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To be in a strop over this situation?

(5 Posts)
houseeveryweekend Wed 13-Jul-16 02:19:36

So yes i am probably being unreasonable and havent actually got angry, just silently gone to bed (not in a pointed way or anything just in a normal way) Underneath tho im quite upset.
So the main issue is that my DP wont lend me £25 to register as a supporter so i can vote for Corbyn in the leadership election.
I am a Labour party member but have only been so less than 6 months which apparently will mean i have to pay this to vote. I did vote last time as a registered supporter but it only cost £3 then and i had that. I dont have £25. This has sparked a wider issue where i feel pretty trapped and resentful.
Im a stay at home mum and financially dependant on my DP. We dont have a joint account.
Whilst i understand im very lucky to be able to stay at home with my child it wasnt so much of a choice as a nessacary decision made by us due to finance.
I left my job after the baby was born a year ago and we moved away from the city where i had been working to a remote area which was much nearer my DPs workplace. This makes it impossible for me to return to my old job as i dont drive and even if i did it would be over an hour and a half commute. The shifts i worked were 13hr also so this leads on to another issue which is that in order for me to have continued working my DP would have had to have had set days as he would have had to have had the baby when i was working (neither of us have family in this country so no one to look after baby for free) and he says he cannot guarentee he can get specific days off. As i was working for minimum wage this would barely cover childcare for the days i was working and what childcare can cover whole 13hr days? (my partner also works 13hr days)
My DP works in the same field as me (healthcare) but at a much higher level so earns 3 times what i would in the same time.
All of this made it seem like i should stay home for the first couple of years.
When i say my DP earns 3 times what i did thats not to say he is wealthy, paticularly considering he supports us all now.
He is a kind and hands on dad and partner. He does alot of cooking and takes the baby for days out so i can have a day in by myself etc... as well as doing lots of things as a whole family. I love him very much and enjoy his company.
What im angry about though is that he has decided that something important to me is not important enough for him to spend money on because its not as important to him.
I suppose im quite resentful that he gets to decide things like that and if i disagree i feel like im starting an argument or begging or whining. (he doesnt shout at me or argue or anything its just the way i feel about it)
Occasionally if he has had a good month in terms of work (he sometimes takes extra shifts) he will put a couple of hundred into my bank account. But this cant be relied on and it only happens after ive pointed out that we agreed he would do this and hasnt been doing it.
Now to be fair i havent pressed to get a joint account because i am slightly frightened by the pressure of being responsible for money he earns and feeling like he may be worried about me spending his money. And i know this is my own issue that stems from issues i had with my parents as a child. Im very non confrontational and cant stand to feel like im making him stressed. I also find it humiliating asking for money when i know he doesnt want to give it. Even though im sure if i banged on about it enough he might give it to me it wouldnt be worth it because of how terrible id feel. Its putting a strain on our relationship and making me quite depressed.
I never thought id be a stay at home mum and to be honest im not very good at it. The house is messy and i cant really cook or anything. This makes me feel worse about the money thing because i see that he has to work to pay all the bills and i know its a big responsibilty and must be stressful. I know that money is tight and he does have some debt although not a massive amount.
Thing is tho he can drive and hes in control of all the money, everythings in his name... and altho he would never in a million years run off or anything i just feel like its a thing to know he could! Id like to know i could but all i know is that im incredibly dependant on him and that makes me feel really down even though its not really his fault.
Im angry about this paticular issue of the £25 tonight because in a few days we are suppsoed to be travelling a long way to see some of his old friends. We are going to be staying in a couple of hotels (which i booked admittedly even tho he wasnt happy about that expense even though neither of them is more than £40 a night for the 3 of us) we are driving five hours away with a 1 year old and will be going out in an expensive city for lunch and dinner with his friends. I know its important to him and hes been planning it for some time and has saved money for it but i kind of feel like im going there to show off the baby to his old friends and i dont much want to go to be honest. Hes happy to spend money on this because its important to him but not money on whats important to me. I dont really feel like i have much agency and thats coupled with me having pretty low self esteem. I guess i feel a bit trapped. I love him and i know hes not doing anything to me on purpose but im not sure how to deal with this situation?
I kind of feel like just refusing to come with him on this trip just to assert some power. But i know thats passive agressive. I used to be able to talk to him about anything but talking about this for some reason just makes it worse. I feel like im whining for money when i havent really done anything to deserve it and it makes me feel like shit about myself and i think he feels a bit taken advantage of and unnappreciated.
But what do you do about that? I hate being this sulky resentful person and making the man i love sad but then i also hate having to humiliate myself by asking for money and having the things i ask for money for judged.
Do i just need to pull myself together and try and get over my anger about the £25??
BTW our baby was a surprise which is why as you can see we hadnt discussed this situation beforehand or made any plans to deal with it

Coldhandscoldheart Wed 13-Jul-16 02:52:14

Oh no, I just lost a long reply! Better people than me will be on to help you with this, but just a few thoughts since I'm up.

