Daughter / daughter's friend / holiday(200 Posts)
Not sure if I AIBU here. I have changed my username as this is potentially outing.
Dd aged 18, months ago arranged to go on holiday to Italy with a school friend. I booked the flights back in Feb I think and the school friend transferred the money to me within a day or 2. Fast forward to last week - finally the girls agree on a hotel (link sent by school friend, let's call her L) to dd and I booked. It cost £400 each. At the same time I booked a £35 train ticket on L's behalf to a festival at the weekend the girls were both going to. I booked the hotel on Monday, and the train ticket on Wednesday.
L had all my bank details. I assumed (yes, yes I know) that I would get the money for the hotel back from L or her mum more or less straight away. This was the deal though done through dd and L. With retrospect this was a mistake. Yesterday, I texted L's mum whom I hardly know asking if she had all the details to make the bank transfer. I was incredibly polite though quite worried as it had been 6 days and nothing in my account. I got several texts back asking for hotel / train receipts. Her dd has them but she and her dd are not on great speaking terms at the moment. I forwarded all these.
I then get several texts saying, well I have only had hotel costs for a week (I know, it's only been booked a week) and I have "to work for my money". I remain polite. She then texts me saying, oh L says you can get the money back for the train tickets as there was a huge delay. I text back, saying I said I would try and get the money back, but I didn't know how much of a refund I would get and has L got her train ticket as I asked her via dd to hold onto it. I'd looked at the online terms and conditions of the ticket online when there was a delay and in order to make a claim for the ticket we do need to scan a copy of it. L has of course not kept the ticket. This all seems by the by to me - I've paid out for the ticket and if I can claim anything back of course I will pass the money / voucher onto L.
So this morning I can see the hotel money has gone into my account. Which is great. But not the train ticket money. It's £35. More than that, it's the principle. I've texted L's mum back saying thanks for the hotel money - what have we decided then about the train ticket money I have paid? I am awaiting a response.
I don't want to make a huge fuss. My dd got told by L yesterday that she and I should "stop hassling her family for money". I have honestly been very polite. I am worried dd and L won't have a good holiday with this hanging over them. But I want the £35 train fare back! It's the principle! What should I do next do you think? Holiday on Thursday.
I know I should have contacted the mum earlier but has assumed that her 18 year old dd was checking with her and keeping her up to date about the holiday costs, and that everything was okay. My guess is this wasn't the case.
Should I just write the £35 off? Dd said that when she and friend were at festival this weekend friend was odd about money - asking for tap water at the pub but then drinking half of my dd's cider and when dd suggests she buys the next drink, saying, I barely sipped your's, I'm not buying you a drink.
ARGH! What should I do?
Sadly, whilst the principle is quite right and I would be p'd off, write it off this time and don't do any favours (especially monetary) for that friend/family again. if you pursue it, it will no doubt impact on your dd holiday. Its a life lesson - always organise with the parent and not the child (especially if you know they aren't on speaking terms).
In terms of friend just drinking tap water, well I had friends like this and eventually refused to buy them drinks or share with them. I worked hard for my money (part time job from 15/16) so why should I subsidise them? Its a tough one for your daughter, I would suggest that she doesn't offer to buy drinks, split bills with what each has eaten/drunk (I hate this, but in this situation its the only way), and when going to the bar only by for herself and not do rounds. It may be worth her having a conversation with her friend about money before they go away to prevent tension on holiday?
Your DD is 18. Assuming the friend is the same age - or thereabouts - she is an adult. Your deal was with L not L's mum and you shouldn't have contacted the mum at all.
Personally I'd drop the £35 until after the holiday. I don't think this hanging over them is going to ruin the holiday but you pushing for your money now on principle might.
I think L has probably over-stretched herself and may well struggle to afford spending money on the holiday as it is. If you push for the train money now that's only going to make things worse and your DD will bear the brunt.
I'd also advise your DD to agree with L up front how they are splitting costs on holiday!
I think for the sake of £35 you should let it go, and agree that you sit down with your DD and explain this to her as a life lesson. There will always be people in life who don't want to pay their fair share or want something for nothing.
Thanks, Mouikey, I think you are right. I had made the assumption that an 18 year old would be able to communicate effectively with her mum but have just been told they have hardly spoken since APRIL due to L having a tattoo done.
I am also emailing L's mum re a shuttle bus collecting them at the airport as they are due in around 10 pm and their hotel is over an hour away. It will be interesting to see how she responds to that - if she says yes book it, I don't know whether to just book for dd or say, can you book for both girls and that will sort out the train fare you owe? Shuttle bus is actually £20 but I would be happy writing off £15.
