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AIBU?

Why do I feel so guilty?

44 replies

stuckinthemiddlewithpooh · 13/07/2016 10:36

Why do I feel so guilty at my kids not seeing their grandmother anymore?
I've fallen out with my MIL because her youngest son who's the same age as me, but still lives at home, was cruel to my DD to the point that she had a panic attack. My parents are long gone and she was their only grandparent. Now I feel my kids are loosing out on having a relationship with their granny. However, I can't forgive bullying and when my DH contacted her about it, he was told to grow up, and that his LB was just playing and my daughters distress was unjustified. My DD was bullied at school so has been quite fragile, but I wouldn't expect a family member to treat her so abysmally. Why do I feel I should make amends when I know I'm not in the wrong. The kids miss their granny and I can't replace that bond.

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Greyponcho · 13/07/2016 10:39

Can granny not come to visit her DGC leaving uncle Dickhead at home?

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hellsbellsmelons · 13/07/2016 10:57

Why is it up to you to get to her?
Can she not drive?
Can you meet at a mutual place?
Can you collect her and then go out for Sunday lunch with the kids or something like that?

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user1467101855 · 13/07/2016 11:42

You answered your own question:
Question: Why do I feel I should make amends when I know I'm not in the wrong
Answer The kids miss their granny and I can't replace that bond

So put down your pride, build a bridge, and get over it.

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stuckinthemiddlewithpooh · 13/07/2016 11:50

Well I kind of screwed up the relationship. She wasn't happy about my decision to home school because I have no formal education in that area, and she believes only a teacher can teach. Oh and I threatened with the police because my DD had buises from where he'd kicked her into her Lego. My doctor advised getting social services involved but I didn't want the hassle so have just left it. She's a bit of a dragon tbh but my kids miss her. We've got elderly neighbors who spend time with them but it's not like being with Granny. When I got pregnant with my first child, which I lost at 22 weeks she went mad at my DH and spoke to him like a 5 to. This has never improved so I spoke to her the same way when my DD was upset, then she got her older son who also lives at home, to try to shout me down on the phone. Of course I became a Sargent major and told him I'd have him done for verbal assault as I'd recorded the conversation. Can't see a way forward and I think the relationship is not salvageable.

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DarkAngel1984 · 13/07/2016 11:52

One of my sets of grandparents were raging alcoholics and used to do all messed up stuff. To be honest I didn't miss the contact with them. You don't say how old your dd is? Ask her how she feels about going to granny's? But mostly you need to protect you child. Sorry ur mil is not more supportive

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MotherKat · 13/07/2016 11:54

Please do not listen to the people telling you to let this woman into your childrens' lives. She will continue to be hateful and your children will grow up they will think it is OK for people to treat them this way.

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stuckinthemiddlewithpooh · 13/07/2016 11:59

She's almost 8 and is missing Granny but understands we can't let her go in that environment again after the doctor saw the damage caused. My DS who's 10 is non stop about his uncles and saying he'll go on his own or get his uncle to pick him up. He came home justifying their bullying saying they were just trying to toughen my DD up. He lost his devices for a month. It's taken us a while to stop him from being mean to his sister but he's finally learned that winding her up isn't nice since they stopped going to school.

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Thefitfatty · 13/07/2016 12:03

*DD had buises from where he'd kicked her into her Lego."

Wait, her uncle, a grown man, purposely kicked a child onto lego's?
And his mother is ok with this?

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Greyponcho · 13/07/2016 12:07

Urgh. Do not feel guilty for keeping your DC away from that vile family.

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stuckinthemiddlewithpooh · 13/07/2016 12:09

Yes she said they were just playing and that my DD was overreacting and my MIL told my DH to grow up. I think her 30 yo son needs to grow up and stop bulling little children.

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Thefitfatty · 13/07/2016 12:11

FFS. No, keep them away.

My uncle was like that, and my DGM respected that my DM didn't want him near us and made sure he was never around when we were. Her grandkids should come first.

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DarkAngel1984 · 13/07/2016 12:12

After seeing more of this I would tell ur mil to F off that is completely out of order

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stuckinthemiddlewithpooh · 13/07/2016 12:16

You're right I shouldn't feel guilty, but then they'd have no grandparents and I feel they're missing out on having a family like their friends have. I think it's important for kids to learn from every generation and grandparents usually have a wealth of knowledge to share.

