To think snapping and constant interrupting is a form of getting the upper hand?

[FionaThePrincess]

I'm at home today, my husband is at work. There was something wrong with our dog when I was out walking him and I wanted husband's opinion. I sent a text asking him to call me. It's his lunch break so I knew I wasn't interrupting work. He phoned me:

Him (snappy arrogant impatient tone): What's up?
Me: I think there's something up with the dog-
Him (interrupting before I can finish the sentence - still snappy) Get him to the vet then
Me: Hang on, can I tell you what's happened first.

As I tell him what happened with the dog; he constantly interrupted me, snapping questions without giving me chance to finish what I was saying.

He later texted me, making it all about him: "Look at it from my point of view. You text saying to call you; I'm not there to make a decision"

Well how the fuck else am I meant to tell him about it? Mind control?

He does this a lot. I have to be really skilled at presenting information to him in a certain way or he flips. I'm sure it's a way of him showing he's in charge, or a way of getting the upper hand (despite the situation just calling for a bit of support and his opinion) or he's just a plain old bully.

Just as a background and so as not to drip feed, if I dare to interrupt him or ask him something he doesn't like or want to do, then he always snaps in response. There is no reasonable polite discussion.

AIBU or is he?

[rememberthetime]

You could try the TV remote technique.Explain to him that you find it hard to talk to him about things when he interrupts you so you are going to use the remote control to show who is talking. Whoever is holding it cannot be interrupted until they choose to pass the remote over to the other person.

it does work - sometimes you need to add in a time limit if he tends to get carried away.

My husband interrupts if he thinks i am going to be critical. he likes to get in first and criticise me before i have had the chance to say anything. We often use the remote technique or i get too frustrated and decide not to talk at all.

[Paintedhandprints]

Sounds exhausting.

[FionaThePrincess]

It IS exhausting. He's middle-aged - you'd think he'd have grown the fuck up by now and learnt to have an adult conversation.

[seahorse106]

Sounds just like my ex
It is one of the reasons he is an ex!
I honestly couldn't finish a sentence without him butting in and getting the wrong end of the stick .

[BeJayKayven]

I hear you op. Same.

Is the dog ok?

[FionaThePrincess]

Thanks, glad it's not just me!

Yes the dog is fine now thanks. I took him to the vet and it seems he was stung while we were out walking, which explains his behaviour acting like something had spooked him (and which was what I couldn't work out and wanted to tell my husband about to get his take on it).

When my husband got home last night, he then wanted the whole story of what happened on the walk, which he could have got if he'd actually listened to me on the phone instead of constantly interrupting. So I refused to repeat what happened on the walk and just told him what the vet said. All evening, he kept trying to ask me questions about what had happened on the walk/the dog's symptoms, so I kept saying "well it's like I told you on the phone today. The vet said..."

So he still doesn't know the full story because he wanted to hear the story on his own terms - everything is about him being in control. He wanted to act like an arrogant interrupty arse on the phone and wanted me to relay what happened again when he was home. Well tough.

He kept saying things like "Aww I was really worried about him today".

Bollocks.

[MollyTwo]

Erm yea I can really see the tv remote control working lol.
Yanbu he sounds very rude and why bother asking questions later when he could have listened the first time.

[LiveLifeWithPassion]

Every time he does it, point it out to him and tell him it's irritating that he can't converse like a normal adult.

[FionaThePrincess]

Every time he does it, point it out to him and tell him it's irritating that he can't converse like a normal adult.

Thanks this is a good idea. I have recently starting responding to him by saying things like, 'Let me know when you get past adolescence and then we'll talk like grown ups'.

But yours is a more adult and to-the-point response than my sarcasm

[Becles]

Do you tend to take a long time to get to the point OP?

[PenelopePitstops]

Tbh it sounds like something he could hear about when he gets home.

[TheNaze73]

YABU, he didn't have the dog & was at work.

[FionaThePrincess]

Do you tend to take a long time to get to the point OP?

No! I could understand his impatience if that were the case, but I'm very succinct and to the point. He's just an impatient snappy git in general.

[FionaThePrincess]

Tbh it sounds like something he could hear about when he gets home.

Maybe. But he's exactly the same when he's at home as well in other situations.

[Lostin3dspace]

My boss used to do this. To everyone junior to him. He would ask you something, then cut you off mid explanation. After a while I developed the 'soap opera' technique. He would ask something, I would get give half an answer, and end with a cliff hanger, so he was forced to say..'and what about that other thing...
Passed the technique round to other suitably irritated colleagues, it drove him mad.

[FionaThePrincess]

Here's an example of when he wasn't at work and we were both at home at a weekend:

Me: (nice and polite) What time shall we take the dog for a walk?
Him: (snappy irritable tone) Why?
Me: (still nice and polite) I want to know whether it's worth starting the dinner or-
Him: (interrupts, still snappy) I don't know. Stop putting pressure on me.

[ElspethFlashman]

And you answer "In other words, fuck off".

Cos that's what he's saying every time. He's saying fuck off. You might want to remind him of that.

[livinginabox]

Sounds like he does like you very much.

[livinginabox]

*
Doesn't

[Witchend]

The later one he's snappy, the first I wouldn't phone dh about something like that when he's at working. Taking dc to hospital, yes, shall I take the to the doctor. No. Nor would I expect him to phone me in the same position. The person there can make a much better decision. He was quite right. If you're worried take the dog to the vet. No point him making a decision for you when he's not there.

[coffeetasteslikeshit]

What's he like otherwise? He's acting like a dick but it's hard to tell if he is a dick.

[AuntieStella]

Even supposing that OP did take forever to get to the point, he could actually raise that as an issue. But I'm ready to bet that he won't, because although this is manifesting as a communication issue, it's actually a control issue.

Now, I train my DC about good and bad ways of interacting with people, but I wouldn't want to train my DH. But, if you are happy with him in other ways, that might be what you need to do.

Is he always like this, or are there predictable variations? (workday v weekend v holiday, to you v to everyone?)

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

Have you said "can you tell me why you are so snappy and irritable all the time?"

[ChicRock]

Do you often feel that you need to consult him about the minutiae of day to day life? The two examples you've given aren't great - why not just get on with things without asking him?

He does seem as if he's very irritable/you irritate him.

[MLGs]

My stbxh is alot like this.

Or if I say that I need to speak he kind of stares at me while I do so it's difficult to express what I'm saying.

Very much identify with the "having to be really skilled" at saying things in a way he will find palatable.

And he's very keen to control a conversation and will snap or walk off or end the conversation if I say something he doesn't like.

Hence stbxh.