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to feel so guilty for talking to my ex? when i am married and my dh hates him

(31 Posts)
fakeplantsneverdie Tue 12-Jul-16 10:29:01

brief back story : this ex was the one that got away, we had been friends for years ended up having a fling just before i got with DH ....i liked him a lot but i was a single mum of one and he couldn't commit and it bothered him that i had a child i think. (we were quite young) ....but i always hold a bit of a torch for him because he was the first bloke that i dated after being in a very long and bad relationship and i think he made me realise my potential in a way. as our fling was fizzling out i met dh and my feelings for dh way eclipsed this guy and we got serious quickly and went on to get married and have more dc

dh dislikes him as when i got with dh i was still friends with ex, but he still kept trying it on with me and basically trying to cause trouble between us. and in the end i realised i had to cut contact with ex to make it work with dh

ex moved away a few years ago but is still good friends with my brother and they see eachother quite a bit

well dh was out the other night and ex messaged me and we spent hours chatting. not about anything dodgy it was literally like old mates just catching up

but i feel hideously guilty because if DH knew he would be gutted

i feel like i have cheated

WhyShouldYou Tue 12-Jul-16 10:35:59

Then in a way, you have. Cut contact. Don't do it again.

londonrach Tue 12-Jul-16 10:37:51

Cut contact!

Scarydinosaurs Tue 12-Jul-16 10:39:02

Trust your instincts and cut contact.

ElspethFlashman Tue 12-Jul-16 10:40:28

Hours chatting? With a bloke who basically kept trying to break you up with your now DH?

Really really bad form tbh.

And you may be sure the ex will now message you again for another almighty "catch up" session.

Please stop stroking his ego. Or is he stroking yours???

NoCapes Tue 12-Jul-16 10:42:15

I thought you were going to say you bumped into him and had a brief chat
But you spent hours messaging him while your DH was away?!
Wow OP just wow

HopeArden Tue 12-Jul-16 10:43:06

Agree you need to cut contact. Your ex had his chance and to be brutal about it, he didn't want you or your child enough to commit to you. Your dh did. You owe your h your loyalty, not some bloke from your past.
Hours chatting to an ex behind your dh's back is crossing a line imo. Not saying you should ignore him if you bump onto him at your brother's house but contact should be polite and brief. If my dh did this to me I would feel that he still held a torch for the ex and had no loyalty to me.

fakeplantsneverdie Tue 12-Jul-16 10:46:09

i totally agree with you all

I feel horrible

dingdongdigeridoo Tue 12-Jul-16 10:46:14

The fact that you think he's 'the one that got away' is a huge red flag. I think it's OK to be friends with an ex, but this is dangerous territory. Plus the guy sounds like an absolute shit stirrer. I'd avoid.

fakeplantsneverdie Tue 12-Jul-16 10:56:29

I know dingdong stupid really as basically he wasn't the one that got away he was just my first decent shag after a long shitty relationship

I think it was just because I had been in such a shit relationship for years with dc1s dad, and to finally have a bit of fun and feel desired was intoxicating, but it was never going anywhere

if dh did this I would be devastated!! there was a woman he liked a lot just before he met me, not sure exactly what happened as its not my business but I get the impression it was a similar situation (except she wasn't trying to get off with him once he was with me!!) ...and I would be seriously pissed off if he had been secretly talking to her

I love dh so much I think I just miss the excitement :,(

I feel sick I am a fucking idiot

Snowflakes1122 Tue 12-Jul-16 11:02:16

I think in a situation like this, it's helpful to read over what you wrote in this post. Imagine it's your DH writing this about "the one that got away"
How would it feel if the boot was on the other foot?

Let this be a wake up call to realise what you could lose.

Goingtobeawesome Tue 12-Jul-16 11:04:08

Make the excitement with your DH.

It's awful when you're having feelings for an ex but the only way to get through it is cold turkey.

trafalgargal Tue 12-Jul-16 11:05:10

So delete the messages and block him so it can't happen again.

