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AIBU To want to leave

(7 Posts)
VixenGD Tue 12-Jul-16 20:42:12

I'm apologising in advance for the length of this post. But I'm at my wits end. Have been with my OH for ten years now. When we met he had a job, his own flat, an active social life. About six months after we met he hurt his back at work. He was on a monthly rolling contract and didn't get any sick pay as they just did not renew the contract. This led to him becoming very depressed.

After his back healed we moved back to my home town as he was offered a job. As rents are higher here we moved in with my parents, not ideal but a money saving exercise. (I was a full time uni student at this point, met him at uni and changed my course to the local uni when we moved)
We ended up staying with my parents for seven years. His depression came back. He couldn't do his job. I got a full time job, he got diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome, I became his Carer.

Then I got pregnant. It was a surprise. But no way was i having an abortion.

Now him and my parents have a rocky relationship. He had house cats. They agreed we could bring them with us. They let them out and we lost both of them. He didn't forgive that.
He didn't work. He had depression and aspergers. My mum thinks you should just get on with stuff and that anyone who claim depression is a malingerer. She basically thought I should chuck him as he couldn't provide.

Now we have a child in the mix.
My DC is 6. And they fight over DC. We now have a council house. OH says DC gets too Spoilt by my parents. (Partially true) doesn't want DC to see my parents until they've apologised for their behaviour over the years.
Parents ignore OH. It's like he's not in the room.
Both sides need to get over themselves as me and DC are being pulled from pillar to post.

I'm working part time so I can look after both OH and DC (OH now registered disabled due to old back injury and aspergers combined)
But OH can't get to the school for DC so parents take for me in the mornings. (I work 8-12 so there for pick up etc) which I am thankful for. However they also never follow any rules I set, DC ends up having chocolate after breakfast, they never say no to anything, anything asked for magically appears and I end up with a tantrum every time I say no. Have asked them to stop and just get the old "Who are you to tell me, I raised two children" however many times I point out that I'm her mum I just get "Well so you won't want our help then". So I can't really win here

Recently OH has started yelling at me. Saying me and my parents get everything our own way. "They get to see DC every day, I am nothing to them"
Yet if they offer to help financially he never says no.
Recently he's been really paranoid telling me that now I have the house I'm trying to get rid of him. I apparently have everything so I don't need him any more. And he's started shutting himself in his "man room" literally slamming the door in my face every time I disagree with him.

AIBU to think enough is enough. I'm not good enough for either of them. I'm never relaxed. My relationships with OH and Parents are both bad and both seem to be trying to manipulate me. I feel like cutting both out right now.

MollyTwo Tue 12-Jul-16 20:49:30

I really feel for you, what a horrible situation to be stuck in. You are being pulled in both directions. Both parties seem are wrong here, but if you had to cut your losses it would be the husband. What exactly does he bring to your family?

I think you need to discuss with parents and OH to say what this is doing to you.

Your parents need to respect that the DC is your OH child and therefore they need to listen to both your rules

VixenGD Tue 12-Jul-16 21:00:45

MollyTwo my relationship with my parents has always been odd. They have this crazy rule that they always back each other up despite what they really feel. That's fine against a 10 year old. But I'm in my thirties. I have been told that my opinion is not valid and yelled at for expressing a different opinion over things such as politics.
So what my OH brings to the relationship is that he's the only person who has ever let me express an opinion and given me any sense of self worth. He's stuck by me for bad times as well. A councellor told me really I need family therapy with my parents but they refuse to go.
At 16 I was feeling suicidal so I tried to talk to my mum. The upshot was my dad grabbing me and telling me to stop being so selfish and upsetting my mother. So having someone who does stand by me means a lot.

HandbagCrazy Tue 12-Jul-16 21:15:55

Taking each relationship from what you say, neither is healthy and you would be better off alone.

Your DH - amazing that he feels he is the provider and is being phased out. He has not provided much, especially emotionally for you. He is abusive (slamming door in your face) and completely unreasonable regarding your parents. I am inclined to give some slack to him as he has Aspergers and maybe doesn't see the connection between his actions and your feelings. BUT he is an adult - aspie children are taught these things as best they can because Aspergers does not equal a horrible person.
If he cared about your feelings he would at least attempt some solution.
How do conversations go? Can you calmly tell him that even without the issues with your parents, he isn't making you happy right now and you want to talk about it?

Your parents are controlling. Yes, parents should present themselves as a team when bringing up children, but undermining you / not following your rules / ignoring your DH is horrible, and designed to keep the kids onside and ensure you feel unsure and off kilter.

I don't know your financial situation but I would look to change your hours if possible. Can you work evenings / nights instead, so you're not relying on anyone for childcare. Particularly towards your parents, you need to dismantle any hold they have over you. This includes turning down financial help.
See them on your terms - if they don't follow your rules / undermine you, take the children home. A happy "silly nanny, she forgot we don't do that / you're not allowed that" with a laugh. Every single time. They'll learn.

MrsBobDylan Tue 12-Jul-16 21:40:53

I think you need counselling to help you break out of a co-dependant relationship with your parents and oh.

You sound as though you never really grew up and broke away from your parents and they continue to bully and control you.

You can do this without them. Enrol DC in a breakfast club or with a chichildminder and kick your partner out on the basis that he doesn't make you happy. Give yourself the chance to meet someone who treats you respectfully and allows you to be happy.

You owe it to yourself - you can't change your parents or your oh, but you can absolutely change how you allow them into your life. Good luck!

whois Tue 12-Jul-16 21:44:29

Yeah, sounds shit.

Dump the looser of a partner who has NEVER done anything for you.

Move out of your parents house and concentrate on looking after you and your child. You'll never be an equal in their house.

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