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To ask If this sounds like delayed PND or am I Just a crap mum?

(33 Posts)
c0nfusedmama Sat 16-Jul-16 21:06:29

I have changed name for this as I don't want it linked to my usual posts. Been a lurker for a long time (penguin bollards) and poster for a fair while.

Dd is almost 3, I adore her but I am struggling with her - I don't think her behaviour is anything out of the ordinary for her age but I am really struggling to cope. Dp works nights and whilst he is great when he is here I end up dealing with her on my own a lot. I have no support outside of dp.

On the surface it is nothing major, not listening, being over silly, throwing things, tantrums when she doesn't get her own way, flat refusal to do any hin she doesn't want to do. She is a smart child, her vocabulary and comprehension is far above her age according to HV.

I have previously suffered with depression and was diagnosed with Ante-natal depression when I was pregnant so have 3 monthly reviews with my HV but I find it difficult to talk to her about my feelings. Because of my struggling to accept being pregnant and feelings of it not being real we had to have a lot of meetings with social services etc. They closed the case with no further involvement but I hated being watched and I guess is why I am hiding behind smiles.

I just feel so utterly drained by everything. I have no energy, I am not sleeping, have out on lots of weight from comfort eating and not exercising. Because I just have no energy or inclination. I work a lot and feel horrifically guilty that dd is in childcare so end up over compensating at weekends so still not getting the rest. Even when I do get a chance to go to bed early I end up tossing and turning.

I don't feel like I have bonded properly with her, I do everything but I just feel like I am going through the motions.

Could it be PND/ general depression or am I just a really shit mum?

fassone Sat 16-Jul-16 21:10:17

You're not a shit mum.

What do you do for yourself?

PuntasticUsername Sat 16-Jul-16 21:14:10

I don't think you're a shit mum. You sound like a mum who cares about her DD a great deal, but who is struggling for some very understandable reasons. You need to access the help that's there for you, but I understand why it's hard to open up to medical professionals sometimes. Is your DP understanding/sympathetic?

Quodlibet Sat 16-Jul-16 21:14:44

It does sound like you could be depressed. When you are depressed it's really difficult to summon the energy to maintain relationships. Children that age are such hard work and so very demanding and uncompromising. Having previously suffered depression, and now being the parent of a toddler, I can see how the combination of the two could be very difficult.

If you can put aside your anxieties, it sounds like a visit to the GP to explain how you feel is in order. There's lots that can be done to help you out of this rut.

You obviously care deeply about your daughter - please don't think of yourself as a shit parent.

c0nfusedmama Sat 16-Jul-16 21:17:52

Nothing really. As I say dp works nights (12hrs) and I have no support so very rarely get a night off. I think I have been out 4 times since she was born.

I was told for nearly 20 years that I couldn't have kids so getting pregnant was a huge shock that I am not sure I ever came to terms with. I feel like there is so much pressure to be brilliant at it because I had wanted it for so long. My friends all had kids while we were in our early 20's so they are teenagers now. I tried to go to baby groups etc but the ones local to me were either empty or full of girls in their late teens/early 20's who weren't interested in speaking to me (can't blame them I am old enough to be their mum and at their age I probably wouldn't have befriended the oldest one in the room).

Paintedhandprints Sat 16-Jul-16 21:18:56

Sounds normal to me. You need some time to yourself. Even just an hour doing something or nothing. Read a book, go for a run. Surf the net.
Toddlers are exhausting and relentless.

c0nfusedmama Sat 16-Jul-16 21:29:12

Quod any idea what the chances they would alert social services is? I really can't take the judgemental looks and comments. I had enough scathing comments because I refused to breast feed.

fassone Sat 16-Jul-16 21:31:22

You need time to yourself. That's not a luxury, it's a necessity.
I was sort of in your shoes in the past but I carved out time three times a week and forced myself to the gym. It really did make a difference to my mood and motivation.
Toddlers are hard work, there were many days I thought mine would break me.

JapaneseSlipper Sat 16-Jul-16 21:36:37

I'm not qualified to comment, but thought I'd say that it sounds very tough, not having anyone other than your partner for help.

