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..husband paid $5 to the neighbor's son so he would invite our son to his party, I'm not sure if I'm mad or not..

(19 Posts)
user1468453365 Thu 14-Jul-16 01:02:29

I feel like I'm in a really tough situation. Our son is 8.. Never in his life has been invited to a birthday party, he has Asperger's so does find it quite tough to fit in and then doesn't understand when people don't want to play with him, then there's lots of upset and it breaks me.

We have given up with the children at school, it isn't their fault at all, our son just doesn't seem to get on with them, so that's fine. He is happy in his own little bubble at school and we don't tend to have much upset from school, as when he gets anxiety (which he can do when he is there) he likes to just be alone anyway. It's when he is having 'good' days and wants to just talk the whole time, which is awesome to us but a bit too difficult for strangers, which is understandable, that it upsets him as he is happily going on about something but never allowing them to get their part of the friendship if that makes sense.

When he's happy, I leave him how he is as it doesn't bother me. I listen to him repeat all his knowledge 1000 times and it still makes me smile. My husband does find it more challenging. He can get frustrated and does wish that he maybe had a son who shared some common interests with him (football games/basketball games) as I feel like his relationship with him is going down hill a bit. So we try and do things where my husband feels like he is spending quality time with him, like camping and we all love that.

He is quite pushy about the idea of him joining scouts and as we are in phoenix its quite a big thing that the children here do. He just doesn't want to and I get why as he wouldn't cope with the socialization of being away, so I do tell him to knock it off with the pushing of it all. However, he does frequently say that it upsets him at how lonely he is, which I do see from his side of things.

We aren't that close to the neighbors really but I think that's because we like to stay away from it all because our son does so it wouldn't be fair to drag him out when he doesn't want to or when he does, I feel like I'm just knocking his confidence as the neighborhood children don't quite 'get' him.

We received an invite through the door addressed to our son to go to the boy next door's party which was a bbq and pool party. I was shocked and happy really, our son was happy very actually and 'couldn't wait to tell him all about his new collection'... I thought the kids had shared the same interest or something at some point when we have sat on the green (a little bit of land in front of all our homes).

He attended the party and he was so happy the child included him they seemed to have had a really great time, I thought it was a friendship that had grown and was pleased for my son. Until my husband could no longer keep it from me and tells me. I was angry and disappointed that he hadn't said anything... I'm really cross and don't know what to do really. But then I'm happy at how much fun my son got out of it but then just feel like he is giving my son false hope in a way...

I don't know what to think to be honest, sigh...

alphabook Thu 14-Jul-16 01:29:16

Sorry but I think that's awful. I really hope your son never finds out.

I'm an introvert with social anxiety and didn't have many friends at school. I was happier on my own, but my parents kept trying to push me into socialising with people I didn't like. It hurt me more that they seemed ashamed of me and couldn't just accept me for who I was. I would have been devastated if they'd done something like this.

sophie1985 Thu 14-Jul-16 01:51:44

I think it may pave the way for many more positive social events in the future. It may not be all bad. Albeit with a slightly corrupt start confused

trafalgargal Thu 14-Jul-16 01:53:52

To be fair it did give your son a good experience and a confidence boost so the means might justify the end.
It is heartbreaking how difficult it is for AS kids socially for us parents. We want to help them enjoy a more social world and I completely understand what drove your husband to do it even though I understand your dismay too.

However it is done now so no point on dwelling on it ....or mentioning it again and who knows maybe he did sow some seeds of friendship that will grow.

Alasalas2 Thu 14-Jul-16 01:55:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rainbowqueeen Thu 14-Jul-16 02:22:21

I think all you can do now is look at the positives and ensure your son never finds out.

If he did have a good time, maybe invite next door neighbour back?? (You could extend an invite without your son knowing if you are worried it might not be well received)

VioletBam Thu 14-Jul-16 02:26:14

It's done now. If your son ever finds out DENY it. It would be a white lie. If that happened, it would be awful but in your position I would say "Noooo as if we'd do that!! He's just making things up to hurt your feelings"

But he won't find out in all likelyhood....the boy will forget. AND at least your son had the fun experience.

