Am I the only one who finds juggling work/housework/kids/thinking for everyone a total fucking struggle all the time??

(99 Posts)
BlueberryFanta Tue 12-Jul-16 09:08:12

Am I? Please tell me I'm not.

DH thinks he does his bit but he truly doesn't; he'll unload the dishwasher a couple of times a week and maybe put our youngest child to bed twice a week too. Occasionally he'll run the hoover round and act like he deserves a medal...

All of the thinking is left to me and I think that's the hardest part. Having to think all the time about whether we have enough milk or packed lunch stuff, do the kids need anything to take to school tomorrow, getting their uniforms sorted.

Plus there are jobs that DH just doesn't seem to want to realise exist, such as putting laundry away, changing bedding, cleaning the bathroom etc.

I have tried striking, talking calmly, begging, crying, doing rotas, you name it I've tried it but he won't do more.

Oh and in addition to working school hours 5 days per week and running a part time business from home, I also take care of my disabled mum who lives alone so need to take her out/see her most days too as she is very lonely.

Am I the only person finding this whole thing a struggle?

mouldycheesefan Tue 12-Jul-16 09:10:33

We share it all equally. Your dh sounds hopeless. 💐

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve Tue 12-Jul-16 09:17:46

Stop doing things for your dh. Just sort you and the dc. Let your housekeeping standard slide a bit as you have so much to do, its near impossible to have a squeaky clean house too. I leave all of dh's crap on his side of the bed, mail, dirty laundry etc Our relationship is much better now, we are self sufficient and I don't have the seething resentment I once did.

Hadalifeonce Tue 12-Jul-16 09:19:13

DH called a family meeting once, to encourage DCs to help more around the house. We each had to list what we contributed. I think he was genuinely shocked a the length of my list; he completely forgot the non-active parts of running a household, remembering birthdays, buying cards, deciding what meals to cook, working out the practicalities of getting DCs to 2 different venues at the same time!.............. the list in endless.

Artistic Tue 12-Jul-16 09:20:18

Blueberry - I feel the exact same way! I think working part time plus being the main home runner is more stressful than it looks. I always tell DH that loading the odd dishwasher or wash or taking kids to the odd class or activity doesn't begin to even touch amount of responsibility on me. It's hard 'running the show' for everyone - mainly the thinking, planning, tracking & scheduling of everything on top of actually buying, stacking, sorting, cleaning, cooking, feeding, raising kids, holding down a job & trying to keep your marriage in a good place. Life is bloody exhausting. To save my sanity, I have a weekly cleaner & occasional kitchen help.

Recently DH was away for a week & I have to admit I found it no harder than normal, if anything I found it easier to cook simple meals that work for the kids & eat the same myself.

Miffyandme Tue 12-Jul-16 09:21:28

Whilst my DH is much more hands on and helpful than your's I realised recently how much of the "thinking" stuff I did in the house when I went back to work. I just said to him though that that had to change and that is not a problem. We're just trying to work out the best way to make lists and make sure we're not nagging each other / duplicating things!

VanillaSugar Tue 12-Jul-16 09:23:18

Easier said than done..... I have clear demarcation rather than shared jobs. Technology (sky etc), outdoor space, cars, holidays, bills, purchase of train tickets (I do know how to do this but it's so boring) is DH's job. I won't get involved, however, I can trust him to do these jobs.

Think of the jobs you find very boring or have no desire to do, and also the jobs that you're not too fussed about, and tell DH that these are his responsibility.

branofthemist Tue 12-Jul-16 09:23:32

We share work equally.

Dh does certain jobs, I do certain jobs and everything else is a case of who is free or who sees it.

Last night I hoovered while dh bathed ds. A few nights ago he did the same, while I bathed ds.

Dd has jobs she does, she is 12. Hoovering is her main one.

Ds 5 even has jobs. He likes cleaning the skirting boards.

He also helps put the washing on and make his and our bed on a morning.

If your dh doesn't think he needs to pull his weight. That needs sorting. He needs to understand that this could be something that festers and causes resentment.