The way we bring up children these days is really isolating and difficult. No wonder people struggle. flowers

c0nfusedmama Sat 16-Jul-16 21:40:05

Fassone but how do I get there when I have no one to look after dd? Do these places operate a crèche facility? Dp works nights so sleeps during the day. I work and get home on time to sort dinner and do bedtime routine. He works a stupid shift pattern that means he gets 1 weekend off in 6. We have his older kids eow and one night a week when his ex isn't being a knob about contact and I refuse to leave him with all the kids on his own - his other kids need time alone with their dad too so i don't feel it would be fair to have time out on that weekend. It isn't their fault that their dad doesn't live with them. They adore dd but they also didn't ask for an annoying toddler running around them every time they see their dad!

I have said to dp that I need time out and he is willing but it literally only managed to happen 4 times maybe since she was born.

My best mate and I have ordered a spa day voucher and trying to find a day to get it booked in is proving nigh on impossible!

Flamingo1980 Sat 16-Jul-16 21:46:33

Where do you live? I will have a look at support groups for you. I'm so sorry you are going though this. I know how you feel.
I'd say it's the lack of support that your main problem. Human beings were never supposed to raise children alone and this is why.
Join local parenting groups on Facebook,
Join a local health and lesuire club, chat to mums in the park and at your daughters nursery. You should not be alone it's just all wrong.
Your daughter does sound pretty normal so don't worry too much about that.
Get some sleeping pills too. Xxx

Flamingo1980 Sat 16-Jul-16 21:49:48

Ps there's Creche facilities at good Heath and lesuire clubs. There's one at mine that provides four hours a day!!! Included in the price!!!!

MyMurphy Sat 16-Jul-16 21:52:09

You need to put her in a nursery to give you a break? You get so many hours free now!

fassone Sat 16-Jul-16 21:55:53

I don't know what's near you in terms of crèche facilities but I used to either get up an hour early and go to gym before work, go at lunchtime or go after work.
Can your DH sort dinner before he goes for night shift? Or are there any of her nursery workers who'd be willing to babysit for an hour for you some evening?

c0nfusedmama Sat 16-Jul-16 21:57:28

Thanks flamingo will pm you when I get on the pc as never worked out how to from the app!

Dd goes to a childminder and is the first to be dropped off and first to be picked up so o never see any of the other parents. I couldn't have planned it any worse.

I have looked at changing jobs but there aren't many around and this one whilst not stable means that we can manage term time hold are without outsourcing once dd starts school and hopefully we can juggle most of the holidays without having to pay out too much. Dp gets home about 7am so will be able to get dd to school and I will be able to pick her up most days with dp doing at least 1 so I don't lose too many hours.

I guess what really is my mum lives semi local but has no interest in dd. I am fully aware that she has no obligation to help and I am under no illusions that she owes me any sort of help. But she knows how drained I am and how much pressure I am under and doesn't ever offer. But has just spent 2 weeks looking after my sister's dd and has gone up again this weekend and has another 2 weeks booked off work in the summer to help her. My BIL works away and they have recently moved to a new area where my sister knows no one but I did the same when dd was 6 months old and have never had anywhere near the support.

Dp's dad is frail and his mum died when dd was a newborn - my fil admits he isn't capable of looking after dd on his own and often tells me he admires me for doing it all on my own.

c0nfusedmama Sat 16-Jul-16 22:08:30

The crèche facilities is good to know I will have a look. I know the chain gym in our nearest big town doesn't offer one but I will see if there are others locally as that sounds like it could be a big help. I used to love going to the gym if only to pound out my frustration on the stepper!

Dd asked to start ballet lessons earlier this year after a weekend with friends who's daughter dances. I am starting to make acquaintances with some of the mum's which is a good start. I don't have to sit in the class with her but I have to stay in the building so I guess as she gets older that will hopefully open up friendships?

Do sorting dinner depends on the day of the week and whether he has to be in early/his turn to do lifts/whether he has to pick his other kids up.

Dd starts preschool in sept as her cm doesn't offer the free hours so I will get about 45 mins between finishing work and picking her up which I intend to use to go for a walk/jog around the park across the road from it to try and give myself some me time.

Thank you. Just being able to type it and have people tell me it's normal/ I am not shit has really helped.

