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Child maintenance...(sorry)

(30 Posts)
clashofclanswidow Sat 16-Jul-16 12:00:46

Don't know if this is the right place to post, just feeling fed up and looking for outside perspective (even though my version will be very one sided I guess)

ExP has not paid child maintenance into my account, due yesterday...

It's a special occasion for him on Sunday and I know he is away, so could be a genuine mistake. I guess I'm concerned he is going to forget and then have no money to pay it! (Likes to splash his cash!)

I should just have the balls to ask him to pay it (haven't yet) but I'm tempted to claim via CMS now...

Reasons are - he missed the first payment (argued it was set up after pay day, even though messages were sent beforehand) we have argued over amounts, he didn't want to pay any extra for baby when born.

This is also gonna make me sound bitter but he left me for someone else half way through my pregnancy and since then, it just seems like the girls have taken a back seat...he doesn't seem to be thinking about them if he hasn't remembered to pay CM?

He also threatened to take me to court if I applied for CM, for access (even though he has bloody access and I don't think he would anyway) which is why I never bothered before.

I would prefer to sort this out between us but I'm just getting fed up with it now. At least if it was done through CMS, I would never have to discuss it with him again, even if I came out with less!

But AIBU to go down this route if he has just forgotten this time and is it going to open up a can of worms??? I don't know what to do for the best and I'm just winding myself up thinking about it!

Becky546 Sat 16-Jul-16 12:06:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

howtofixme Sat 16-Jul-16 12:06:26

You could send a quick text to ask where the money is, and to remind him that you are not using the CMS as per previous threats, but you are prepared to do that if he does not sort it out and make sure all future payments arrive on time. He has then had fair warning what will happen next time he is late.

clashofclanswidow Sat 16-Jul-16 12:19:47

They're only 2.5 and 7 weeks old. He bought nothing at all for the baby, didn't send any money for her last month and since forgetting yesterday, means I've still had nothing for her.

I know she is just a baby and I don't want to come across as a money grabber or anything daft but he should still have responsibility to provide for her?

He does have a terrible financial past though overall, which I guess is why I'm concerned. Also telling me he couldn't afford extra for the baby but would tell me about his football games (not a local team) and tattoos etc. He's still immature and doesn't grasp priorities.

We've been split 6 months so it's all still "fairly" recent and I don't want to jump the gun...but it seems to become an arguement every month.

lalalalyra Sat 16-Jul-16 12:23:19

I wouldn't let him threatening to go to court for access stop you putting in a CMS claim. It's more expensive (unless he represents himself), it'll take effort and even if he does formalising access arrangements isn't always a bad thing. He'll also get the short shrift if he mentions anything about maintenance because they are two separate things.

If he's flaky with maintenance I'd go with CMS. Tell him you want to save the monthly arguments.

AyeAmarok Sat 16-Jul-16 12:24:11

In light of your last post, definitely go via CMS.

You're not being a money-grabber by expecting your DD's father to financially support her. The money is for her and she has a legal right to be supported by both parents, regardless of whether you need it. So put that thought out of your head!

Becky546 Sat 16-Jul-16 12:27:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FiveFullFathoms Sat 16-Jul-16 12:29:39

In your shoes, I would go through the Child Maintence Service. It's perfectly standard and is nothing for him to get his knickers in a knot about. Maintence shouldn't be optional and it is not money grabbing to want to buy essential items for your child.

If he wishes to apply for access via the courts, he can do so. Don't allow him to hold this over you as any kind of a threat. Any judge will agree that a tiny baby should stay with you overnight for now so don't worry on that score.

I spent a long time trying to keep things 'amicable' with my ex and didn't approach the CMS for a long time because I knew he would go off on one over me 'turning nasty'. You know what? It's pretty nasty to withhold essential money from your children on a whim and he did that frequently. I finally decided that I didn't care what he thought of me anyway.

reallyanotherone Sat 16-Jul-16 12:33:45

Agree with above.

I'd tell him you don't want to argue over money, so you think it will be easier to remain amicable if the cms organise the money side, then he also knows he's meeting his legal obligations.

RandomMess Sat 16-Jul-16 12:35:36

I would just go via CMS because then he continues to default/mess around they can do a deductions of earnings order which will ensure you get it.

clashofclanswidow Sat 16-Jul-16 12:51:47

I think you've helped me make my mind up. I need to stop feeling/worrying so much about things and just get on with it. I just hate confrontation but I guess I'll cross that bridge when it comes to it - don't need to engage in it afterall I suppose, ugh.

