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To consider moving to Seoul Korea

(62 Posts)
BeauBellBlack Sat 16-Jul-16 18:02:50

I've been offered a great promotion at work but the job is based in Seoul Korea, The contract is for a minimum of 4 years. I would then have the option to relocate back to the UK and it starts in December.

I've been working so hard to get to this point in my career and I'm desperate to accept, the only issue, is that I have 2 DC's with ExH, DS(8) & DD(6)

We don't have a court order custody and he's not very involved in their lives. He sees them one weekend a month but more over the holidays, he also doesn't pay for any sort of maintenance but he loves them to bits and I know he'll fight me on this.

So practical questions: do custody disputes get settled within 4 months?
If not would I be able to take them or would he be able to get an order that says I can't? Would I be able to dispute the order?
ExH also has another child, another on the way and a DP, would any of that be taken into consideration?

Schools in Korea start in March, I've already contacted an International School that says they do have spaces available for the coming school year but I'd have to apply quickly, so the plan would be to get there for the beginning of December & the kids will get an early summer holiday before starting a new school year.

They'd come back to the UK for holidays, so it isn't like he won't see them for 4 whole years.

It's unlikely a promotion like this will come up again for a number years

Would it be utterly unreasonable to all of them for me to do this

Scarydinosaurs Sat 16-Jul-16 18:09:30

I think you should say- I'm considering this, before I seriously consider this, I would like to know your thoughts and how you would feel about it, and how you would like to approach access/custody/etc

That way you're approaching him before it is fait acompli and he is more likely to be more amenable to negotiating a mutually beneficial resolution with the children at the heart of the solution.

wheresthel1ght Sat 16-Jul-16 18:37:53

Whether you can settle custody is 4 months is very dependent on how reasonable he is and what provisions you and your company are prepared to make to facilitate contact ie will Company pay for any flights home for visits

Yes he can stop you, he can apply for a a court order (prohibitive steps order I think) that will prevent you taking them out of the country.

I am not sure what I would do in your shoes. I am not sure I could take my dd to the other side of the world and effectively end her relationship with her dad (we are together for info)

Ivorbig1 Sat 16-Jul-16 18:46:45

Yabu. 4 years is a massive amount of time during childhood. As a parent you make sacrifices, I'd say this was one such sacrifice you need to make. It's totally unreasonable to put your career before your children's relationship with their father and half siblings.

RealityCheque Sat 16-Jul-16 18:52:43

To even consider this move (assuming that the children's father would be against it) would be fucking disgraceful.

In the long term your kids would hate you for it.

In any case he can very simply stop it with a court order. If he has parental responsibility then you MUST apply to a court to take them abroad unless you have his consent.

In fact 'technically', assuming you both have parental responsibility (ie you were married when they were born), neither of you are permitted to leave the country (even for a holiday) without the others written consent.

KickAssAngel Sat 16-Jul-16 18:53:39

I do know people who have international arrangements for children & parents so it is possible. However, it would be hard to do in such a short space f time unless your Ex is really in agreement.

How would you feel about your DCs staying with him, and coming to you for the holidays? How would your children feel?

IS your Ex able to take them for longer periods over the holidays rather than just at weekends?

Then approach him with a suggestion for resolving this.

What happens if you say no to the job? Would you be offered something again or is it the end of the road?

JennyOnAPlate Sat 16-Jul-16 18:54:05

Yabu. Your children's relationship with their father is far more important than a job.

Peppapogstillonaloop Sat 16-Jul-16 18:57:35

He sees them one weekend a month! Hardly father of the year! He would probably see them for more time if had them for long holidays. But would this be feasible? Amazing opportunity for you and your girls to live in such an interesting country.

Silverstreaks Sat 16-Jul-16 19:02:53

YANBU. Travel is a marvellous thing to do as an adult or child.
Broach it openly with your ex. Say you're considering it but nothing has been decided. It won't be easy on either of you but you'll resent your decision if you don't even try.
Good luck.

Shenanagins Sat 16-Jul-16 19:10:32

I agree with scarydinosaurs advice and I think you'd be daft not to consider it. There is no reason why they can't maintain a relationship with their dad over holidays although I would feel differently if you had 50/50 access.

BeauBellBlack Sat 16-Jul-16 19:10:36

Honestly whether he'd agreed would hinge on his mood, he goes through periods were he's brilliant and contacts them throughout the weeks and is excited to have them over and then their are months were even getting him to take them on his allotted weekend is an absolute battle.

