To think friend's Ds is influencing my Dd and not in a good way(25 Posts)
I have two Dd's. My eldest (11 in September) is very friendly with my friend's Ds as they're in the same year/class at school and live two streets away. There's a few things that are really getting me rattled up and quite frankly I'm sick of it but I don't know whether to approach my friend about it. I've known her for years since our kids started reception but only really started to become friends and see each other outside of school about a year ago.
So, (and I know this is judgey) she spoils her two Ds's absolutely rotten. Now that's her business but when it's starting to affect my Dd it is sort of my business too. I know that probably sounds a little weird so I'll explain.
Basically like I said our kids are good friends. We live opposite a lovely park, I can even see it from my window so they play there quite a bit after school and at weekends, all good. One of the problems I have is that every time her ds calls for my dd he always has either a ten pound or five pound note in his hand saying he's got it as pocket money. Obviously how much my friend gives him is up to her but this is happening three to four times a week. My dd is usually rather mature for her age and is clever enough to realise that other parents do things differently to me and that's why up until now she's never questioned the £5 per WEEK she gets in pocket money. But lately she keeps telling me how friend's ds gets so much and asks how come she can't have so much. I explained why (I can afford it but don't want to give her so much as for her age imo it's too much) she was happy with the answer but every time friend's Ds turns up he's mithering her to ask me for money which I think is cheeky. But there's also another issue which concerns me a bit more.
My friend's ds is overweight (around 6 1/2-7 stone). My dd is around 4 1/2- 5 stone. My friend allows him to have a lot of pocket money like I've already said but the problem is he buys tons of food with it. I'm not just talking about the odd chocolate bar, I'm talking about a family size chocolate bar, six packs of crisps and cakes, huge bottle of milkshakes and high sugar juices. Now whilst what she does with her ds is down to her it's now affecting my dd. My dd is very healthy and has a varied balanced diet but by no means misses out on treats as I believe in everything in moderation. But she's getting to an age were she's influenced by others and with my friend's ds stuffing his face at every opportunity I've noticed she's now asking for sweet stuff more and more often and I've even found lots of sweet wrappers stashed in her coat which isn't like her at all as she knows I don't ban anything.
She spends her pocket money usually on magazines, books, art supplies and rarely will buy sweets even when she knows she can. I'm not like I said an obsessive mother who keeps tabs on my kids weight constantly, or scrutinises every mouthful they take but I do want them to be healthy and I'm worried that the way my friend's ds is behaving is affecting my dd.
My friend moans that her ds doesn't want to eat his meals but that's because he's always filling up on sweet sugary crap. He very often will come home from school, have a pot noodle and loads of sugary cakes and sweets and like I said I understand it's her perogative to feed her child however she likes but I'm now finding myself saying no when she invites my dd round for tea as I know all she'll feed her is junk. Plus all the sweets and crap her ds will offer her, well it worries me. Like i said I'm not usually an over bearing mother but this is really bothering me. Aibu to want to limit my Dd's time with her ds because I don't think he's a good influence on her?
I think your being a bit UN. She wasn't hiding wrappers she put them in her pocket if she was hiding them she would have littered or put them in the bin.
Your daughter will meet many more "bad" influences in her life. Better to give her the skills and language to not go along with peer pressure.
The odd meal of junk at a friend's house won't kill her. Counterbalance by feeding the friend super healthily when he comes to you!
It's not the odd time though. They play together almost every day after school and usually see each other at a weekend. I have sat her down and spoken to her briefly about it but despite liking her "healthy foods" she's a kid after all and if sweet things are constantly shoved in her face she'll take them. I just don't know how my friend can allow her son to do this its like she just doesn't give a damn and just gives in for an easy life. He's noticeabley over weight so it's very obvious there are issues but it's like she doesn't care.
I would have a word with your friend
Ask her if she knows her ds is spending approx forty quid a week on junk
For all you know and she knows he might be taking it from her Purse?
I agree with you btw
I'd be tempted to tell your dd that she can't hang out with him as much if all they're going to do is eat crap
Could she join any clubs after school that involve sport for example
Do you live near a shop? Is that where he's buying it from ?
My friend already knows, that's part of the problem. She openly admits he's spoiled and says she works hard for her money so why not.
Sorry, yes we live right near one of those small Asda shop garages were they sell all sorts of junk. My dd does tons of sports at school and home ie basketball, gymnastics, athletics etc so at least she's active. Where as my friend's ds doesn't do a thing and spends all of his time over the park stuffing his face or sat at home on his Ps4.
I suspect that very soon she will start making new friends at her new school and going to the park with this lad won't be on her agenda.
I agree with giving her the life skills to make good choices. Her next new friend might be tempting her with fags and booze.
I have given her life skills, don't assume that I haven't, but she's a child at the end of the day and not many children will pass up sweet stuff.
Don't worry so much. Eating junk food doesn't automatically mean your daughter will become overweight.