RubbleBubble00 Sat 16-Jul-16 13:38:58

So he missed first payment and now has had one late. I'd text him reminding him the maintenance hasn't gone in. I'd keep it the same at the moment but any more flakiness then I'd go down cms route but they encourage mutually cooperation anyway to start with

Emergencyigloo Wed 20-Jul-16 21:09:46

Have you read that child maintenance is stopping?

I had a letter last month stating that I'm part of the first wave of national rolling out.

Probably because my payments are so low, it won't affect me financially (£20 a month automatically deducted from his unemployment benefits. He's been unemployed from the age of 21 to now age 50, but he makes thousands a year selling on eBay which he doesn't declare to the taxman and the CSA weren't interested in knowing about)..

To resume payments I now either have to

a) Agree with him personally (DV past, so he'll refuse)
b) Use the Child Maintenance Options which costs £20 to set up and takes 20% off him and 4% off every payment to me

This may be why your payment didn't appear.

RandomMess Wed 20-Jul-16 21:15:17


You haven't understand, new claimants haven't been able to use CSA for several years!

LouisCK Wed 20-Jul-16 21:24:51

Emergency a you had a letter from whom?

CSA went a while ago but I think they've only just started rolling over any CSA arrears to the CMEA. I had a phone call last week concerning an old liability order from the CSA which is finally being rolled into my arrears that my X owes since I moved over to the CMS - so it could be that!

WRT to the charges - it's disgusting, obviously, but I think if there is proof of DV then you're exempt from these. I paid the charge and they have chased my X much harder than the CSA ever did - which resulted in about 6 months worth of payments. Sarcastic yay.

Emergencyigloo Wed 20-Jul-16 21:44:50

'Child maintenance arrangements made through the Child Support Agency (CSA) will be ending between now and 2017.

If the CSA handles your child maintenance, you’ll get a letter telling you:

when your child maintenance arrangement will end
how and when to make new child maintenance arrangements'

Emergencyigloo Wed 20-Jul-16 21:46:22

My payments ceased last week.

I now have to resort to the CMS or whatever the new name is to try and arrange payments, as per my first post.

JoMalones Wed 20-Jul-16 21:47:33

Definitely go through CMS. Even if he does follow through with his threat, they are so young any contact will be little and often at most. I regret waiting for years to go through CMS for similar threats.

RandomMess Wed 20-Jul-16 21:48:28

Parents who originally claimed under CSA are still with CSA but that is ending and they have to move over to CMS (hence igloo getting letter)

Several years ago any new claimants had to use CMS as CSA stopped taking on new claims Op would have to go straight to CMS if she didn't want a private arrangement with her ex.

GinAndSonic Wed 20-Jul-16 22:13:19

CMS have been great for me. There is a charge to make a claim but there is no deduction if he pays you directly, which is basically mandatory, they only handle the payments if they persistently fail to pay and then the charges are made. For me I'd be happy to lose 4% if it meant getting 96% of money owed rather than nothing, and frankly the 20% extra they take from the paying parent is an arsehole tax that they deserve to be made to pay if they can't be fucked to support their child. As it is my ex now pays in full on time which wasn't the case before CMS were involved. It's saved a lot of arguing over money, and may have contributed to us being able to be somewhat civil to one another.

Balanced12 Wed 20-Jul-16 22:17:33

Echoing PP go with CMS it reduces stress in the long run and removes the power from them in terms of making threats and withholding maintainace

LouisCK Wed 20-Jul-16 22:25:55

Hmmm. My original claim was with the CSA but I got moved straight over to the CMEA who are the enforcement arm of the CMS.

harderandharder2breathe Wed 20-Jul-16 22:48:56

OP it's not remotely grabby to want your dd's father to support her! It doesn't matter what your financial situation is, he needs to contribute.

Don't stress about him going for access, the baby is so tiny no one will suggest she should be awY from you overnight yet. And it doesn't sound like you don't want him to have access anyway? (Appropriate to dd's ages of course)

Ask him for this payment. If it comes straight away then maybe leave it and see how it goes... If not, or if you have doubts about his reliability then go through CMS.

clashofclanswidow Fri 22-Jul-16 19:07:07

Apparently he set up a standing order to the wrong bank details...

I think it's an excuse to try buy him some time but because I can't prove it, I'm holding off for now, for it to come through.

I'm marking this as his second strike, any more drama and I'm gonna go to CMS I think (three strikes etc) Thanks for all the advice x

AyeAmarok Fri 22-Jul-16 19:19:21

Good idea.

Is it worth warning him that it's three strikes then CMS? Might make him manage to get his shit together on time next month if he knows it's going to cost him?

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