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Thefitfatty · 13/07/2016 12:18

grandparents usually have a wealth of knowledge to share.

Sure, if they are kind decent people. You MIL is standing up for an adult son that pushed a kid.

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KERALA1 · 13/07/2016 12:20

Err just because someone is old and a gp does not automatically mean they are pleasant or have a wealth of knowledge to share.

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BungoWomble · 13/07/2016 12:25

The knowledge this mil and uncle have to share is that violence and males are always right. Not what I would want to teach my kids. I'd keep both well away.

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MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 13/07/2016 12:25

Even jerks get old!

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stuckinthemiddlewithpooh · 13/07/2016 12:27

I suppose I'm just feeling like the bad guy because they keep asking me when I'm going to talk to Granny again. My DS ask when I was going to apologize to her and make up. I explained I wasn't going to and was still waiting on an apology myself for my DD, but he can't understand why we can't just get on like before.

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Junosmum · 13/07/2016 12:32

Sounds like your MIL is unable to understand the harm her adult son can do to children and would fail to protect them if a similar issue arose in the future. Therefore she is not suitable to be left in sole care of the children.

If you do resume a relationship with her, please bear that in mind. Not just in relation to BIL but to leaving them alone with her full stop.

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stuckinthemiddlewithpooh · 13/07/2016 12:58

In all fairness I should have realized what she was like when my dh told me the story of when he dogpiled his bro and broke his rib. My mil wacked my bil in the chest with his luchbox on the way to school when he complained and told he to stop being a wuss. It wasn't till my bil was an adult and had an xray that he found out his ribs had been broken and repaired themselves.

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BungoWomble · 13/07/2016 13:03

It all sounds like what's nowadays called emotional abuse tbh and those sorts of people are good at making you out to be the bad guy. Don't fall for it. As for your ds, it sounds like he's been only too keen to take on their messages and needs to be kept away.

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stuckinthemiddlewithpooh · 13/07/2016 13:19

You're right about making me out to be the bad guy. They threatened to go to social services when we fell out, because I was home educating and I'm disabled so my dc's have to make their own breakfast some mornings while my painkillers kick in. This she called them having to fend for themselves and called me an unfit parent. This is why my doctor suggested I call social services myself, but I was worried my bil would get in trouble and not be able to keep his job in the public sector. I didn't want to cause them trouble and they haven't called them on me. My kids are kind and caring until they are around my mil and her sons. My dh is nothing like his bros. He's my career and is very sympathetic an empathetic unlike his family.

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WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 13/07/2016 22:08

There used to be a scheme where somebody matched up kids who don't have or don't live near grandparents.

And elder people who don't have or live near grandkids.

I think it was called "adopt a granny" or similar.

They ran checks on all applicants. Crb?

I would not be letting my kids near that family! They are a danger.

I would try to find "new" grandparents.
There must be someone local to you who would appreciate a regular visitor.

I think the plan was that the youngsters would benefit from advice from a granny/grandad figure. Maybe older kids or teens would be helpful now and then. Mow a lawn or similar.
Granny had someone to bake cakes for.

Helped with isolation/loneliness in the grannies.

That could be what your dcs are missing?

Not "Mr and Mrs anyname " who happen to be related.
But being fussed over and fed extra biscuits by someone who isn't mum or dad.

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stuckinthemiddlewithpooh · 13/07/2016 23:26

Luckily we have elderly neighbors who are fantastic and have been teaching my DD to crochet and she's been helping in their garden and has been spoilt rotten by them. That's a great idea, thanks whycantiusethenameiwant. We may visit some local oaps groups and volunteer our time for some war stories 😊

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Birdsgottafly · 14/07/2016 09:46

"" I feel they're missing out on having a family like their friends have. ""

They don't have the family that their friends have, even if they have contact.

What's really concerning is the way that they'd roped your DS into believing that your DD deserved to be treated badly, even physically.

They were on their way to creating an abuser and victim, in their Adult relationships. Your DD would end up with very poor self worth, if it continued.

Your MIL, is an enabler and colluding in the mistreatment.

This is beyond usual behaviour, your DH has just normalised it. It's under a very 'outside the norm' situation, that a GP would recommend that a Parent goes to SS, before family do, or, as, I suspect, to have an outsider, look at the situation.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Children benefit from Grandparents, because it's another set of people who can love and nurture a child, which is good for their MH (as well as physical). Your children's GPs/Uncle will only damage them.