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to ask if some of you will never LTB?

(34 Posts)
Cleanhousedirtyhouse Sat 16-Jul-16 13:21:48

Always namechange when I mention dh.

There are a lot of posters on mn who advise ltb, and who could really argue with the logic when we're talking about dv, risks to dc etc.

But I also see a lot of threads turn into massive LTB fests when discussing indequate (perhaps not the right word, maybe I mean dickhead) DHs.

Eg comment; "DH only does 10% of the housework, takes mil's side in everything and is always moody."
Response: "LTB"

Whilst I don't doubt that there are MNers that really would get rid, and have much higher standards than me, are more assertive than me and really just better at being grown women than I am (I admire them), aibu to ask if there are any wives out there that have no intention of ltb and why?

I won't list all of my dh's shortcomings (I did once and 2 different responses said ^"if this is even real."^) but he is real and I"m sure there are lots of men like him, his friends are like him and they're also married.

I'm not desperate, I do have other options, but he was a lot kinder before marriage and dc and now I'm in too deep with the dc, in laws, inter-twined families, finances and lives, and I'm not brave enough to deal with the fall out from divorce and do actually love him so I dont ltb.

Anyone similar?

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes Sat 16-Jul-16 13:30:13

My ex had me entangled.

He separated me from friends. Won my parents over so that they thought he was wonderful and any issues were my fault. I had no access to money. No phone. No house key.

I got away. But I did it entirely on my own with a one year old and no support from anyone. My parents were even actively trying to make things awkward and get me to stay.

I can see how some people think there's no hope, they're trapped where they are and there's no escape. I had moments where I felt that leaving was going to be impossible and almost gave up.

It was hideous. I was effectually his prisoner. I totally understand the phrase 'married alive'. It 100% described my situation.

Even after I left he had a hold over me that I can't describe. He also kind of stalked me for a bit. A more vulnerable person may well have given in and gone back.

LingTB is really hard. Really, really hard.

Bytheseabythesea Sat 16-Jul-16 13:30:36

I think I have accepted that I am a lot of the time operating like a single parent with a lodger who provides good childcare on a regular basis, does a few things around the house, and sometimes provides fun company. I just make sure I get to do what I want enough to be happy, and am not stopped from doing things I like to do. I think my DH would be shocked if he knew that was my attitude. I also make sure I have good independent financial stability in case things or I change, which may happen as DC gets older. For now, I choose to stay.

justnotaballetmum Sat 16-Jul-16 13:51:14

I won't. The detrimental effect on the children is just too negative.

Jakadaal Sat 16-Jul-16 13:57:13

I feel I should have left years ago but low self esteem convinced me to stay as at least someone loved me. Now too entangled with dc, schools, families etc. I know dh loves me but it's not a 'grand passion' and I know in my heart that's something I want.

Girlwiththedragontattoo Sat 16-Jul-16 14:05:23

Me things never seem to be bad enough to go! He looks after the kids while I work but mainly trashes the house instead of helps. I seem to be sad most of the time but the idea of splitting everyone up just seems to hard. Plus the fact Id have to give up my job and start all over again. I can't say it's love that makes me stay we don't argue but I just don't feel anything he says he loves me all the time! I know this makes me a horrible person and I admire those who can end it but I'm not one of them

marriednotdead Sat 16-Jul-16 14:09:21

I stayed for at least a decade longer than I should have. He was never violent, did his share of the domestic chores, bought me flowers etc and my family and friends thought he was great. The weren't living with the controlling, moody, weed/alcohol/gambling addicted man I was.

I finally ended it last year and although the turmoil was horrendous and I rarely see the step kids- that hurts most- it was the best decision I have ever made. I finally see that I'm worth so much more.

Pricklefish Sat 16-Jul-16 16:23:06

I have exactly one year left before I can leave my husband. It's been a long haul. One more kid to see through GCSE s. Daylight is on the horizon.

Badabingers Sat 16-Jul-16 16:25:16

I won't. He doesn't help with DC but is a doting father. I have no income, no cash, nowhere to go. Staying is far less scary than leaving.