In my experience, getting a balanced diet at home means that you know your limit with sweets.
I agree with those who say that she'll soon make new friends, with potentially worse influences.
I'm more concerned about your friends DS, unfortunately it's not your place to say anything but he is too young to understand the impact of his bad eating habits, the poor little bugger is going to end up very overweight if he carries on. I think with all the exercise your DD does the odd treat won't hurt, and as someone else stated she is getting to an age where she will probably meet some new friends.
YABU to talk to the friends parents. The best way of dealing with this is to talk to your DD and to get her onboard. She is 11 and old enough to be responsible for her own decisions. She is also old enough to understand that other kids get treated differently.
I always emphasized the importance of being able to trust the kids to make responsible choices - it comes in handy when they are older.
Your dd spends too much time in the park. She goes to the park every day after school and on weekends? Blimey. I think she's too old to be spending that amount of time hanging about in the park and going to the shops with the boy from next door. Sign her up for some afterschool clubs and then get her to do some fun stuff at home. Does she have hobbies, or skills she would like to learn - may I suggest knitting?
This boy is acting as an unofficial babysitter, obviously not a very good one, but you need to step up and find better ways for your dd to spend her time. You keep saying that you're not an obsessive mother, but frankly, you're more laid back than most mothers in terms of how much time you set your daughter loose in the park with no one for company but an overfed and overfinanced boy.
He isn't "making" her do anything. It is her choices that you are unhappy with so you need to take it up with her if there is a problem.
I think all you can do is talk to your DD about what is, to you, an acceptable level of junk food - per day, week or whatever. I don't think you really have any right to judge your neighbour or her son - it's their money and lifestyle and your DD will need to get used to the fact that she will meet people who are far more extreme than this in eating patterns. Soon she may have friends with eating disorders, for instance. And sorry, I don't think you have any grounds to comment on how much money the boy gets - accepting this kind of thing is also a fact of life and growing up.
Surely the papers haven't run out of Boris jokes just yet?
So, the spoilt fat boy is feeding your DD food?
I doubt it. She is most probably putting the food in her own mouth.
You could address the issue with your DD and tell her that it isn't the best idea to go and buy sweets etc every other night. Talk to the boy's mother and tell her that he seems to be wasting a lot of money at the shop.
Funnily enough, at that age, my seriously skinny friend did the same with me. She would buy a ton of chocolate/ sweets and we'd go into the park and eat her haul.
Maybe my Mum should have ripped into her Mum because my friend made me fat?
Oh no, I forgot, what I stuffed into my mouth was my responsibility.
They'll soon be finished at primary school and off to secondary where she'll make new friends and spend her after school time doing homework/clubs etc.
I would limit the time she spends with him TBH. Don't cut her off from him entirely, but make sure she has different things to do some of the times when he calls around (sports clubs etc).
Sounds as if you don't like your 'friend' much, or her son...
As annoying as the situation is, I think you need to have chat with your dd and explain further that just because a friend does something they do not have to follow that behaviour. This is true throughout life and it builds self confidence to realise they do not have to follow others behaviour.
I think you need to concentrate on teaching your dd good eating habits. There will always be other children at the park etc with money/sweets. I would tell her that having 1 or 2 sweets is ok if a friend offers but too many isn't healthy/good for teeth. As for pocket money maybe you could give her the chance to do some chores if she wants a bit extra? Entirely up to you though as £5 is plenty imo. I think ywbu to discourage the friendship. It sounds like they are very close.
Oh there's always one. Just because you are concerned or even have a thought about someone else, it clearly means you don't like them . I fucking hate that reply on MN. It never actually adds anything to the discussion. And what is wrong with OPs DD going over to the park? On what planet is that now not ok? And he isn't an unofficial babysitter ffs, he is a friend of the same age and they are hanging out together. As for knitting, I assume that's a joke!
I wouldn't like this either OP. And it should concern you because he is getting your DD to ask for more money and she is actively eating more crap than normal. How to tackle it is tough though. I honestly don't think addressing this with them mum will go down well at all. She has already said she likes he giving her child loads of money, so she won't stop. The only thing you could say is, when she complain about him not eating his meals, could you maybe make her aware that the reason is because he spends all the money she gives him at the Asda so he is filling up before tea? I have no doubt she knows but you can bring it up pretending you think she doesn't know about it. Sorry but she sounds like a pretty crappy parent. Who let's their child get in that condition and actively give them the means to do it but moans about it and does nothing.
I'd try and limit their time together. Get your DD doing something after school or at weekends so she isn't so available to go out to the park. Could you have him over rather than them going out so they aren't going to Asda and buying more crap? Definitely really push the whole peer pressure thing and that she needs to learn to say no, I don't do that, or we do things differently (no snacking between meals maybe? My DCs (they are younger though) have something small after school but that's it until tea time or they would never eat their meals either).
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