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what the hell do I do?

(53 Posts)
Skye80 Fri 15-Jul-16 00:39:08

Posted in relationships but this is prob the better place:

I've been with my partner on and off for nearly 5 years. We have a 2 year old ds. He has a 7 year old Dd from a previous relationship.

The reason we were on and off was for various different reasons but mainly grief which he has now dealt with. He didn't treat me great but since we've tried again the last year has been great.

We don't live together just yet but he does spend some time here and alls been going well.

This is where it gets complicated. He didn't see his dd for 3 years because his ex made up a lot of lies and kept her from him. He spent all of his savings fighting through the courts with social services etc involved and now he sees her once every 2 weeks. I've only met her once as I am cautious that they have to build up a relationship however my ds, her grandparents, aunts etc have all met her.

I've been really paranoid the last few days so I did something I've never done and looked at his phone. There's nothing to suggest he's cheating etc but what I did find was that his ex thinks we're not together! She took issue with the fact that I met her once and told my DP that she doesn't want me meeting her again because I'm not a permeant fixture!

I really don't mind not meeting her right now properly, that's completely understandable but what's got me is his ex doesn't realise we're together and he hasn't corrected her! I know he's not said it coz he wants anything to do with her and is just afraid of jeopardising his time with his DS but surely he should be honest and tell her?

I'm so upset now and just feel like walking away. If he is painting me to be an ex then I just feel like making it a reality. I've put up with so much over the years and this has just tipped me over the edge. If I mention it to him he'll get defensive and nothing will work out, I'll get no apology or anything, possibly all I'll get it 'well I need to protect my relationship with my daughter', which is fine but why lie? I appreciate we've been on and off but I'm the mother of his child and have been with him pretty much 5 years. I just feel like his dirty little secret and think I deserve better than to be lied to and be lied about..

Birdsgottafly Fri 15-Jul-16 01:04:17

I would think that the fallout, when she does find out is going to be much worse.

Unless, he wants/needs to establish regular contact, first?

Does she know about your DS? His DD is missing out on Sibling contact.

EsmeraldaEllaBella Fri 15-Jul-16 01:05:09

Wow. sorry but to me, not a permanent fixture doesn't suggest you're not together, more like that you won't be together all that long / forever

I think you both need to talk

MyNameIsAlexDrake Fri 15-Jul-16 01:11:49

Doesn't sound like he sees you as a couple at all, sorry. I think you'd be better planning for being a single mum. He sounds like an arse anyway x

JackieAndHyde4eva Fri 15-Jul-16 01:16:33

Why two threads?

Bogeyface Fri 15-Jul-16 01:24:54

Walk away.

This is toxic for all the kids involved and for you.

Who can guess at his thought processes? (Well actually I can but thats irrelevant) He didnt argue the point, he wont back down or apologise and he has not been a good partner to you. Why put yourself through it? When/if she finds out that you are together then the shit will hit the fan and you will probably be the one to suffer most.

So preempt that, and if he asks why you have dumped him then tell him the truth, but dont be suckered back in, you will just be prolonging the inevitable.

FastWindow Fri 15-Jul-16 01:30:39

That thought process doesnt help him at all though. It's far better to be in a stable relationship, if one is seeking access to a child. Especially if you've been together for 5 years and his dd is 7- it shows consistency, which is very important to the court officials considering the case.

How odd that he wouldn't play up that strength.

Aerfen Fri 15-Jul-16 01:55:22

I appreciate we've been on and off but I'm the mother of his child and have been with him pretty much 5 years. I just feel like his dirty little secret and think I deserve better than to be lied to and be lied about.

You do deserve better. Youve been together five years, have a son and yet he hasnt proposed even living together let alone getting married! You know what you need to do and I think its only fear that keeping you with this immature irresponsible creature. Two kids by two different women and he still wont commit. Prepare to be a single mum and minimise his access to his son. He is an appalling role model. And do not rush to find a replacement because you need someone very special next time who will also be a good stepfather. You owe this to your son.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 15-Jul-16 02:22:25

Do you think that you being together would mean she would stop his access to his DD? Or attempt to, if it's court ordered? Because if so, I can see why he wouldn't tell her that you're back together.

However, if you're working on living together (which your OP suggests you might be) then she's going to find out sooner or later, so he might as well come clean.

What do you do - what do you WANT to do? You could walk away of course, but is that what you want? If you know he's going to be defensive and possibly lie about what you've found, is that the way you want to live your life?

You need to think hard about what this is going to mean to you having a long-term relationship with this man. I mean, he'll always be in your life because he's father to your DS - but you don't need to be with him unless you want to.

AcrossthePond55 Fri 15-Jul-16 02:39:47

Is his a sin of 'omission' (he hasn't corrected her assumption) or of 'commission' (he actually told her you weren't together)?

Either way the two of you need to talk and he needs to be honest with you about why he's allowed her to believe that or why he's told her that. I think if I were you I could be a bit forgiving about him just not correcting her, but not about him flat out saying or agreeing you aren't together if your relationship was good.

But your statement that you've 'put up with so much over the years' makes me feel that perhaps you should take a look at the totality of your relationship with him and decide if there's a future for the two of you based on that rather than the one issue of his ex knowing you are a couple.