JapaneseSlipper Sat 16-Jul-16 22:11:27

Argh OP I'm pissed off at your mum on your behalf (sorry if that's unnecessarily harsh). Do you think you could ask her for help on a specific date - for example, a good time to go to the spa with your friend - and see if that works? It's incredibly unfair that she doesn't offer imo, but it may be that your sister is more upfront with her needs.

I actually do believe that parents have a bit of a duty to help with their grandchildren, but I know that is an unpopular opinion on here.

Regarding your father-in-law. How is your relationship? I wonder if you could either go to his place, or he come to yours, and have him keep an eye on your DD - maybe watching TV together - while you have a rest in the bedroom, or a bath, or potter in the garden etc? Could allow you a little breathing space?

Flamingo1980 Sat 16-Jul-16 22:12:58

Press on the three little dots at the bottom of this message and you will get the option to pm!

c0nfusedmama Sat 16-Jul-16 22:21:01

There are no dots on the iPhone app sad but o am really rubbish with phones!

Japanese - unfortunately. He is virtually deaf and has very poor mobility. He would say yes if I asked and then worry himself silly and make himself ill stressing about it. He is a lovely man who I adore but it genuinely wouldn't be fair to him or dd.

I have asked my mum and she always has an excuse - too tired from work/has to walk the dogs/standing date with her best friend that cannot be moved for anything or anyone except Dsis I end up just upsetting myself that she is so disinterested. Makes me miss my mil all the more. I read posts on here and feel sad for people who have horrid mil's - mine was a truly wonderful lady. She would be spinning in her grave seeing my mum throwing away time that she would have cherished.

MyMurphy Sat 16-Jul-16 23:58:15

Sorry, was confused. Are you working then, OP? your partner works 6 nights a week? I know you said he shouldn't share his kids evening visits with yours, but in the short term i would say that he will have to, to give you a night off. In this circumstance I think your needs have to take priority xx

MyMurphy Sat 16-Jul-16 23:59:51

Having said all that though OP, generally this is true for all working mums, it will get better as she gets older x

canary1 Sun 17-Jul-16 00:15:02

So sorry you are having a tough time. I think what you described in the first post could certainly be depression. You should go to GP about this. I think a combination of antidepressant treatment and other measures improving things for yourself practically like other posters have mentioned. You really need some down time to yourself occasionally though it sounds v tricky to arrange that- how disappointing that your mum won't help. But plenty of what you described sounds like a depressive episode too, and you would benefit from medical treatment. And your GP would not be calling in social services given what you have said, he/ she would just treat your depression.

c0nfusedmama Sun 17-Jul-16 09:02:50

Murphy yes I work just shy of full time and Dp works really random shift pattern that means he does 5 nights one week and 4 another and then sometimes it is 6/7 depending if he is covering holidays or sickness for other people.

Canary - thanks for the reassurance. I am not scared of them taking dd away but I just feel that the sw who was appointed when I was pregnant was just awful with me and the one assigned when dd was born was a nightmare. Mind I think she was heavily influenced by the hv I had at the time who definitely didn't think dd should be placed with me because I wouldn't bf! The fact that I was in desperate need of pain medication that could cross through and kill dd seemed to have escaped her notice!

c0nfusedmama Sun 17-Jul-16 09:03:02

Murphy yes I work just shy of full time and Dp works really random shift pattern that means he does 5 nights one week and 4 another and then sometimes it is 6/7 depending if he is covering holidays or sickness for other people.

Canary - thanks for the reassurance. I am not scared of them taking dd away but I just feel that the sw who was appointed when I was pregnant was just awful with me and the one assigned when dd was born was a nightmare. Mind I think she was heavily influenced by the hv I had at the time who definitely didn't think dd should be placed with me because I wouldn't bf! The fact that I was in desperate need of pain medication that could cross through and kill dd seemed to have escaped her notice!

mommy2ash Sun 17-Jul-16 09:17:41

You sound exhausted. I'm a single full time working mum and I know what it's like over compensating at the weekends. I'm exhausted and I know sooner or later something is going to give. Can you speak to your partner about getting some time for you? Do you have any interests outside of work and child rearing?

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