LegoCaltrops Sat 16-Jul-16 16:30:30

I would leave my DH in a heartbeat if he ever struck me, deliberately hurt me, cheated on me, became an alcoholic or a gambler. (My dad is an alcoholic & it massively affected my childhood.) But I don't think I'll ever need to as I don't think he'd ever do any of those. Plus he knows where my line is & he is much less independent than me (nice way of saying I'd be fine whereas he knows he wouldn't.) He has serious MH issues & while he isn't perfect he's lovely. If he could just start tidying up occasionally...

MayhemandMadness Sat 16-Jul-16 16:40:03

Dh is an alcoholic, part of me would like to leave, but the thought of trying to sort out finances etc - i just dont have the emotional strength to deal with it all.

goddessoftheharvest Sat 16-Jul-16 16:52:25

I know someone who absolutely should LTB as she is suffering severe abuse. However she won't, because she is afraid that her partner's retaliation in the event of a split would be worse than the abuse he currently metes out. I swing between seeing where she is coming from, and stoll thinking she has to LTB because she and her three children are living in an abusive household and I worry about the long term effects on the children

It's a rotten situation..... I was once in a relationship that was on the brink of becoming abusuve, and I'm so glad that LTB still felt like an option to me, because I see how for many women it isn't

shrunkenhead Sat 16-Jul-16 17:11:49

Badabingers said it. Staying is far less scary than leaving.

flirtygirl Sat 16-Jul-16 18:33:21

I stay when i should have left many times over but i tell myself if i get to 20 or 30 or 40 years, will the years of unhappiness matter or will i see the ups and downs (severe downs) that come from a longterm relationship.
I feel i will never truly have the strength to walk away but one day i might, who knows, but for now i stay and carry on.
I love my hysband sometimes but if the rest of the love dies and becomes only hate, hurt and resentment that i sometimes do feel then thats the time to go.

Cleanhousedirtyhouse Sat 16-Jul-16 23:08:55

Hi all pps I didn't post and run, its just been a very hectic day. I've been rrading through all of these. Thanks so much for sharing. The things that go on behind closed doors... I think in reality there are so many people biding their time, waiting for kids to grow up or waiting for an opportunity to minimise fall out

angryangryyoungwoman Sun 17-Jul-16 00:13:48

This is an incredibly sad thread. I really feel for everyone living in a situation where they feel any of the feelings described above

Roundles Sun 17-Jul-16 00:17:49

I might not (ltb). He's stopped alot of the terrible behaviour but we don't have a (in any way) sexual relationship and I'm always scared he could lose it again. Wish I had advice but he has no one else and I don't know if I've swapped one nightmare for another.

Roundles Sun 17-Jul-16 00:19:41

Sorry that was SUCH a late to the thread worry dump sad

Roundles Sun 17-Jul-16 00:23:38

No children and I own my own home (we are.both in our thirties). He lives with parents.

Cleanhousedirtyhouse Sun 17-Jul-16 00:42:40

Roundles it sounds horrible. Have you told people in rl, are there people around you that can help you?

Roundles Sun 17-Jul-16 01:07:48

clean very much alone, can't see a way of making a change.

Cleanhousedirtyhouse Sun 17-Jul-16 01:13:33

Roundles, Any opportunity to make connection through work, local groups, clubs or even something like seeing formal /pro help through GP, womensAid or that sort of thing?

Roundles Sun 17-Jul-16 01:15:06

Embarrassed to admit it was only through reading relationships threads here that I was able to accept something was wrong. I worked in a DV unit and referred people daily, but couldn't see myself and that my situation was wrongsad

Roundles Sun 17-Jul-16 01:20:06

Thank you clean. It feels so much more legitimate when someone else says that. Yes I can so easily access these programs but so scared to do it when the p (xp?) is still in my life. I feel liked a failure as a human, I'm no longer in an abusive relationship but now I'm stuck in a non relationship

Roundles Sun 17-Jul-16 01:21:38

Which probably means it is still an AR, I'm lost and stuck.

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