MollyTwo Thu 14-Jul-16 02:55:14

I do understand why your DH has done this. It wasn't right but completely understandable what drove him to pay this child. It turned out to be such a positive experience and hopefully introduce your ds to more friendship opportunities. I don't think your DH did this with anything other than good intentions.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Thu 14-Jul-16 03:38:31

On a side note, Scouts in the UK are very keen on being inclusive and my own DS has had an extremely positive experience at both Cubs and scouts. It is actually worth checking out.

yabvu Thu 14-Jul-16 07:29:57

The ends justify the means.

Glad your biy enjoyed himself.

ll87 Thu 14-Jul-16 07:44:15

do you try to guide your son with social queues? I am just curious? e.g when he says I can't wait to tell the other boy all about my collections, do you tell
him that his birthday party isn't the best time and it may be best time, it is important to talk and listen to lots of people at the party?

Cabrinha Thu 14-Jul-16 07:59:37

I see why he did it, and my upset that he "had" to might be displaced as anger towards him. And I'd be cross he hadn't told me.

I think there is a possibility the party boy could mention it in future. Tricky to deny is totally. I might lie "no, he didn't bribe him - dad asked if he was inviting you, because when you go to a BBQ style party it's normal to bring some food or drink, so he wanted to give a bit of money towards that, rather than guess what to bring and end up with all burgers no coke"

JeanGenie23 Thu 14-Jul-16 08:04:36

I can understand your anger. But If your son enjoyed himself surely it was worth it, especially if it is the beginning of a friendship?

acasualobserver Thu 14-Jul-16 08:11:12

The only weak link in this plan is its reliance on the discretion of the boy next door. As long as he doesn't blab, I reckon your husband did a good thing.

junebirthdaygirl Thu 14-Jul-16 08:17:53

Could you talk to the mom next door and get her on your side? Then maybe they could do something together even if it's playing minecraft or another game which in my experience asd children usually enjoy.
When my ds was in primary a boy in his class had aspergers. He never got invited to parties. But being a teacher there is no way l would stand over leaving him out. He always came here for parties and then later to play. As a family we all loved him. Sometimes if ds was going to a new movie we would call him as he loved movies. It seems very sad that himself and boy next door can't find one thing to do together. I completely understand why your dh did it as we would all do anything for our kids.
And agree about the social stories to know exactly how long he can spend talking about his hobbies. Is he doing these in school as well.

P1nkP0ppy Thu 14-Jul-16 08:29:00

Thank heavens it went well?
Does your dh think friendship can be bought? It does seem a very strange thing to do and could have backfired spectacularly.
Hopefully this will be the beginning of your DS developing more friends and becoming more confident.

P1nkP0ppy Thu 14-Jul-16 08:30:09

*! not ?

Aeroflotgirl Thu 14-Jul-16 08:59:35

I think your husband did a bad thing, the party he was invited to because your dh paid, not because they wanted him there, and that is what I would be upset about.

Your dh is right, he does need to get out more, as it will be the community he will live in when he is an adult and trying to gain independence, the earlier you do this the better. DD is 9 and has ASD, learning difficulties and dev delay, I have been getting her out since she was 5, first Rainbows (junior brownies), then dance. She would rather stay at home and like your ds, be in her own bubble, but that is not going to help her in the long run.

Because i don't drive and had a demanding baby, I paid for a carer to support her out of dd disability allowance. To tell you, the difference it has made to her is fantastic. She is more sociable, adapts to situations more easily and does not get frightened of meeting other children. DD now goes to Brownies without support, I could no longer afford it, but she has support for tap and ballet, as it is far away. She is fine there, and is so comfortable with other children, she mixes easily and no issues. When she is older, I will look for Scouts for her to join, as well as other youth groups in addition to dancing.

Go for it, I think Scouts will be a fantastic idea.

Aeroflotgirl Thu 14-Jul-16 09:00:49

Mabey arrange a playdate with this boy, as he enjoyed the party.

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