I'd leave it till after the holiday and as and when you know about a poss refund, ask her to make up the difference when you have a final figure. And don't get into any situations where you subsidise them on hols, or share restaurant bills etc. If this means doing your own thing all the time so be it. Make sure you have lots of small change so you can only have enough to pay for yourself if you do do things together.
Sorry ignore that just read op post properly... I'd ask you DD to sort it all out! It's her friend and they are adults. No need to involve friends mum at all IMO. She's probably annoyed to be dragged into it.
And get the girls to hook their own transport!!!!!
Deathstare, I sort of agree with your point. But L's mum has been texting dd asking for details (which dd gave and had already given L) so I thought the best thing to do in order to take some control was deal with L's mum directly especially as it was clear she was paying me for the hotel.
Everyone has said talk to dd about money on holiday - done this! Dd was shocked at the way her friend was at the festival and we spoke about ways of avoiding this on holiday which included no round buying, splitting bills for meals ruthlessly, etc.
I'm worried about the holiday now. It's the first time dd has gone to Europe on her own.
Stop emailing the girls Mum! They are 18 and old enough to sort things out themselves.
I am also emailing L's mum re a shuttle bus
Stop emailing this adult's mother! Let your DD and L sort out their own arrangements. If they aren't capable of doing that for themselves then they aren't mature enough to go on holiday
Just to confirm, L's mum texted my dd in the first place re all this - she wasn't dragged into the conversation at all. Seems like she wasn't getting the info she needed from her own dd and so asked my dd for receipts, info about the hotel that her dd had suggested and my bank details etc
I will leave the £35. And book the shuttle just for dd and let L's mum know this. An expensive lesson learnt!
She's 18! Why the hell are you sorting out her travel arrangements?! Shuttle bus?! Back off woman!
Don't book anything else for the friend you may not get the money back. Book your dd on the shuttle bus let friend book for herself.
I think this holiday is likley to be a bit of a disaster but definitely a learning experience for your dd. She may meet other people to hang out with there.
NB when I was 18 I organised my own Holidays my mum didn't do it!
At 18, quite frankly, I was doing my own arrangements and paying my own stuff.
Let your adult child and her friend sort it all out, including any payments to hotels, trains, whatever.
If they are old enough to go to Italy on their own, they can deal with everything else.
I'm backing off!
But am happy to organise the shuttle bus for my dd! Yes I too did my own bookings at her age.
Why are you booking for your dd then? Why can't she book herself?
Because she hasn't yet got the money in her account, mouldycheesefan! id do the same for any family member whatever their age.
At 17 I booked a trip for my 18th birthday to France. I managed to book flights and a shuttle bus into Paris and found the hotel successful without my mothers help. I think your too involved. You need to stop paying on behalf of your DD and her friend. They are both adults. At that age I started university in town away from home not knowing a sole. I survived.
I went to Europe at 18. My mum knew about it because I sent her postcards from each location we visited. She didn't book trains, buses or cars for us, 3 young women got together and made our own arrangements.
Please just hand this back to your DD and tell her she has to sort, and fund, this herself and to start talking to L because she has agreed to go on holiday with her whatever the disagreement over the tattoo.
I'm just shocked she asked for receipts? Really? She sounds a mare OP/ Lesson learned about not doing this sort of thing I guess!
Hope they manage to have a nice time
I would write off the £35 - if the holiday had been another £35 you probably wouldn't have batted an eyelid at it, so just chalk it up to an 'expense' of the holiday.
At 18 though I'm not sure why your DD doesn't have her own debit card so she can make these sorts of bookings herself?
You're babying adults, OP! The thing that is shocking me about all this isn't the quibbling about the £35 pounds, it's how much both you and the friend's mother are shelling out so that their 18 year olds can go to festivals and on holiday, and the micromanaging of their travel arrangements. If your DD has, for whatever reason, no money in her bank account, then she can't go on holiday, surely...?
Oh and I love all the "when I was 11 I was travelling the world solo" or "I was working 8 jobs and running my own home by 16" type comments, like we are supposed to just stop doing anything at all for our DC on their 18th birthday. Only on MN.
OP you do as much or as little for your own DC as you both feel comfortable with. Ignore the "you're a mollycoddling idiot" type comments
Blimey, just cos you turn 18 doesn't suddenly make you an 'adult' overnight capable of doing everything by yourself!
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