I can't even get him to take them every other weekend or be involved in their daily lives outside of his allotted time, he doesn't take them to school or go to parents evening, if they're sick he calls me instead of taking them to the doctor himself, I'm not even sure if he knows where their GP is.

I'm considering this because I don't think they have much of a relationship with their father for me to destroy.

This opportunity may not be my last, but it will certainly set me back a number of years.

squoosh Sat 16-Jul-16 19:12:13

Why doesn't he pay any maintenance?

RedHareWithBlondeHair Sat 16-Jul-16 19:15:45

I would absolutely go. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. You are not being selfish - you are supporting yourself and therefore them. Though these sort of agreements are rarely worked out in 4 months unless the other parent is an active supporter of the other but you should take this opportunity.

Scarydinosaurs Sat 16-Jul-16 19:15:58

beau don't bother trying to time it right- there is no right time and you've not got long to decide.

Write an email which outlines the details and maybe some suggestions of how time can be split, and then call him to discuss it before you send it, but only broadly, let him absorb the details properly in the email.

Plenty of parents work one abroad one in UK anyway- it isn't beyond the realms of possibility or the end of their relationship. It will work as well as you want it to- but get a dialogue going early on, and let him feel part of the decision making process. Considering the infrequent contact he already has, I doubt a court would stop you leaving anyway- but far far better to have a cooperative arrangement.

squoosh Sat 16-Jul-16 19:16:04

'There is no reason why they can't maintain a relationship with their dad over holidays although I would feel differently if you had 50/50 access'

I agree with this.

BeauBellBlack Sat 16-Jul-16 19:17:05

Squoosh, he just refused, saying he couldn't afford it, even though he works and after learning that their's no way to make sure he pays, I chose to give up on it.

squoosh Sat 16-Jul-16 19:19:25

I'll never understand these parents who apparently love their children to bits and yet refuse to contribute financially towards their upbringing!

Scarydinosaurs Sat 16-Jul-16 19:20:09

Can you not go through CMA?

Peppapogstillonaloop Sat 16-Jul-16 19:22:44

I think the email/phone call is a good idea. Make it clear that you are asking his opinion to try and make it work rather than presenting A done deal. Try and highlight some positives for will know what kind of things will work..

BeauBellBlack Sat 16-Jul-16 19:24:01

ScaryDinosaurs, I've read that even if CMA tells him to pay up, he can just choose not to and they don't really do anything about it. I like your idea of an email, it will give me the chance to really highlight all the pro's and show that moving doesn't mean that he won't see them again.

KissMyArse Sat 16-Jul-16 19:25:46

How do your children feel about it?

Are they happy to leave their friends and relatives (I'm assuming there are grandparents involved)?

HopeArden Sat 16-Jul-16 19:27:28

I would fight him on this. He sees them once a month and pays no maintenance - he is a shit father!

I would tell him that if he doesn't agree, you will persue him for all the child support you are owed.

See a solicitor and find out what you can threaten him with to get him to comply

AdoraBell Sat 16-Jul-16 19:28:26

Well if he refuses to agree then you can't take the promotion, can't get a pay rise and so will have to pursue child maintainance wink

I would do as Scarydynasour suggests to start with.

Scarydinosaurs Sat 16-Jul-16 19:28:47

I don't know why you think that, apply via CMA- though maybe wait until this is done first! Good grief, get this sorted before stirring that nest.

Email with three/four different holiday and visiting options will make him feel like you're working with him. But, to be honest, he'll probably see this as an excuse to not sustain contact. In a weird way, it may actually help as he will have less more concentrated contact, which clearly suits him better than regular short contact. Double check your flight entitlement for your job- you may be able to use your free flights to fly him out to you, or be entitled to free flights for your children.

Well done for the job offer, it's a great achievement.

Birdsgottafly Sat 16-Jul-16 19:33:31

""do custody disputes get settled within 4 months?
If not would I be able to take them or would he be able to get an order that says I can't? Would I be able to dispute the order?
ExH also has another child, another on the way and a DP, would any of that be taken into consideration? ""

If he fights you on this, it will only be settled in four months, if the ruling is that you can't go.

If he sights (half) Sibling contact is going to be regular, than that's to his advantage.

You can challenge it, but you'd need grounds, which you couldn't show, within the time period.

Set out a workable contact arrangement, if you go and put it to him straight away. That way, he can calm down and think about it.

If he says no, then you'll have to accept it.

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