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To not want to pay for a party for DS cos ex is inviting their partner and family?

(56 Posts)
c3pu Tue 12-Jul-16 12:32:48

My ex and I spoke about organising a party for DS at a local soft play, and going halves on the cost. Sounded fine, so I agreed in principle, but nothing more was mentioned about it for months.

Fast forward to this morning, and my ex gets in touch about booking it up. Only now it transpires that not only is it a kids party, but my ex is inviting lots of family and partner.

I said that's not the sort of event I want to pay into, as my family won't want to attend as my ex has been rude to them in the past, and my ex doesn't want my partner there either (which isn't so unreasonable as we've not been together long).

Am I being unreasonable to not want to shell out for a party where I'm going to be marginalised?

TheRealPosieParker Tue 12-Jul-16 12:34:00

This is your child's party, your ex is more than welcome to have a family party at their house on another day. But this is a soft play party for kids.

waffilyversati1e Tue 12-Jul-16 12:35:11

would having their paternal family there make it a more enjoyable party for your child?

If your ex was paying half then surely he would still have been attending the party (for his child?) so if its him that your family have issue with they need to just suck it up for the day really?

c3pu Tue 12-Jul-16 12:35:37

I suggested my ex could have a family gathering afterwards or something, but that idea got shot down.

waffilyversati1e Tue 12-Jul-16 12:36:04

I don't understand why from your wording, your family could attend the party but not his?

ImperialBlether Tue 12-Jul-16 12:37:33

So you have to pay half when you can't even invite your own boyfriend, and he's paying half and inviting a load of friends, family and his girlfriend? I don't think so!

Snowflakes1122 Tue 12-Jul-16 12:38:04

Sounds like the set up could be socially awkward for both sides of you don't get on.

Is it anything you can put aside so your daughter can have all family around or not? The main concern here is obviously your daughter having a good day.

I wouldn't say it's unreasonable of you to object to his family coming and his partner, if it's just his family there. Seems unfair.

Fourormore Tue 12-Jul-16 12:39:00

Not worth arguing about. It's a couple of hours, it's his dad and his dad's family. If your family don't want to attend, that's their problem. Be adults, put your differences aside for the sake of your child.

Fourormore Tue 12-Jul-16 12:39:50

It's up to you if you take your partner along but if you haven't been with him long then presumably your son hasn't met him yet?

c3pu Tue 12-Jul-16 12:40:09

Not at all, I had no plans of inviting my family to the soft play party, I was intending to have a separate sort of get together on a different date, as I thought that would be the most appropriate way of dealing with it.

I'm a man btw, my ex is their mother (not that it's relevant to the argument but it wasn't clear in the OP and I see people are assuming the wrong genders here lol)

ChocolateButton15 Tue 12-Jul-16 12:40:10

I would keep to separate parties. Soft play isn't the best venue to host lots of adults either!

Arfarfanarf Tue 12-Jul-16 12:40:22

What would your child want?
It's their birthday. Could the adults not try to put aside their issues and all be there to celebrate the child's birthday?

WorraLiberty Tue 12-Jul-16 12:42:10

Lots of talk about the adults here and what they do and don't want.

Anyone considering the child's wishes?

waffilyversati1e Tue 12-Jul-16 12:42:28

the genders don't really make a difference. If you are both paying then you both get a say in the guest list. If not then you don't.

Do what your child would want

followTheyellowbrickRoad Tue 12-Jul-16 12:43:51

I would pay half for the children invited and she can say any extra costs for her family

c3pu Tue 12-Jul-16 12:46:58

I'd love to beleive it would be the case that all the adults could put it all aside, but past experience tells me that it just isn't going to happen.

My ex knows this too, she knows full well my family won't come if she's there, so she's effectively giving herself a monopoly on who attends.

So in the best interests of the child if she's going to invite her family and boyfriend, and im going to be there sat in a corner like a spare part, I don't think it's going to be a good atmosphere for the little one and on that basis I think it's best I don't attend.

It's worth noting that our eldest had a party this year, that I was NOT invited to. It's just that this one has a cost attached and she wants me to pay for half of it. Her family and partner are not making a contribution...

Snowflakes1122 Tue 12-Jul-16 12:48:17

Thinking long term, what will you do at her graduation? Her wedding day? Engagement party etc etc

At some point your going to have to deal with having them around.

Pootles2010 Tue 12-Jul-16 12:48:32

Christ what adult without kids wants to go to a soft play? But yes agree with follow - pay halves for your kids friends that are coming, then she can pay for her family.

c3pu Tue 12-Jul-16 12:52:55

You only pay for the kids, grownups are free lol

Ineedmorelemonpledge Tue 12-Jul-16 12:57:32

Does your child maintenance cover the cost of holding birthday parties?

That's supposed to be factored into mine for cost of living.

I guess I would just do whatever makes your DC happy. It'll be important for you to be there, could you take your mum and dad just to make your DC happy and give you someone to speak to? Don't tell her, just turn up with them! It's not her business. They can just sit with you, it's not like you have to clear up or set anything out in these parties.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion Tue 12-Jul-16 12:58:43

You can't not go. It's your child's party. Things will only get worse if you put these things between you two, and your child will only remember who wasn't there.

Just say she'll have to pay for them. You can't avoid them forever.

NoncommittalToSparkleMotion Tue 12-Jul-16 12:59:26


If they're free what's the problem?

KittensandKnitting Tue 12-Jul-16 13:02:07

I don't think you are BU not wanting to pay into it, but if you don't will the party not go ahead? If that's the case then I think you may need to pay a proportion because you don't want it to be a case of being cancelled because you didn't IYSWIM?

However, I think it very much sounds like she wants you to pay a large contribution towards a party that she wants to throw your DC and doesnt actually want you there hence the announcement so late in the day of her family members being there, because she knows that you won't want to attend.

Sara107 Tue 12-Jul-16 13:03:16

Why would all the adult family members even want to come along to a soft play party? You can't chat because it's too loud, the food is vile, the seating usually not very comfy. If ex wants a do with his family and partner he can organise that himself somewhere appropriate, and leave the soft play for the child and his friends. Refuse to pay, and if needs be organise your own do where you pay it all and only DS friends are invited.

gamerchick Tue 12-Jul-16 13:04:04

Can you all not put your shit to one side and focus on what the party is actually for?

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