To be gobsmacked at the sheer selfishness of this

[witchofzog]

Oldest dsd is 20. She has form for wanting her parents to run around after her. For example a couple of years ago dp and I missed out on plans we had made for a day trip on our anniversary because dsd wanted a lift to the next village and "doesn't like the bus"

Stern words with dp were had and he has tried to stick to put plans if prearranged now.

Fast forward to this week. Dsd has been to a festival involving quite a long train journey on her own as she was meeting friends there. The final leg on the way home is 30 mins from the nearest city to our town but with a 45 minute wait for to connections. At 8pm. The same night its our anniversary again and we are going for a meal. She text me

"Can you ask if dad can come and pick me up"(from the city station 40 mins drive at least each way)

My reply was

"Sorry lovely. It's our anniversary tonight and we are going for a meal. Looking forward to hearing all about the festival though soon"

She texts back "please. I have to wait 45 minutes"

I reiterated no. We are going for a meal in the opposite direction but she could go to the McDonald's at the station to kill time if she wanted to be somewhere warm.

She then proceeded to phone her dad. No reference to the fact that I had already said no. It's not fair. She is tired and cannot wait 45 mins. Her parents are out of order (her mum had also said no) etc etc

Dp stood his ground this time and we went for our meal. But seriously. She is 20. When I was her age I was totally independent. And if someone was going out for an anniversary meal I would not keep badgering them into coming to get me instead.

She insists even now a few days later that she was the wronged party. Surely she can't be serious?

[witchofzog]

The lift to the next village was at 2pm due to HER plans hence missing the day trip a few years ago btw

[FuckJeffGoldblumMan]

If she can go to a festival on her own she can wait 45 minutes for her train.

[KittyLaRoux]

Of course shes serious. Doesnt make her right though.
Ignore her whinging and stick to your guns she will soon get over it.

[NataliaOsipova]

Either you're a child (and therefore plans are made around you and on your behalf) or you're an adult (and they aren't - you sort yourself out). If you're a child you don't go to a festival on your own. She needs to decide which she is!

[BagPusscatnip]

I don't think anyone will say YABU at all.

She needs to grow up a bit. Perhaps her parents need to practice saying "no" a lot more often, and realise that she will still love and need them (and dare I say respect them more for doing so).

[witchofzog]

She has always been babied by dp. Not so much by her mum. And I do love her to bits as she is generally lovely. But at the same time she has this selfish streak which I hoped she would have grown out of now

[MollyTwo]

Yanbu and good that her mum as well as your dp said no. At 20 she really seems immature but probably used to her parents dropping everything for her.

[JackieAndHyde4eva]

Well she has been pandered to this far in life so of course she thinks thats normal. It'll take an adjustment period before she learns the new rules about what she can and cant expect from her dad. Has he spelled it out to her or just decided he isnt doing it anymore without actually telling her and why?

[MargaretCavendish]

Of course you're not being unreasonable. It is interesting though that both 'incidents' involved ruining (or attempting to ruin) your anniversary - I wonder whether even if she likes you personally, there are still some lingering bad feelings about dad's 'new' wife? Not in any way an excuse, of course, but perhaps a bit of an explanation?

[MrsBobDylan]

To be fair, if your dh has only recently stopped indulging her then it's hardly a surprise she still thinks the world revolves around her. She'll get it in the end though if he's consistent, even if he is several years too late.

[OiWithThePoodlesAlready]

Yanbu.

She probably will still grow out if it. I was awful at 20.

[Andrewofgg]

DP must always, always, always say Have you asked witchofzog and if you've said No it's No. And vice versa. No appeals from one to the other.

That should be obvious but years ago DE and I had to agree the same rule with MIL when I refused to leave a relation's house early to run her home so she tried DW instead. If people of any age get away with it they will do it again.

[acasualobserver]

A 45 minute wait? That's why books were invented. You were both right not to indulge her.

[witchofzog]

The anniversary thing isn't intentional as far as I know. The first year she wasn't aware it was our anniversary and this year she found out after asking for the lift.

Dp hasn't spelled it out to her. I kind of thought it should be obvious but maybe he should do this. She has 2 younger sisters who are a lot more streetwise than she seems to be, but she also seems to choose to be a child when it suits her if you know what I mean.

[pictish]

Ohhh hahaha what a self absorbed little minx! Oooh had to wait for 45 minutes, poor pumpkin.

Yanbu - treat her with the amusement this deserves. She needs to be brought back down to earth with a bump.

Mind you, she has obviously got this way through experience - are mum and dad normally a pair of indulgent drips?

[Tabsicle]

YANBU but I'm sure she'll get better. I was a horror at 20. She's been taught so far that the magic dad bus will appear when summoned so that's her normal. Once she works out it won't, she'll settle again, esp if she's normally lovely.

[EsmeraldaEllaBella]

Tbh I think they way she has been brought up is why she's like that, her parents have allowed her to not be so independent. If you all keep singing from the same hymn sheet she will soon grow up a bit!

[nonline]

Frankly you could be sat at home doing nothing and still be reasonable not to pick her up when the journey to collect is just as long.

She won't stop until DP stops spoiling her - I feel similarly about (older) relative of my own.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Any reason why she can't learn to drive.

[BeckyMcDonald]

20?! Jesus, she sounds about 13. At 20 I was half way round the world killing time in Indian bus stations with random strangers and sleeping on benches in railway stations in Japan because I had to wait hours between connections. She sounds like she needs to get out and see the world.

[RachelLynde]

Blimey, I'd left home long before then and was totally independent!

You were right, and if she keeps going on about it then you need to make the point made above that if she expects to be treated like a child then she can't go to festivals and things like that on her own. It's one or the other. If she can navigate her way to a festival and sort out trains and buses, she can bloody well wait for her connection for 45 minutes! She sounds very selfish, but most 20 year olds are I should think. I was very independent by then but most of my friends were still living at home / at uni and coming home expecting to be waited on. I think 'adulthood' doesn't really sink in until you've moved out and fully cut the apron strings. Might be time?

[JackieAndHyde4eva]

She isnt very bright if she thinks its worth her dad taking 40 minutes to get there! It would only be another 5 minutes until her bus arrived!

[milkyface]

YANBU. I'm 21 and I've got my own house car and baby. I don't remember the last time I asked my mum/stepdad for a lift!

If she can go to a festival with her friends she can wait 45 mins on her own. Unless it's like the dead of night and pissing down there's no way I'd be picking her up!