted a parcel of mine last week but I work ful Time, he's retired and he didn't mind doing it .In your circs you were right op.

madein1995 Sat 16-Jul-16 23:38:35

May I suggest a nice idea apart from a list of jobs, would be making your lunch for work? Seems ott but in our house we respect the workers which means whoever doesn't work makes the workers breakfast and lunches (barring if sahp to young kids etc). When my dad worked me and mum did it for him - gave him more time in the morning and also meant he had company in morning. Now he's retired it works the other way, with him doing breakfast and lunch for us two. If all 3 of us worked it'd be different, but as it is its a nice system because it shows how we give and take. Not saying you have to obvs and not sure if dd would go for it, I've been brought up with it so I just think it works really well if possible. Its not a feminism issue because as I say, now dad isn't working hes happy to do that stuff for us - it's just teamwork and helping out

EssexMummy1234 Sat 16-Jul-16 23:47:49

So - how would your DD have put things?

EweAreHere Sat 16-Jul-16 23:56:49

She's not a child, so tell her to pull it together, get her butt out of bed, and get herself down to the post office.

And then tell her to find a useful way to contribute to the home/family she is living in/with or find another one.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Sat 16-Jul-16 23:58:19

I think there are three main issues.

With all of the trauma of the past few years she hasn't really grown up in some ways, yet probably grew up too fast in others. I think you probably need, to some extent, to reparent those years. How has she coped at Uni?

She's 'on holiday'. She's in holiday mode, you aren't. That's always a biting point!

You were going past the Post Office, it does seem a tad churlish not to take it for her, unless you can guarantee you'd have had to wait a long time.

On the other hand, if it's not give & take then she got no less than she deserves really...but see point 1. Re parenting a teen who has had a rough few years.

🍫

NoahVale Sat 16-Jul-16 23:58:33

yanbu,
dont let her make you feel you are.

She needs to do something.
but you dont need to argue about it.

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