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Aibu to or let DD out to play?

(37 Posts)
SecretlycrushingonTomHanks Thu 14-Jul-16 16:15:48

DD1 is 5 and started primary school last summer, she is a Feb birthday and so is youngest in her class, 2 years younger than the oldest child. We live in a small village but have 2 schools which share a campus one Catholic and one non denominational. DD goes to the catholic school which is tiny the other school is huge. Anyway, not much relevance there but these facts are needed.
Ever since DD started school a group of older girls (about 8 years old, some younger ones) have been coming to the door and asking her out to play. They seem nice enough and are from our street and the neighbouring street but we don't know them/their parents at all and aren't at DD's school. These children are allowed to go wherever and do whatever they like and their parents never know where they are. A good example of this is I allowed one to come in and play one Friday afternoon at about 4 and eventually we had to ask her to leave about 8 as we were going to get DD's ready for bed. I'd be worried sick if my child had been away for all that time and I didn't have a clue where they were! Since then that girl has came back with her little brother (about 3/4 years old) and in groups of other girls around her age. I haven't let them back into my house though as I don't want to have them in here all the time especially when I don't know them! We live in a cauldisac and can't see the street from our house so I'm reluctant to let DD out to play as I wouldn't know where she was or who she was with on top of the fact she doesn't have any road sense really, it's a busy cauldisac with lots of turning vehicles, and I think she's a bit young to be playing out unsupervised. They only way I could watch her would be to stand out in the car park like a loony. They come to the house at least twice a week and at first I made excuses like we're going out or having dinner etc so DD couldn't come out but now I just don't answer the door. They knock for ages and one has even tried the door one evening! One came to the door for DD at 9pm last Friday night, DH answered the door to her and said it was very late and she should maybe go home. I was just like shock at a child still being out at that time and coming to basically a strangers door! We come from an area where there are a lot of what you'd probably call deprived families mostly with parents not working, taking drugs, drinking etc so I know a lot of these children don't have great home lives which is another reason I don't want DD out with them, she doesn't need exposed to that and I fear for her safety. So AIBU to not let DD out to play with these kids? Am I being snobby? DD gets so upset as she really wants out to play but I just feel it's so unsafe and DH doesn't trust the kids. He thinks they're going to take DD away and do something to her. I feel rotten though as I could be stopping DD making friends and possibly opening the door to her being bullied when she's older by them for being stuck up. Having children is so hard sometimes sad.

Maybebabybee Thu 14-Jul-16 16:17:36

yanbu to not let your 5 year old play out alone but this:

DH doesn't trust the kids. He thinks they're going to take DD away and do something to her.

is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. hmm

Buggers Thu 14-Jul-16 16:20:27

hmm your husband sounds like a knob. Is his dd too good to play with the 'rough' kidsconfused?

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Thu 14-Jul-16 16:20:40

Agree Maybe! How absurd! 😂

SecretlycrushingonTomHanks Thu 14-Jul-16 16:20:53

Do you think so Maybebabybee? He's thinking beat her up or possibly something more sinister. I kind of get where he's coming from. We don't know them and some parts of our village are pretty rough.

SecretlycrushingonTomHanks Thu 14-Jul-16 16:24:54

It's not that she's too good at all and we're both from rough areas ourselves though not rough families so no airs and graces it's just we don't know them and it was such a sudden thing. They just started coming to the door for her one day. She doesn't even know their names so they haven't had any contact in school. If there was just 1 or 2 I'd invite them in to play but there's usually at least 4 of them so too many. We only have a small back garden so they couldn't play outside even. DH certainly isn't a knob, just wary because of the situation.

Chikara Thu 14-Jul-16 16:28:45

YANBU to keep your five year old in sight. My kids are v independent and always played out but at that age I was always there, maybe chatting or reading on grass/bench - but always had DC in sight.

YABU to think that poor kids are dangerous - that is just silly. As for "something more sinister" that view is sad. He may have experience that led to this fear but it would be a shame to pass it on.

Let DD out to play with kids if she wants to but in the cul-de-sac in view.

VinoTime Thu 14-Jul-16 16:32:31

Could you not buy her a scooter/bike/pair of skates and sit out with her while she plays, OP? This is what I used to do with DD when I felt she was old enough to play out but still needed supervision. I used to plonk myself down on the curb with a book and a glass of wine on a hot day and look up every now and then to cheer her on as she whizzed by grin

She used to love it. The kids all got a chance to play with each other but DD had the assurance that I was still there should she need me. She was allowed to go up and down out little street but couldn't go out of eyesight. Then as she started getting a little older/sure of herself, she could go a bit further. I also bought her a watch which helped a great deal with learning to tell time. I would say she could ride around the other streets but be back in 10 minutes, and she would be. It was good for building trust and confidence, and great for laying out the boundaries of outdoor play.

Maybebabybee Thu 14-Jul-16 16:38:48

Your DH could do with a reality check. Is he always that paranoid??

SecretlycrushingonTomHanks Thu 14-Jul-16 16:39:49

It's hard to explain but I'd have to sit in the carpark to watch her as that's literally the only place i could see her. The way my house is built and positioned I wouldn't even be able to watch her play right outside the front door. If I could see her I'd let her out to play it wouldn't be a problem. I also have a 10 month old DD so can't take her out to sit in a car park with me whilst DD1 plays she wouldn't be happy. She's very mobile and doesn't sit still so I'd be frantically trying to keep her entertained the whole time. His worries are nothing to do with the kids being "poor" more just that it was very sudden that started coming to the door for DD and she doesn't know them.