Skye80 Fri 15-Jul-16 07:23:20

He lied. She said to him that the only time she let her see me was the first and last time (it was Dd birthday), and he said I'll make sure she doesn't see her again.

She sees her brother every couple of weeks when he takes them both out but I'm never involved which I have no problem with. I've been really understanding of the situation and have been there for him for the whole time he wasn't allowed to see his Dd. I was there when he was accused of being an drug addict/alcoholic/abuser etc etc when he doesn't even drink and has never taken drugs in his life. He was so depressed for a long time and I helped him through it all - it caused me no end of stress through my pregnancy which is why now we don't live together. We did live together but the last time we finished I got my own place as in my eyes we were done for good but lo and behold we found ourselves back together.

It hurts because I give him my car in order to facilitate his relationship with his Dd as he's no other way of getting her yet he told her that he has my car because I owe him money!

Yes he's probably saying it to keep the peace but when does he plan on being honest? Is he just saying things to both of us to keep the peace? Does he have any plans to actually move back in with me and ds? It's just all so messed up and complicated

wavingnow Fri 15-Jul-16 07:35:59

My only thought is that she is calling the shots. He is afraid of losing contact with the DD he had with her. Sorry situation for the DD and him and you and the DS you two have. When the child is older and can make her own decisions about having contact with her father, would she be grateful that her father went through all he did so as not to lose contact with her? Could you talk about how you feel but say for now you will try to understand his situation but where does he want your own relationship to go? Then you can make a slightly more informed decision about where you are and where you want to go now...?

Babynamechange Fri 15-Jul-16 07:51:16

It hurts because I give him my car in order to facilitate his relationship yet he's told her that he has my car because I owe him money

To me this statement says everything. It's a totally unnecessary, engineered lie that also makes you look bad....and smacks of someone who is a compulsive liar. All this lying is completely unnecessary. He has court ordered contact and there's no way that will change because he's in a relationship with his other child's mother.
I very much suspect that this isn't the only situation he so lying about x

Fairenuff Fri 15-Jul-16 08:06:29

You know that he is lying to her. Talk to him about it and see if he is lying to you too.

If he is then you can't trust him and need to end the relationship for your own future happiness and wellbeing.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 15-Jul-16 08:34:05

Oh dear. It's looking worse, isn't it.
Don't know about you, but I'd be a nervous, paranoid wreck if I had to continue with this relationship. sad

Skye80 Fri 15-Jul-16 08:35:19

He is lying to me. I've asked him in the past if she is aware of our situation and he said yes.

I really just don't know what to do.

I appreciate he needs to build up a relationship with his Dd and I don't expect to be involved until the time is right, I'm not forcing that at all.

It's the lies. It's the fact that as she doesn't want me near her Dd I will have to miss family party's etc, my nephew is 4 next week and is having a party. DP said he would take ds and his Dd himself so I could have some time to myself - now I know why, because I'm not allowed to be there!

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 15-Jul-16 08:59:39

Why doesn't she want you near her DD though?

Skye80 Fri 15-Jul-16 09:01:35

Because in her eyes I'm not with my partner do not a 'permanent fixture'.

Her words where 'I don't want her around my daughter again, you told me the first time would be the last time'. And he agreed and said ok!

It's not about me being around her Dd, I'll stay away that's no problem. It's about him lying to her about us that I can't accept.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Fri 15-Jul-16 12:28:43

Ah yes, she doesn't want you getting attached if you're not going to be around permanently. So if she knew you were together, would she be ok with that then, you seeing her DD?

Aerfen Fri 15-Jul-16 12:40:38

Have you considered he could be lying to his ex about you because he wants to get back with her?
Did she dump him or he dump her?

Skye80 Fri 15-Jul-16 12:44:28

No he definitely doesn't want to, for reasons I won't go into. He's trying to keep her sweet so it doesn't jeopardise seeing his Dd which I understand but there's no need for the lies.

I've had it out with him about lying that I owe him money etc and he's completely twisted it on me saying he's not happy I looked at his phone. I'm ending it, I don't need this. I could go into so much more details on what he's done on me over the years, lying about me to family, cheating etc and I just can't do it anymore, I'm done.

user1468488303 Fri 15-Jul-16 12:47:31

He's lying to you and he's lying about you. He's probably lied to her and about her to you, as well.
And she's right that you aren't a permanent fixture, you said yourself you are on and off, don't live together, aren't involved with his dd. Why would she see you as a permanent fixture?

Babynamechange Fri 15-Jul-16 12:47:51

Her words where 'I don't want her around my daughter again, you told me the first time would be the last time'. And he agreed and said ok!

Do you know that she actually said this or is this what he said she said? Because with his track record, unless I heard her say it I wouldn't believe it. None of what he is saying adds up x

Skye80 Fri 15-Jul-16 12:50:07

User: I don't have a relationship with his Dd because she won't let me as she thinks I'm an ex.

Baby: he definitely said it, I read it on his phone.

user1468488303 Fri 15-Jul-16 12:56:28

But you don't seem to have much of a relationship with him, which is more to the point.
You seem affronted by the idea that she doesn't see you as a permanent fixture, when by your own account you aren't. I don't get it.

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