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Who ibu here?

(26 Posts)
aandbplusc Fri 15-Jul-16 14:08:10

-nc but a regular. I will set background out but not say which party I am for now-

A & B have a child, C, who is 2.

A works fulltime Mon-Fri. As such A does not have a day/time without C, unless A is at work.

B works a 4 week rota, working 5 days out of 7. Fortnight 1 is Mon-Fri with Sat/Sun off, Fortnight 2 is Mon off, working through Tues - Thurs Fri Off, weekend in. B has C on the Mondays B has off but has the Fridays to theirself.

A often buys items for C - small toys such as cooking set when on offer for £1.66 for example. A also has the joint bank card. B has one too but never carries or uses it. As such A uses the joint card for items such as shopping, or top up shops that are going to be costly - i.e. £5 or more (If £5 or less, A pays out of their own pocket). B often does the same but as A is often travelling home from work without C, it's easier for C to get the items needed. A's parents don't live far from the family and A's mother bits lots of bits for C (toys from chariety shops, tshirts etc). When the family go out, they go out in Bs car. No mention is ever made regarding fuel spends.

C's birthday is approaching. C will be 2. A and B have a giftcard for Argos so decided to buy an expensive gift for C. A feels that because the giftcard was "free" that it does no harm to spend the full amount. B says it it just spending for the sake of it and it opens a can of worms. B says they feel A is always buying things for C and B never gets chance to do so as A and A's parents are usually the buyers. B feels put out and cross because of this. B brings up the fact that when B has bought things for C, this has been out of B's own money and not joint funds. A explains that they also buy items out of their own money - taking shopping and small token gifts explained above - so it's equal. B then throws into the mix the fuel money spent out of their own pocket to which A says it's not a competition.

So, if you've followed all of that above... Who IBU:

in regarding the gift card - ie spend it all or not
in regards to small token gifts
in regards to joint/separate money.

99percentchocolate Fri 15-Jul-16 14:15:07

That made my head hurt!

I don't think anybody is really being unreasonable. Do you have anything else you need to buy from Argos now or may need to in the near future which you would struggle to afford? If not then I don't see why not? But that's just a matter of personal preference
It sounds like B would like to buy some things for C but feels they can't because C has so much already. Token gifts are nice and very sweet but it gets to a point where your whole house is just full of crap and you feel like you can't buy DC this lovely thing which you know they would love because someone else just bought them X,y, and z last week.
In regards to the money, again I would say nobody is necessarily being unreasonable - you just need some ground rules and agreement.

99percentchocolate Fri 15-Jul-16 14:15:49

Apologies if I've got any of the above wrong - operating on very little sleep!

ChicRock Fri 15-Jul-16 14:19:46

A sounds resentful of B's day off alone - I don't know how mentioning that fact is relevant to the story.

I'm with B with regards to the giftcard. If there's a specific gift in mind which will cost the full amount on the giftcard then fair enough, but if A just wants to spend the whole lot because it was 'free' then that's just spending for the sake of it.

A and B need to sit down and have a proper discussion about finances. B sounds a bit tight or more of a saver, A sounds like they like spending money when it's not necessarily needed.

ChicRock Fri 15-Jul-16 14:22:48

And the constant buying of cheap tat for the child by A and their family would drive me crazy!

Zarah123 Fri 15-Jul-16 14:22:51

I hate spending for the sake of spending, just because the money is there, so I think A is being unreasonable.

I didn't really understand the joint funds bit.

aandbplusc Fri 15-Jul-16 14:26:44

I didn't really understand the joint funds bit. In a nutshell, A uses the joint card to buy food etc if/when needed but B comaplins A spends money from the joint funds. A buys some of the items from their own pocket. As it's more convenient, A often gets the items, therefore foots the "bill" rather than B get them as B is often with the child C.

user1468488303 Fri 15-Jul-16 14:30:12

I think it sounds like C has plenty of toys already and unless they really need something expensive its too much.
And A and B both sound like children squabbling over who paid for what and when. Sort your shit out and grow up a bit, the pair of you.

bumsexatthebingo Fri 15-Jul-16 14:57:36

Exactly why I hate the idea of your money/my money especially when there are children are involved. If both adults are contributing to the household, be that by doing the childcare, running the home or working then the money that comes in should be family money. Resenting paying for food for your own family or resenting a partner having a day off work caring for their child is just madness IMO.
Re the giftcard I would buy your dd something/things she will like and use. I wouldn't spend the full amount just to spend it iyswim.

Champagneformyrealfriends Fri 15-Jul-16 15:01:52

I'm guessing you're A? It all sounds very petty. I think you are both BU.

Footyfan16 Fri 15-Jul-16 15:08:58

Sounds like a load of shit to me.

You are a family, you live together, you share money.

Bigger problems going on with the world.

ShtoppenDerFloppen Fri 15-Jul-16 15:12:35

OP is being unreasonable for making that impossible to follow.

NarcyCow Fri 15-Jul-16 16:05:31

Shared finances would sort most of that.