He knows how much you do, he chooses to ignore it.

Anonimum32 Tue 12-Jul-16 10:22:38

I feel your pain. I work full time DH works shifts, days and nights. He thinks that because he takes DCs to school on the days he's on nights he does all kinds. If he occasionally does something he only half does it eg. If he cooks dinner he won't clear up, if he irons he doesn't put the clothes away or only does half the basket - why? It drives me nuts. It causes no end of arguements but we never get anywhere. He's much worse than some of my friends OHs but does more than some others. I make him pay for a cleaner to come once a fortnight do that relieves some of the pressure. I've come to the conclusion that men are strange creatures and things that need to be done don't register with them on the same level at all. Its just easier for me to do it myself as I can't always be bothered with the battle, not ideal but unfortunately it's just the way it is. Thats probably not very helpful but if you find a way to get him to do more let me know x

nutbrownhare15 Tue 12-Jul-16 10:50:31

Get him to read the blog my wife left me because i left my mug by the sink

hastheworldgonemad Tue 12-Jul-16 11:00:01

I think you are in the majority of women op. It's not do much the job allocation it's the seeing they need doing and knowing what needs doing. Dirty dishes are obvious but knowing bed linen needs changing isn't.

I was run ragged with my 4 kids, not much better when older either as more mess and bigger appetites. hmm

My parents also need help as dad has dementure.

I gave up work and frankly it's a lot easier.

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair Tue 12-Jul-16 11:09:30

Working from home or part-time is a nightmare as it gives the excuse that you are always around and available to do what needs doing. Forget that you have to squash all your paid work into the time that DCs are at school so you can be available for them. Or that just 'popping' out to pick up shopping/birthday card can easily take an hour by the time you've herded them up, driven, unherded, bought, reherded, blah blah blah.

My DH is OK-ish but constantly leaves clothes lying around and gets into panics that he doesn't have any clean trousers. His side of the bedroom is a pigsty. The only reason I don't complain is that we're waiting to redecorate it. When it's done there will be a change in regime I can tell you. I understand just leaving his junk lying around but it's difficult as you then have to live with the mess yourself.

Even worse though is when they try to help. Yesterday I left out one of those charity bags as I had some clothes to put out. Of course that was the ONLY thing he cleared up, not any of the kids' mess or the dishes, just that one thing I wanted and had to subsequently pull out of the bin.

You're not alone OP. I wish I knew the answer.

KathyBeale Tue 12-Jul-16 11:23:39

Yes, yes, yes. I have said many times it's the 'thinking' that I find exhausting. I don't enjoy cleaning but a quick wipe round the bathroom, or sticking a load of laundry in, isn't hard. It's the constant remembering who's where when and doing what when, and organising childcare, and parties, and birthdays... I've just this minute ordered presents for my brother - fair enough - for two of my son's friends for a party this weekend, and our niece (on my husband's side). I would be very surprised if my husband knows which niece has a birthday next week or how old she is.

My husband is a great cook. Really good. He always does an amazing spread at Christmas for lots of our family. It's brilliant. But the thing that always gets my goat is everyone tells me for weeks before and weeks afterwards how "lucky" I am that he cooks Christmas dinner. I am willing to bet no one has ever told him how lucky he is to have a wife who buys, wraps, and posts every single Christmas present, who plans, cooks and shops for every other meal over Christmas, who cleans, tidies and does the laundry, who makes sure there's bedding and whatnot for those people staying, who writes all the Christmas cards, etc, etc.

It's different expectations, isn't it?

blueshoes Tue 12-Jul-16 11:27:38

OP, I am with you. I find that the head space it takes to organise and run a busy household with children and 2 working adults is greatly underestimated and is probably what holds women back at work.

Simply dealing with the notes from dcs' school and activities, managing an aupair and maintaining the 'global' calendar of my, dh, children and aupair's activities and ensuring everyone who needs to know what needs to happen and when is relentless and exhausting.

