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To Defend the Wend(y)

(22 Posts)
CaptainCrunch Thu 14-Jul-16 12:24:42

Slightly inspired by the "have you ever recognised yourself on AIBU" thread.

A few years ago a friend of mine introduced me to some of her circle, just as I had done with her. We hit it off and they started to text message me independently of her, along the lines of "hey, we're in X pub, do you fancy joining us" and the friendship blossomed.

Original friend was NOT HAPPY. Despite the fact she was in the habit of meeting friends I had introduced her to indpendently of me, somehow I wasn't "allowed" to do this.

She became more and more difficult and emotionally unstable about the whole thing. Her existing friends were horrified at the nonsense she was spouting about me, she even tried to scupper things with my original friends. Thankfully everyone saw through her.

She's now kind of ostracised herself from both groups because of her silly carry on, trying to control and script the friendships. I can imagine if she'd have come on here and told "her side" I would have been branded a "Wendy" and various other nasty epithets.

I just think sometimes we should think about what happens in "real life" and consider some of these Wendy AIBUs might not be telling the whole story.

MyKingdomForBrie Thu 14-Jul-16 12:30:36

Ok. Your point is? Every single story on MN I'm sure has two sides. It's not like each OP should be given advice based on an assumption that they are lying, but I'm sure most people assume that there may be another version. Doesn't change the fact that you just comment on what you hear and advise based on the story presented.

Birdsgottafly Thu 14-Jul-16 12:37:23

""just think sometimes we should think about what happens in "real life" and consider some of these Wendy AIBUs might not be telling the whole story.""

Most OPs are told to leave them to it and move on.

The alternative is questioning and attacking the OP, which isn't what a support forum is all about.

There are always two sides, but this is a useful place to vent and the OP should be listened to, at least.

I worry more about the "cut your MIL out" and the "go NC", over normal family stuff.

Fanfeck Thu 14-Jul-16 12:38:10

Oh I totally agree OP!

gobbynorthernbird Thu 14-Jul-16 12:56:53

I've been absolutely flamed for saying this before, but if all your friends withdraw from you, you may want to have a look at your own behaviour. 'Wendy' cannot make people suddenly dislike you.

CaptainCrunch Thu 14-Jul-16 13:15:22

gobby. This is the point I've been ham fistedly trying to make. There have been a lot of Wendy threads on here and immediately there are 30 or 40 posts saying "You've been Wendied OP!!!" followed by "She's a cunt/bitch" etc. for "stealing your friends". It's really quite horrifying.

I always sat there thinking if your friends were decent, they wouldn't just dump you because someone new was introduced into the mix and that you can't dictate terms in a friendship group, i.e. "I'm allowed to go out with X and Y but YOU can't unless you ask me first" which is basically what I was put through.

Flamingflume Thu 14-Jul-16 13:41:21

It depends on the circumstances. If someone introduced me to their friends and then I was asked to go out with that entire circle and intro friend was not invited I would be asking why? Not just accepting it. That sounds a bit Wendyish to me. However, if there is a logical reason why they might invite you and not her then it would be easy to explain that to upset friend wouldn't it?

CaptainCrunch Thu 14-Jul-16 13:47:22

I see your point Flaming and that wouldn't be decent behaviour on anyone's part. In this case it was simply ad hoc stuff or just being asked without original friend's "permission". She wanted to dictate terms and couldn't cope with not being consulted on everything.

imwithspud Thu 14-Jul-16 13:52:56

I get where you're coming from. Years and years ago when I was in my late teens, a friend introduced me to another friend and over time me and her other friend became friends too. We'd generally all meet up and do stuff together but she'd also do things with the friend without me, it was never an issue but one time we met up alone. Friend rung whilst we were in town and asked what I was up to, I said I was with x in town and if she wasn't busy she could come and meet us but then she got all funny and refused to meet us. We never actually fell out properly but she felt a bit put out and I couldn't and still can't really work out why?

But yeah there's probably nearly always two sides to a story but you can only really give advice/support based on what's written in front of you.

gobbynorthernbird Thu 14-Jul-16 15:24:25

Flaming, there probably is a logical reason. Excluded friend probably wouldn't want to hear it, though. Or has been told and not adjusted their behaviour.
*not saying anyone has to change, but if you've been told a million times that people are tired of holding your hair back when you're shitfaced by 8pm/listening to you wang on about how you're perfect and everyone else is a shit parent/hearing your 'I'm only being honest' crap when you've just told Janice that she's a fat cow then don't be surprised that people don't want to be your mate.

FlyingElbows Thu 14-Jul-16 15:33:06

Ofcourse there are two sides to every story but don't discount how manipulative some people can be. You wouldn't bat an eye at a poster who told you her dp wanted to socially isolate and control her so why not believe it's possible for a friend to behave the same way?

MLGs Thu 14-Jul-16 15:38:47

Judge each case on its merits maybe?


DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Thu 14-Jul-16 15:45:58

I find all the Wendy / stealing friends posts on MN utterly baffling. If you're introduced to people through friends are you seriously not supposed to become friends in case it's seen as 'stealing?'confused

CaptainCrunch Thu 14-Jul-16 16:06:40

Yes Dame, I feel this way too. There have been so many Wendy threads over the years and this view seems to be very much in the minority.

Surely if your alleged friends are prepared to drop you like a stone for a shiny new pal they weren't friends in the first place or you're possibly not playing with a full deck in your efforts to retain copyright on the friendship.

myownprivateidaho Thu 14-Jul-16 16:16:12

Oh god yes! I've never understood the vitriol on this site for someone who strikes up an independent friendship with someone they meet through a friend. Totally, totally batshit bizarro.

coffeetasteslikeshit Thu 14-Jul-16 16:41:16

I agree with you too OP, after having wasted years of my life with a 'B'F who would basically sulk if I did anything with any other friend without asking her too.

Witchend Thu 14-Jul-16 16:49:54

Yes, there are two sides to every story... Which includes the Op's one.

I've never experienced a Wendy however I've seen a situation which isn't dissimilar.
My dc did an activity run by lady A. I got semi-friendly with lady A, as did a few of the other mums. Not go round to house type friendly, but chat and perhaps have a coffee after class.

About 4 years ago lady B's dc arrived at the class. They are, of course genii at this despite all other evidence. When exam results came out, they were bottom. Lady B suddenly started major friendship with lady A. Lady A was irritated at first, but gradually became involved to the point she was giving private lessons for free. About 2 years ago Lady A turned against pretty much all the group of us and started treated the children really badly in class too. Now all our children have stopped doing the classes and Lady A if she meets us can hardly bring herself to say hello. We haven't changed. It's entirely her.
I'm sure that Lady B has carefully gone out of her way to make sure she has the entire attention of Lady A as it's all the ones she was friendly with before.

I withdrew fairly early in the situation because I could see it coming.
I feel sorry for Lady A as her classes are now failing, due to her having to put Lady B's dc at the centre more and more to satisfy Lady B. She's also lost a whole group of people who were very supportive of her.

It's not a Wendy situation, but it is similar and I can see how if Lady B had wanted a group around her rather than being the only one, it could have been different.

CoraPirbright Thu 14-Jul-16 17:34:52

confused But I always thought that the point of the Wendy was that this person actively went out of their way to get the original friend ostracised? If you meet people through friend A and get on like a house on fire with them then that doesnt make you a Wendy. If, however, you spread shit and actively exclude the original friend, then you are a Wendy.

m0therofdragons Thu 14-Jul-16 17:42:53

I was introduced by df to her df. Now df1 is lovely and we are good friends but the df she introduced me to has loads in common with me - similar upbringing and tastes in music, theatre etc.problem is I always feel guilty seeing df2 without inviting df1. Df2 and I got talking and both want to start running as we are both doing different charity runs soon. Df1 doesn't run so df2 and I are going to be running partners. Df1 us upset. It is hard work not to seem like a Wendy in this situation.

CaptainCrunch Thu 14-Jul-16 17:48:18

My point is this person was making shit up about me so her friends wouldn't want to spend time with me, then she pulled the "you've stolen my pals" card but the reality was she was a controlling loon who wanted to pull everyone's strings and dictate to me who I could spend time with.

WannaBe Thu 14-Jul-16 18:17:48

Wendying is a myth. if all your friends have suddenly started to avoid you then it's time to look closer to home.

And the thing is that while it's perfectly possible to say to an OP in that situation "sorry you feel upset, try and form some new friendships," people go all out to tell the OP (who they know absolutely nothing about,) that "those women are all bitches and you are a lovely lovely person."

I have an (ex) friend who would tell anyone and everyone that she is a victim who has been wendied multiple times. The truth is that she is so demanding, so bitchy, and so difficult that invariably her friends put up with her for as long as they can and eventually just snap and cut all contact with her. And friends of her's become friends with other friends of her's and it then transpires that they have all had similar experiences of her unpleasantness, hence why the friends end up becoming friends and she ends up on the outside through her own doing.

And yes, I agree too on the advice to go no contact with family for stuff that is essentially just normal. MIL buys toys for her own house? "Go NC and never let her have your baby unsupervised again." Brother didn't come to the wedding? "Go NC. They obviously don't give a shit about you." Seriously. There is IMO very little that is sooo bad that it should result in people cutting contact with family for ever. I'm not talking about actual abuse here but stuff like overbearing family who are a pita but who are family none the less. I wonder how these people end up feeling when the mother/sister/brother they have cut off dies.

CaptainCrunch Thu 14-Jul-16 18:44:47

You've summed up my feelings on it perfectly wannabe. I don't think Wendy exists either.

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