SecretlycrushingonTomHanks Thu 14-Jul-16 16:43:34

Does everybody think it's absolutely fine that I had one of the girls at the door at 9pm last week to see if DD was coming out to play? And also that these 8 year olds are wandering far, going to strangers houses and parents don't have a clue where they are or what they're doing? This is what they'd expect of DD as well. They wouldn't stay in the street.

Maybebabybee Thu 14-Jul-16 16:45:42

So this is a thread in which you want us to slag off the other parents?

dididotherightthinglastnight Thu 14-Jul-16 16:49:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dustarr73 Thu 14-Jul-16 16:49:37

I have an 8,6 and 5 year old.They play out but the 6 and 5 year old wouldnt be allowed to go where the 8 year old goes.So in that case i wouldnt let a 5 year old play with older kids.Unless you instruct your dc not to go off the road.

willconcern Thu 14-Jul-16 16:54:13

I think you're getting a hard time. In the circumstances you describe I wouldn't let my 5 year old out. Why are 8/9 year olds wanting to play with a 5 year old they don't know anyway? I find that a bit odd. I have 2 DSs & the only children who knock for them to play are children they know, either from school or from being neighbours. DS2 is 9 & he's only been allowed to go to the park with his friends in the last few months. 5 is far too young.

So yanbu.

FWIW I understand your concerns about your DD being exposed to drug problems etc. To be worried about that isn't being a snob, it's being concerned for your child's welfare.

willconcern Thu 14-Jul-16 16:55:16

And I would also be surprised if a child knocked on my door at 9pm.

SecretlycrushingonTomHanks Thu 14-Jul-16 17:04:03

Not slag off the other parents but everyone on here seems to be glossing over what I've said about the situation. Having a child here that knows DD, whose parents know they're here and the parents know us wouldn't be a problem it's the holidays and I'd allow that but really a child coming to a strangers door at 9pm? Thank you will concern was really starting to think I was going mad. And dustarr73 thanks, I wouldn't be able to garuntee she'd stay off the road, it wouldn't really be possible in our street anyway.

SecretlycrushingonTomHanks Thu 14-Jul-16 17:17:46

Also I should confirm when I said in my OP I fear for DD's safety I dint mean girl these children. I mean if she was to go out with them and possibly into one of their houses I don't know what or who she may be exposed to there. Like I said a lot of these children don't have great home lives and k don't know what kind of people may be in their homes or what she might see that she doesn't need to be seeing.

Gottagetmoving Thu 14-Jul-16 18:04:15

You don't want your DD to play out with these children, so dont let her.
You dont know them, they dont know her andthey are older than your DD.
YANBU under the circumstances you describe. Arrange play dates with children her own age.
I let my DD play out when she was 5 with two girls who were older. We lived in a 3rd floor Flat with a secure playing area outside. I watched from the window and saw them hitting her. I had to run downstairs to stop them.. At 5 she wasn't able to stand up for herself against two older girls.
It was horrible that her first experience of playing out ended like that.

dodobookends Thu 14-Jul-16 18:14:16

Crikey, what kind of a village do you live in - is it called 'Midsomer' something?

Since most of these kids seem to live in the same street as you, perhaps you could pop round and meet the parents of these children, say hello, and get to know them a bit.

Onedayinthesun Thu 14-Jul-16 18:24:05

OP if you and your DH have reservations then trust your instinct, your DD is only 5 yrs old!! - no I wouldn't let her go out with kids I didn't know, into houses I didn't know the adults or think it was ok for 8 year olds to knock the door at 9pm.

NickiFury Thu 14-Jul-16 18:32:56

I wouldn't let my 5 year old, no chance.

And I wouldn't take any notice of those who are ridiculing and dismissing your concerns with such glee on here either. MN often exhibit of this kind of competitive "let kids roam free far and wide" sentimental attitude that I just don't see in RL. I was pretty much left to it as a child from a that age onwards and some rather unpleasant stuff happened to me and we did some dangerous stuff that I shudder to think of my own kids doing.

It's highly unlikely those children would hurt yours but I just wouldn't feel comfortable handing my much younger child over to them and it's completely fine to feel that way, it really is.

Choceeclair123 Thu 14-Jul-16 19:31:00

Personally I wouldn't I think she's too young. You're her mum, do what you feel is right, trust your instincts.

Natsku Thu 14-Jul-16 19:39:45

Its not unreasonable to not let her out to play when you can't see her and you don't feel comfortable with her being out unsupervised. I let my DD (also 5) play out where I can't see but I'm comfortable with the area I live, I know all the children and I know most of the parents (well know them to say hi to and know they'll send her home if there's a problem).

Your DH on the other hand is being a bit unreasonable - what an odd assumption to make. I have children knocking on my door and at all times of the day and until around 8 in the evening, and wouldn't think they would want to do something bad to DD, they just want to play! And DD would be knocking on the neighbours' doors at 9pm or later if I let her.

Magstermay Thu 14-Jul-16 19:43:05

YANBU, I would find it strange older children who don't know your DD suddenly calling for her.

i don't think you are BU as to what their 'intentions' are - our next door neighbours girls were older than me when I was growing up and I remember them 'inviting' me round where they would make me hold their dogs lead while they threw a ball for it and inevitably I went flying and it dragged me along the ground. They and their friends thought it was highly amusing but I was too young to stand up for myself and genuinely thought they wanted to be friends. FWIW this wasn't a rough area!

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