To wonder what you would all do if you realised a friend was backstabbing you at every opportunity?(9 Posts)
I've recently come to the conclusion/realisation that a friend of several years is not a friend after all and is backstabbing me at every opportunity. By backstabbing me I mean bitching about me behind my back to mutual friends and trying to turn others against me, whilst still being nice and friendly to my face!
Over the years that I have known her several mutual friends (whom I have introduced her too) have all gone cold towards me. Another mutual friend has told me recently that my 'friend' bitches about me a lot, focuses on my flaws and points them out to others all the time and tries to encourage others not to speak to me.
Unfortunately I have to see said friend every day on the school run as our DS's are friends at school (which is how I met her originally) and are in the same class. It is a small village school so there is no avoiding her at all!
I don't particularly want to confront her as I don't think that people that behave in the way she behaves take any notice of being confronted and just use it to their advantage ie to make out that the person confronting them is a total loon.
How would you deal with her?
That's a 'kill with niceness' scenario.. smile and chat as usual. Let everyone see you being nice, then lean in and whisper "I know you are a 2 faced bitch... so does everyone else" and walk off with a cheery wave.
OK, the whispering thing is OTT, but you can't change her and most people will see through her.
Stop being her friend and tell her why.
I just ghosted her. When she realised that I was no longer available to her she kicked off but looked so crazy in doing so that she isolated herself from all friends in common as well.
What makes the mutual friend more trustworthy than her?
Is there a chance she's shit stirring?
Tbh I'd be getting them both together, to talk it out.
Contact Endemol to do a "Real Housewives of Our Village"...
But seriously as you can't just avoid her I would adopt a blended strategy of small doses, moral high ground, Chinese walls and "keep your friends close but your enemies closer".
So maintain a good front with her, continue to involve her in your life, both on your own and in the company of others. Gradually, over time minimise the alone time and gravitate towards only seeing her when others are around.
Take a trusted friend for moral support to us much as you can. And gave clear exit strategies when you meet- something to go to, get your mum or partner to call after a while with an important errand, that kind of thing.
Tell her nothing personal or private. Keep chatter to idle chitchat and celebrity gossip.
Most importantly, don't say anything bad about her. Most mature adults will draw their conclusions about someone who is always talking about someone else behind their backs. You might find in time you get some knowing looks and others confiding in you with a discreet "yeah I got burned too"
I would just blank her completely if you think she's not capable of an adult confrontation about it and wouldnt acknowledge your hurt.
No nasty words, no rudeness, just completely ignore and cut her off. if she does push you as to why you are behaving that way just tell her you clearly aren't friends by the way she speaks about you to others.
I'd tell her some thing that if she repeats will make her sound ridiculous
Someone did this to me at work once. I read the emails she had been sending trying to ruin my career whilst pretending to be my friend, so there was no doubt in what she was trying to do
She came up to me in work one day pretending to be concerned about me because apparently I had gone quiet. I was actually quietly seething at her hypocrisy. She said is everything okay? I very calmly said 'no actually, I know exactly what you have been doing and I'm considering a formal complaint against you'. She went as white as a sheet. She tried to turn it around and say that I'd been bad mouthing her - completely untrue so I shut her down with ' I'm not going down that route with you. I want it to stop now. We need to be professional'. She then had the temerity to ask if we could still be friends! I said no, we are colleagues and need to act professionally. She ran off crying and locked herself in another office all afternoon.
I didn't shout or raise my voice. I was calm and very measured. I think nobody had ever confronted her in such a direct manner before and it was a shock to her.
Didn't really help in the long run though. She just became more spiteful and vindictive. I guess she didn't like the fact I had the measure of her and wasn't fooled.
I suppose whilst I'm glad I confronted her it didn't actually do any good because she didn't have the self awareness to realise she could ever be in the wrong. You can't argue with crazy
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