The weekend away. I think you'd be cutting off your nose to spite your face if you sulk while you're away. Can you see it as a little break, change of scenery (and hotels! No cooking or cleaning! ) and a chance to catch your breath? Incidentally, where were you going to stay if he didn't want a hotel?

I think you'll have to write off your Corbyn vote, but it's clear you need to have a straight and honest chat about finances. You both need some money each month that is yours to spend on what you like or save. Can you ask him to set up a dd/standing order weekly or monthly? It sounds as if he sees that you need money, but doesn't see how bad it is having to ask for it.
You may need a sit down chat about all finances. Are you getting all tax credits etc you're entitled to?
He may turn out to be a financially abusive cock, at which point you should think about leaving, but give him the benefit of the doubt first and see what he says.

It sounds as if you could do with a bit more confidence. In terms of household skills, there is so much help on here for all those tidying, cleaning, budgeting, meal planning things, and you might feel better for being a bit more in control.
Would learning to drive be a possibility? It isn't for everyone, but is a great skill. Or can you acquire a bike? Just to increase your freedom a bit?

Just a few thoughts til someone better comes along, 2a.m can be a lonely place smile

HedgehogHedgehog Wed 13-Jul-16 03:25:04

Aww thank you what a lovely reply!
It helped just to write it all down to be honest. I know i would be being silly to not go away on this trip youre right.
About the hotel- yes exactly, he didnt have an alternative that was realistic with a one year old child.

Annoyingly he earns just a grand more than the limit for me to get any benefits other than child benefit.
We had discussed the standing order before but it made him very uncomfortable as he thought there would be some months he wouldnt be able to give me as much due to outgoings.
I said if he needed it back that month id just give it back its not as though the money is going to leave the household its just that it is affecting our relationship badly for me to be asking him for money all the time. I suppose he doesnt want to have to ask for money either!
We didnt really get anywhere with this because i think we are both quite afraid of argument so it just gets very quiet, no one actually says no or anything but it just never happened in the end.
I understand that our finances are tight but its the lack of input in defining what is most important for our money to be spent on. In his defence tho i suppose im just very nervy about the responsibility so probably giving the impression that i couldnt deal with being in control of finances. I honestly dont know weather it would benefit us more for me to have more input or put us under more strain because hed be worried about not having complete control.

You are very right about the confidence around household skills. Its mostly motivation. I get overwhelmed by it and then sink into depression over it and let everything slip. Its so much pressure and the things you do just get undone... each day you do the washing and the floors and the dishes and then its all back to square one and no one notices that youve done it but they do notice if you havent! Its a bit soul destroying.

Gingernut81 Wed 13-Jul-16 03:46:10

I think your DP needs to set up a standing order for the minimum amount each month. DH & I sat down when my mat pay reduced and worked out what I'd need each month. We're lucky in that he has a good job but it was important to him that I had 'spends' in that amount too, I suppose so that he doesn't feel guilty about blowing a load on CDs or whatever each monthgrin
There are some months when I have to ask for a top up due to additional expenses but I was adamant that I didn't want to be going cap in hand every time I needed money. I think you need to try explaining this to him again. Whose account does the child benefit get paid into? I know it's not a lot but for a friend of mine this was her spending money each month.

Oh and I empathise about the house work, it's like bloody ground hog day everyday!

Zarah123 Wed 13-Jul-16 03:47:12

We are going to be staying in a couple of hotels (which i booked admittedly even tho he wasnt happy about that expense even though neither of them is more than £40 a night for the 3 of us)

So you booked a hotel so he could see his friends, and yet you feel guilty and he isn't happy with the expense? Where was he expecting to stay?

OP, you need to insist on a joint account. You are a partner in this relationship, not a child to be given occasional pocket money when he feels like it.

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