As for telling your OH - odds are he'd be really upset - and you'd only be doing it to make yourself less guilty but at the expense of hurting him. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and feeling bad because you did something you know he'd regard as disloyal is something you're just going to have to grit your teeth and put up with. If you don't block this bloke though you're not really regretful.

2016Hopeful Tue 12-Jul-16 11:12:10

Cut contact. I don't know why you are calling him the one that got away when you said that your feelings for your husband eclipsed your feelings for him. He didn't want you then because you had a child so he definitely won't want you now you have even more children! Why are you feeding his ego by messaging him and at the same time putting your marriage at risk?

Splandy Tue 12-Jul-16 11:13:21

This is an ego boost for you. You feel guilty because you know you did something wrong. You are trying to justify it with 'old friends catching up'. If there was nothing wrong, you wouldn't need to justify it to yourself/strangers on the Internet. There is no one who got away. There's a bloke who didn't want to take on your child and then tried to cause problems when you developed a relationship with someone who did. I always think that a good rule of thumb is 'If I wouldn't behave like this in front of my partner, it's not OK'.

HopeArden Tue 12-Jul-16 11:21:23

For his bloke you are a potential booty call. If ge was genuinely your friend he would not jeopardise your marriage by stirring things up - he would be polite but kerping his distance. That would show friendship because he eould be putting your best interests above his desire for a casual shag. On the bright side you have a chance to recognise this for what it is before it gets out of hand and you can delete the messages, block him and concentrate on your marriage.
When you delete the messages, mae sure they are not accidentally archived or backed up elsewhere - these are not thibgs you want your dh stumbling across in the future.

RepentAtLeisure Tue 12-Jul-16 11:28:26

It's not the end of the world. You had a chat, you didn't invite him over and shag him on the living room rug.

Now, if you had posted a thread saying that your DH had chatted to an ex, you read the messages, and it was just friendly, but that you felt gutted, people would probably tell you that your DH can talk to whoever he likes and that you should get to grips with your jealousy before he leaves you. It's all in the wording sometimes!

It was a one off, you caught up. Delete the messages and move on. And don't feel you have to tell your DH. You didn't do anything awful, don't be made to feel that you did.

fakeplantsneverdie Tue 12-Jul-16 12:31:45

Thanks for the dose of reality wise mners flowers

I'm going to delete the convo (was on Fb) and block him

poaspcos Tue 12-Jul-16 12:32:46

Cut contact - I did this, ended up being an EA (on my part only) and a lot of humiliation in a bad patch with DH and I

Not recommended

fakeplantsneverdie Tue 12-Jul-16 12:50:08

Oh god really peas I hope you've sorted things now ? X

Arfarfanarf Tue 12-Jul-16 12:57:15

Good plan. Blocking him is best. It would be horribly disloyal to your husband to seek out a bit of excitement with this man. You are making the sensible choice.

poaspcos Tue 12-Jul-16 13:00:27

Yes all sorted and contact cut however I wouldn't have been as fast to forgive the other way round as DH was

dingdongdigeridoo Tue 12-Jul-16 13:01:02

Well done. You are doing the right thing.

Telling your DH is just going to turn this into a huge issue, and will be more to ease your own burden. You've blocked the ex now, and it's time to move on with your life. Try not too feel too bad. You didn't really do anything wrong. It was just a silly mistake.

AyeAmarok Tue 12-Jul-16 13:05:43

Delete and block. This is not appropriate. You're just after an ego massage and you clearly don't have good enough boundaries that if he suggested a coffee one day as he's in the locality that you'd be able to politely decline. You'd go, justifying it as old friends catching up, and before you know it he'd be baws deep!

If you're doing something that you can't share with your DH, then you shouldn't be doing it.

Block and delete! And have more respect for yourself, your DH and your marriage in future.

AnyFucker Tue 12-Jul-16 13:13:26

Think of this as your wake up call

Make no more contact with this ex

Ignore any further messages

You have been really stupid but depending on the content of your "hours of talking" you may be able to put it behind you

What was the content of the talking and would you be happy for your husband to see it ?

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