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That ending it is not as simple as people say!

(16 Posts)
Girlwiththedragontattoo Wed 13-Jul-16 17:45:50

On here every day I see people being advised to just leave their dh/dp like its a really simple thing to do! When the way I see it its not as simple as that is it? (Maybe for the man)

Like take myself for example if I was to end things with dp I would probably have to give up my job as I work over night so would have no one to look after the children, which in turn would mean I couldn't afford bills, or anything else for that matter and would probably end up more unhappy then I already am. What I'm trying to say is after many years of being with someone it's not as simple as just end it is it? Your lives are so intertwined.

OhNoNotMyBaby Wed 13-Jul-16 17:49:04

It's not simple at all and anyone who has been through the process will tell it's actually the most awful, horrible, difficult thing to do. But when you get to the point where you know you simply can't carry on any longer you have to take a step. One step leads to another and then another and you find you can cope and that there are solutions.

callherwillow Wed 13-Jul-16 17:50:02

Of course you are right, and sometimes LTB is not the right thing to do.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Wed 13-Jul-16 17:53:56

Sadly this is the often reason so many abused women stay with abusive partners - that and their respective children. The shock waves reverberate for years - I divorced my exH about 3 years ago and we are still unravelling some of the financial agreement parts of the divorce even now.

ConfuciousSayWhat Wed 13-Jul-16 17:55:24

It's not that easy. My dh is my carer as well as us both working. I would not be able to work and run a home on my own to put it simply

HermioneJeanGranger Wed 13-Jul-16 17:56:37

No it's not easy, but sometimes it's the right think to do, no matter how difficult it is.

callherwillow Wed 13-Jul-16 18:19:38

It's not always possible and I think that's one of the mistakes made on here, that it always is.

VinoTime Wed 13-Jul-16 18:36:20

I think it depends on how you look at things.

To my way of thinking - the choice is simple. You stay or you go. Make that choice. If you are in a relationship and it is making you miserable, then why choose to spend your life that way? You only get one. Try and do what will make you happy.

It's the aftermath that can be very difficult for some - the what comes next. Like you say, lives can become very intertwined and separating can come with an array of challenges. But most people experience life on their own before a partner. Most people learn to support themselves before marrying/cohabiting with someone. The difficulties and financial troubles that life throws your way will always be there, whether in a relationship or single.

I think the scary part for so many is wanting to split up when there are children in the picture, having never raised a child alone. People (especially women) often change careers to fit around their families needs. Some people stop working altogether. IME, it's these people who panic the most about a separation. There's job uncertainty, financial worries, fear of lifestyle change, fear of being lonely, splitting a 'family unit' up, things can sometimes become quite nasty, etc. That's the hard part. But if you are determined to leave, if you believe your choice to leave is the best thing for you, then you do what you need to do. You take it one day at a time and you adjust.

I made a choice many years ago. I decided that staying with DD's dad was not the right thing for me to do. I didn't want to play happy families with that man. That was the easy bit. That choice was simple. The hard part was what followed - being a single parent, having a lot less money, learning to live life by myself and make all the decisions on my own. Yes, it was hard. Yes, at times it's felt like a series of monumental fuck ups and shit storms. But would I change it? Hell no. Because staying wouldn't have been simple, either. Staying would have made me incredibly unhappy. Staying would have felt like giving up and resigning myself to a crappy fate together because I was too scared to take a leap alone. Staying would have equaled regret. And there's no such thing as a simple regret - those wee bastards will follow you about your whole life.

It boils down to: Which not-very-simple option are you prepared to take?

callherwillow Wed 13-Jul-16 18:41:52


Your choice = your fault, if you don't leave, usually within the week if not that very same night.

crabapplepie Wed 13-Jul-16 18:45:42

When I left my exH I had to go into a refuge, then a hostel and finally a council flat on a rough estate. I had to give up my job and claim benefits. I couldn't afford bills for a while and had to use charities and food banks as it took time for benefits to get sorted. My dc had to miss out on a lot. It wasn't simple or easy. That was four years ago now and I still have not been able to return to work (and I had a well paid professional job before). Some people would say it was the wrong thing to leave him, I would still be in work, and my dc wouldn't have had to move to an inadequate school in a dodgy area. But for me, it was the right thing to do, because the dignity of being free from an intolerable relationship was more important to me personally than anything else.

callherwillow Wed 13-Jul-16 18:46:58

And therefore you feel that those in an intolerable relationship who choose to stay for a myriad of reasons (but possibly don't wish to put their children through what you describe above) lack dignity?

Arfarfanarf Wed 13-Jul-16 18:50:10

Only an idiot thinks its easy.
That doesnt mean it's not objectively the right thing.

It might be easier to stay in a bad situation but is it the right thing to do? Is it bad advice to suggest to someone who is deeply unhappy that they get out of the situation that is making them unhappy?

Just because something is hard does not mean it shouldnt be done.
. We arent talking stand up and walk out of the house cape billowing and singing sisters are doing it for themselves but planning and preparing and saying no i will not accept this as my life is no bad thing. And part of that can be other people gently saying you know what? You can have a better life. This doesnt have to be it.

TheSockGoblin Wed 13-Jul-16 18:50:45

It's not simple no. But I think the fear of the change is often far worse than the process of changing when it comes down to it.

callherwillow Wed 13-Jul-16 18:51:37

Not at all, Arf.

But sometimes someone night conclude that staying is the best thing on balance and I do think that to imply they are somehow lacking in some way when they make that decision - which can be very difficult - isn't on.

Gottagetmoving Wed 13-Jul-16 18:58:00

I always thought it was very difficult, however, when things get really bad you can get to a point that you suddenly realise it is easy compared to staying together.
I suppose it depends on your circumstances, jobs, family support and your finances. The advice LTB is ridiculous unless you know all the circumstances.

branofthemist Wed 13-Jul-16 20:14:26

I don't think anyone that suggest 'ltb' thinks it's easy.

Of course it's not. That doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do. On the rare occasion, I have suggested 'ltb' it's usually more of a 'start to plan to ltb'

I do think (from my own experience from friends who were in this position), that sometimes people put more blocks in the way because of the emotional attachment and because they are scared of the Unknown. Which is entirely normal, but often not the right reason to stay.

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