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What will be best for my baby, on or off the birth certificate?

(70 Posts)
soph17 Wed 13-Jul-16 11:44:44

I have an ex partner who uses our unborn child as an excuse as to why he should/has to know everything I am up too, such as; who I am with, where I am going, what time I am going, is there going to be any males present etc. He had apparently soon stopped all drugs shortly after finding out we were expecting, however a couple of months ago he sniffed 2 different types of drugs(vile, I know) and ever since I have had a lot of rumours telling me he has been out partying and doing more drugs, in which he denies and throws 'you're just doing anything to stop me being in this babys life'. Every time we speak without a doubt he will either accuse me of being with a male or at least asks if I have a new partner. We have been split up for around 5 months now and he still to this day begs for me back and harrasses myself, my family members and also my friends with messages. He seems to only be sticking around in hope I take him back and we be a family. I have many people who have witnessed him shouting in my face in the streets(his mum had to come and take him away), calling me names, read our conversations over text and they are advising me not to put his name on the birth certificate. He has spent most of my pregnancy being blocked from any contact with me(unless it was about the baby) because he would always just want to know what i'm doing, accusing me of being with males and just simply stressing me out. I blocked his number from texting and ringing me, he would then message me through facebook, and after I blocked him off all my social media, I then got a twitter notification off of him...he had made a twitter account. I don't know want to do, she's due in 7weeks and near enough everyday of this pregnancy has been stressful, I want what's best for the baby so I just need help on this decision. I understand he is the father but is giving him half PR legally through the birth certificate the best thing? He will definately be able to see his child on the set dates and times we agree on if he doesn't go on it, as I have made so very clear. Thank you smile

user1467101855 Wed 13-Jul-16 11:49:01

It doesn't matter whether you give it to him or not, a simple court application will give it to him anyway.
PR is automatic, its not something you choose to give him.

Sonders Wed 13-Jul-16 11:51:31

Not putting his name on the birth certificate won't stop him from taking drugs, being a dead beat or harassing you.

It shouldn't be your choice of whether or not to put him on the certificate. You chose who the father of your child was when you got in bed him him, IMO keeping him off the birth certificate is just spiteful to him, and unfair on your child.

So, I think YABU.

TheWernethWife Wed 13-Jul-16 11:53:39

FOR GODS SAKE DO NOT PUT HIM ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE.

UmbongoUnchained Wed 13-Jul-16 11:53:56

I really regret putting my ex on.
He has nothing to do with my daughter, no interest in seeing her, but uses his PR rights just to cause hassle like request medical records and threaten to take her from nursery.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Wed 13-Jul-16 11:54:57

Dont put him on. He'll just use his PR as a stick to beat you with it. If he steps up, cleans up and proves himself as a father, he can apply to have his PR.

ErNope Wed 13-Jul-16 11:55:54

I'll probably get a roasting for this but I'd keep him off the birth certificate.. but i'd also allow contact, supervised by yourself AND a neutral family member/friend. See how he does.
If he wants PR he can go to court to fight for it, which also means a court arranged contact schedule in most cases. You can also push for him to be drug tested if you feel this would make him a risk to your child.

user1467101855 Wed 13-Jul-16 11:57:14

* If he steps up, cleans up and proves himself as a father, he can apply to have his PR*

He can apply before he does anything else. And he'll get it.

All this "don't give it to him" stuff is really misleading. You can't stop him getting it by keeping him off the cert. It's not a difficult process for him to get it.

Flisspaps Wed 13-Jul-16 11:57:15

I think off.

It should be fairly simple for him to go to court to be added on later - you will never get his name removed if you put it on now.

Sorebigtoes Wed 13-Jul-16 11:57:53

I disagree with pp. While he can apply for PR through the court (and will almost certainly be given it), why hand a man PR when you don't want him to have it because he is abusive to you? I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate.

SlimCheesy2 Wed 13-Jul-16 11:58:11

Unbongo is it true that a father who is not the spouse of the mother has to be physically present at the birth cert registration in order for him to be put on it, otherwise he is not? I just wonder, because if the OP's ex is so verbally abusive and erratic he ought not to be in her presence anyway so that is an easy 'out' to not put him on, IFYSWIM.

user1467101855 Wed 13-Jul-16 11:58:48

Exactly, you can't out him on anyway unless he is there to sign as well.

Sorebigtoes Wed 13-Jul-16 11:59:03

Pk, phew, a few others agreeing now to not put him on.

