To not have DPs kids in the holidays more

(277 Posts)
iloveberries Tue 12-Jul-16 13:48:41

DP and his EXw work full time.
I work only term time and have done since I became a single parent (so being with DP doesn't find this life choice.)

DPs ex is asking us to have their kids more in the holidays and when he's saying he can't cause he's at work she's asking why I can't look after them. Technically I could but I have my own DS who I want to give quality time to and am also pregnant and my job is very demanding so in my time off I just want to have fun with my DS.

DP says he completely understands this and tells his ex that their kids aren't my responsibility to look after.

AIBU though? When she is genuinely stuck I do help out but I feel she is just using me for childcare more and more. DP pays considerable maintainence and she is practically mortgage free so can afford childcare.

I've said no to extra requests this holiday but she is really pushing saying its unfair that the children won't be at ours as much as they were last summer (when DP had a more flexible job and could be around for them more. )

iloveberries Tue 12-Jul-16 13:49:16

Doesn't FUND this life choice

Iamnotloobrushphobic Tue 12-Jul-16 13:51:46

Do you and your DH live together? Do the kids see you as a step-mum? A lot depends on whether you and your DP are in a committed long term relationship where you are a blended family or whether you are boyfriend and girlfriend who are just seeing each other on a more casual basis.

Noodledoodledoo Tue 12-Jul-16 13:58:02

Does your DP do any/his share of the holiday childcare at all? Is this on top of an equal 50/50 split of the holidays?

It shouldn't be down to you if you live apart but he should help with half his share of the time.

oldestmumaintheworld Tue 12-Jul-16 13:59:39

Childcare between your partner and his exw are their affair and not yours. When you both work full time it is difficult to manage the school holidays, but that is the way it is. Everyone with children knows this, everyone with children knows when they are and needs to plan accordingly. This is neither your problem nor your responsibility. Let them sort it out between them.

BillSykesDog Tue 12-Jul-16 14:06:47

He should be paying for half the holiday childcare surely?

NeedsAsockamnesty Tue 12-Jul-16 14:08:11

You don't need to be providing holiday childcare.

He does

iloveberries Tue 12-Jul-16 14:08:17

We live together and have been together 3 yrs. the kids def see me as stepmum when they're here but aren't in touch when they're not - whereas they call and text DP often.

We will have them for 2 weeks in the holidays and 2 of his family members will have them for a week each (in her home at her request)

There isn't a formal plan in place for holidays it we've tended to do 50% of Easter, Christmas and half terms and 2 weeks in the summer

iloveberries Tue 12-Jul-16 14:14:35

billsykesdog - he pays maintenance which should surely be used for holiday childcare if needed (as it is the kids don't go to paid holiday clubs but in principle wouldn't this be the way it works)

WorraLiberty Tue 12-Jul-16 14:15:17

Perhaps he should offer 50% in the summer too then?

WorraLiberty Tue 12-Jul-16 14:17:11

Actually come to think of it, there really should be a formal plan in place.

This would help all of you.

Aeroflotgirl Tue 12-Jul-16 14:18:39

He should be taking time off in the holiday to have his kids, its only fair.

branofthemist Tue 12-Jul-16 14:19:03

Since he and his family have sorted 4 weeks, surely that's more than half the holidays?

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys Tue 12-Jul-16 14:20:53

YADNBU.

She's really cheeky for asking you to look after her kids just because you're off work. Not everyone has a convenient stepmum in their children's lives to palm them off to.
Presumably you're looking after your DSCs for your husband on his days- that's fine. That's your bit done. Her days are her problem.

You want to spend quality time with your own child without your DSCs being there. Don't bloody blame you. On mum's days that is your time with your child and enjoy it smile

Tell her to fuck off.

WorraLiberty Tue 12-Jul-16 14:21:21

Yes but if they had a formal plan in place for 3 weeks of the summer holidays each, everyone would know where they stood and would be able to arrange it in time.

iloveberries Tue 12-Jul-16 14:21:24

He couldnt have them 50% of the holidays as he works away often so it would fall to me to do the day to day with them which to be frank I don't want to do.

He has 5 weeks annual leave which is already taken up with the Easter/Christmas/half terms/2 weeks at summer so there's no other way he could actually have them. It would have to be me.

Ex w obviously also has the annual leave issue but works closer to home so could organise childcare easier.

WorraLiberty Tue 12-Jul-16 14:23:24

How would it fall on you when he's working away?

Surely he would just pay for childcare?

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected Tue 12-Jul-16 14:23:25

YANBU, she is using you as free "holiday club" and her request is not in any way about the kids spending quality time with their father & step mother

eyebrowsonfleek Tue 12-Jul-16 14:24:44

Yanbu.

There are 13 weeks of school holidays so only having 5 weeks isn't an excuse for your h. He should offer to pay 50% of any paid childcare she uses over the summer.

iloveberries Tue 12-Jul-16 14:24:53

On the days they are with us DP generally takes his leave so he looks after them.

Slight nuances eg. PD days, sometimes when kids are sick, snow days, if ex has to go away with work when I will help out if I can. I just feel I'm being "expected" to do more by her just because I work part time. (The kids will also say that their mum has said my life is much easier as I woke part time hmm) This may be true but it was my set up before I met my DP and it is a set up I worked hard as a single mum to get to

Camembertie Tue 12-Jul-16 14:25:51

But he would have to put them in a holiday club if he didn't have enough leave left, like we all do confused Obviously he can't magic any more leave but equally he has to take responsibility for the kids and arrange appropriate childcare, and it's between him and you only if that is you, paid childcare or another relative.

WorraLiberty Tue 12-Jul-16 14:26:08

I think the OP is being used by both parents here tbh.

The mum working closer to home has nothing to do with being able to arrange childcare more easily, because the dad could do the same thing when he has the kids and arrange care closer to his home.

iloveberries Tue 12-Jul-16 14:27:02

worra - who would give his kids breakfast, take them to holiday club, collect them, give them tea, get them bathed, put them to bed, make their meals, do their washing, tidy up their crap.

Plus then I'd have the "it's not fair" about why my DS stayed with me and did fun stuff and they went to holiday club. (Which I can kind of understand as it screams of "I don't want you here"!) it's not that I don't like them. Just that I value my 1:1 time with DS.

iloveberries Tue 12-Jul-16 14:28:16

worra - you're missing the point.
If dad isn't at home all week then someone has to do all the day to day stuff.

UterusUterusGhali Tue 12-Jul-16 14:28:49

It seems he's doing enough, but holiday childcare costs should be 50/50. She works too. She's no more able to pull extra annual leave out of her arse than he is just because she's a woman. confused

Child support shouldn't cover childcare too imo.
It's a massive cost, and should be split equally.

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