You just have to compromise about present size. You'll get used to it.

The post was bigger than the problem.

Arfarfanarf Fri 15-Jul-16 16:34:24

B sounds like they need to take a deep breath. Does it really matter which parent buys a gift for the child they share? They're supposed to be a team. B's acting like it's a competition. The child won't be keeping tabs. They'll just be pleased they got a new toy.

They need a pool of shared money in order to stop all this my money your money pay for fuel buy this buy that crap. That's not family. All shared money, percentage shared money, however they want to work it, but some pool of family money.

B is right about spending for the sake of it. That's never a good idea. A is wrong imo to say what can we get what can we get anything will do, just spend it all. Nah. Get something the kid will love, don't waste money just cos it's 'free' money.

B needs to either carry the joint debit card and get the things they are moaning about out of family money or stfu

A needs some time to themselves. B gets a day to themselves now and again, if they begrudge that same thing for A, they're a tosspot.

A and B need wine and a cuddle and to stop bickering.

LizKeen Fri 15-Jul-16 16:42:05

Its all nonsense.

How can you honestly live like that? Keeping tabs on who pays for what, who owns the car etc. Being a family isn't a business transaction. I could never have the brain space to keep track.

branofthemist Fri 15-Jul-16 18:27:03

Me and dh gave joint and separate money. But we don't keep tabs on who spends what from our accounts.

This all seems so childish. We went to London recently, both spent about the same amounts of our 'own' money. But I couldn't give you figures. We don't keep tabs. Neither of us would dream of going 'well I bought coffee last so you must buy this one'

Also I don't get what the shifts have to do with anything. I had a job that was 9-5 mon-fri. Dhs job needed him to work one weekend day so he got Friday's to himself. But so what. It's not like he did it on purpose and I liked my job. Just how it goes. If A wants sometime to themselves, they need to speak up.

queenMab99 Fri 15-Jul-16 18:32:27

Couldn't be bothered with such petty squabbling, about time or money, grow up.

HicDraconis Fri 15-Jul-16 18:53:10

All family spends - top up shops, fuel, things for C that are needed (childcare costs, clothes) should come from joint money.

Anything that is bought on a whim ("oh C would love this <random toy> and it's on offer, I'll bring it home for her") should come from personal money. If you're doing separate and joint finances anyway - we find it easier to have one large pot into which everything goes, but I recognise this doesn't work for everyone.

In terms of the Argos card - if there's something you think C would love and it happens to take up most of the card, well no big deal unless you were planning on using some for something else. However deliberately choosing a gift that is the value of the card just because you have that much so why not spend it is a daft way to look at money. Although the gift card was "free" it's still family money - if you use it you're freeing up money that may be spent elsewhere, by not using it all for the sake of it the same prnciple applies.

The general need for spending to be seen to be equal is ridiculous (sorry!). I would rather have a day off work to spend with my children (currently work Mon-Fri 8-6 plus occasional Sat/Sun 24h each) than be able to buy them bits and bobs because they weren't there. I'd be very envious of B's Friday with C, not so much the Monday.

A&B should sit down and rehash their finances so that both A&B use the joint bank card for family spends. Their own money is theirs to spend - on C if they like - as they please.

And C won't care in 5 - 10 years who paid for a kitchen set when they were two. Or exactly which gift came from which parent's bank account, or whether it was from A's parents. They'll care that they had parents and grandparents who loved them. It's not a competition.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Fri 15-Jul-16 18:56:02

Couldn't be bothered with such petty squabbling, about time or money, grow up

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Fri 15-Jul-16 18:56:50

Oops posted too soon!

Agree with the above statement wholeheartedly!

ingeniousidiot Fri 15-Jul-16 18:56:58

Yabu to use a,b & c instead of names in such a long and overly complicated post.

happypoobum Fri 15-Jul-16 18:58:27

Why do you have separate money? All this I paid for this and they paid for that would do my head in.

When you live together and have a child, joint finances are the way to go, unless one of you is utterly shite with money.

It all sounds like a load of tedious drama, and I agree with PP, all the cheap crap for the child sounds ridiculous.

Are A and B very young?

YABVU to use a, b and c. I gave up half way through. Good luck with sorting whatever the issue is.

MustStopAndThinkBeforePosting Fri 15-Jul-16 19:00:21

C won't care in 5 - 10 years who paid for a kitchen set when they were two. Or exactly which gift came from which parent's bank account, or whether it was from A's parents. They'll care that they had parents and grandparents who loved them. It's not a competition.


But yes A and B should be having joint finances organised properly so that such petty issues don't arise.

Caken Fri 15-Jul-16 19:01:41

Sorry but both. It sounds petty. Buy stuff for your child, don't buy stuff for your child. Just don't argue over it!

It must work for some but personally I couldn't be happy if OH and I were keeping tabs on every expenditure and trying to make everything 'fair'.

And I agree with pp about A and B needing red wine and a cuddle smile

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