Yellowbird54321 Wed 13-Jul-16 11:59:54

Do not put him on the birth certificate. Having been in a similar type of situation many years ago I didn't and have never regretted it - best of luck for the future for you and your daughter flowers

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 13-Jul-16 12:04:21

Off.

"I have many people who have witnessed him shouting in my face in the streets(his mum had to come and take him away)"
And perhaps you should look into whether you could get a restraining order against him?

soph17 Wed 13-Jul-16 12:13:29

This is just tsome of what has happened with him during our breakup and seeing as many of you are saying very similar it's made me feel a lot more confident in which I should do. I do want to make clear though that he never physically laid a finger on me, just lost his temper very quickly and shouted in my face very aggressively...I don't show my emotions, even during this pregnancy I haven't cried in front of anyone but that one time I was in hysterics and he just carried on. If the court thinks he should go on then he can find that out himself by taking it to court. At the minute he doesn't know where my new home is(he rang me up at 12:30am and screamed down the phone to me, sent me dozens of texts and I then had 15 missed calls off him which finally stopped after 2am) and I do not feel guilty at all for not telling him I had moved out as before I even looked into moving out he demanded that only he is to decorate the baby's room and my dad wasn't the baby's dad so he was not allowed to help so at 7months pregnant i painted all 4 walls and laid her carpet by myself ... just don't want him using her to control me any longer as it's just so draining and making my pregnancy not the exciting, happy experience it should be...he really has changed for worst recently and it makes me feel so shit knowing i'm bringing another human into this mess!

lostoldlogin2 Wed 13-Jul-16 12:14:06

do not put him on the birth certificate under any circumstances. he is dangerous. he can apply for it through the courts if he wants to and can prove the child is his and so on - but he may well not bother whic sounds like it would be for the best . of course - no maintenance if he isn't on the birth cert - but then he likely wont pay that anyway,

It is easy for people to say its not up to you - it is. He can then contest it - but he would have to motivate himself to do so and there is a good chance he won't. as someone else said, don't just hand it over to him.

good luck flowers

EreniTheFrog Wed 13-Jul-16 12:14:37

Have you had any legal advice about how to keep yourself and the baby safe from him and his drug using?

lostoldlogin2 Wed 13-Jul-16 12:16:06

also -- if he is this volatile and nightmareish he may demonstrate it if he DOES go to court - which you could then point to even if he did get his name on as a reason for supervised contact or indeed no contact. abusive dangerous drug addicts do not good fathers make. you are right to protect your child.

lostoldlogin2 Wed 13-Jul-16 12:18:40

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/children-law-parents-separate/#pso

Mummyme1987 Wed 13-Jul-16 12:20:13

Day one of baby being born I would be applying for a non molestation order. Get legal advice now and stop him getting in contact now.

2016Hopeful Wed 13-Jul-16 12:21:05

Poor you. Yes. leave him off and he can apply himself. I think you should look to get some kind of restraining order on him too. It doesn't matter if he isn't violent - just the non stop texting and shouting in your face are enough. It doesn't sound like he will be a safe person for your child to be around at the moment. Keep all evidence of harassment and write everything down. You only want him having access to your child if you feel he is safe.

Wishing you all the best with the birth. I hope things calm down soon and you can enjoy your new baby.

soph17 Wed 13-Jul-16 12:22:40

I have all of the proof of what I am saying as it's all been through messages, I have proof of him admitting he had done the drugs that time too. However, the only non written proof I have is him in my face...however, my cousin and his mum was a witness so i'm not worried if it ever comes down to having to give evidence to as why I haven't put him on. Just the thought of court and all of that just scares me as all of that is new to me and never ever been through anything like that before. Thank you everyone for this advice, really has been an eye opener and time I do more and stop letting him get away with things for my baby's sake

trufflesnout Wed 13-Jul-16 12:27:16

If you are not married and he doesn't attend the signing you physically can't put him on, that used to be correct and I'm sure it still is. You can only vouch for your spouse, so if you're unmarried and he isn't there to do it himself, he won't be put on.

However, confirming PR is not that difficult and you won't be able to stop him if he wants to do that at a later date.

You should also bear in mind that having him on the birth certificate may be important to your child at a later date if they ever discover they have a heredity disease, or they wish to research their family tree. This would probably be more helpful/important to them if he weren't active in their life.

KayTee87 Wed 13-Jul-16 12:33:46

Don't put him on & indeed I think pp are right when they say he needs to be there if you're not married, you won't have to answer to a court about why you haven't so don't worry about that. He probably won't even bother going to court to get parental rights anyway. Also it is up to you but if I was you I'd be giving the baby my own surname.

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