ParadiseCity Tue 12-Jul-16 11:29:45

Yes. My DH is great at practical stuff, but the whole family, and all my colleagues, rely on me for all thinking. (Fuck off daily mail) I've spent months explaining this is unfair and unstainable. Well guess what, I'm not doing it any more!

(By the way the daily mail can fuck off if they want to screenshot) GP has signed me off sick. I am looking after myself from now on and the rest of them can learn the hard way.

Miffyandme Tue 12-Jul-16 13:49:45

Are we thinking this is another Daily Fail thread? I feel that I want to stop replying and engaging in threads now.

oldlaundbooth Tue 12-Jul-16 13:56:21

It's a struggle, I am the same. Work full time, DS is 2.5.

DH does his fair share, but there's always those little jobs that he doesn't seem to notice - replacing kitchen towels, tissues, toilet roll, filling up the oil bottle, filling up the baby wipe box etc ad infintium!

I can't sit and watch TV with a laundry basket of laundry that needs folding: DH can. I have to tell him to do it.

' I am looking after myself from now on and the rest of them can learn the hard way.'

I have to agree with this. I'm not knocking myself out to have an immaculate house if no-one else does. The house is clean enough, we are fed, so that'll do!!

Running a household is without a doubt a full time job, no questions asked.

ParadiseCity Tue 12-Jul-16 14:02:08

Miffy - no I didn't mean to suggest that - just that this is the sort of thread they like to screen shot and 'write' a story out of. Having put my foot down with colleagues I'm buggered if I'm doing some daily mail journo's work for them grin

SisyphusDad Tue 12-Jul-16 14:02:08

I liked to think that i contributed 'fairly' to the home-and-children side of life. Then my SAHM wife became seriously ill and died several months later. Boy had I been wrong. It was a massive shock and baptism of fire - with no warning, "we need you in hospital today...". That was five years ago and I still find it hard and exhausting.

And, OP, you've hit the nail on the head with the 'thinking for everyone'. It's soul destroying. If I can build things into a routine that I can do automatically, that's OK. But having to deal with something new or unexpected, that's not so much fun.

PlanBwastaken Tue 12-Jul-16 14:02:27

There is a book called Wifework that is very good at explaining why women end up stuck with all the housework, thanking their husbands when they deign to contribute. Read it. Then get the rage, now that you have the words to explain the unfairness of it.

I couldn't live like that, the resentment would eat me alive.

OhahIlostmybra Tue 12-Jul-16 14:05:10

It's the thinking that grinds me down. Always thinking ahead etc. DH does do practical things that he can see need doing like emptying dishwasher, ironing etc. but proactive stuff like changing beds, homework, sorting school uniforms, meal planning etc all somehow falls to me.

It's easy to say 'just sort yourself' but I'm not going to let the children suffer. I'm happy to let him sort himself, which he pretty much does - it's the kids stuff that is wearing.

OhahIlostmybra Tue 12-Jul-16 14:08:59

And I put my mil straight when she dares to tell me how lucky I am when dh does the ironing. I do comment that isn't he so lucky to have someone who washes and sorts all the clothes, makes sure the dc have clothes that fit etc and isn't he lucky to have someone who cooks every meal?

Diddlydokey Tue 12-Jul-16 14:12:23

I expect that it comes from working school hours.

We both work FT so are equally split in the home life but if I was part time to such a huge degree the lion's share would fall to me and vice versa. You essentially have 10 hours of at home time more than he does (working out what it would be if I did school hours)

ParadiseCity Tue 12-Jul-16 14:18:54

YY about not letting children suffer. In my case children are old enough to do more than they currently do... And I work full time... So I have got to get this balance thing sorted out.

vickibee Tue 12-Jul-16 14:23:32

I only have one dc who is ASD and very hard work to manage behaviour. I work every day 930-3pm and do vast majority of everything else. I find it very difficult to do anything when DS is home as he is so demanding on my time so I get up at silly o'clock and do washing / ironing / cleaning early doors. My DH does very little and gets upset saying I am neglecting him but I am so bloody knackered.
It is the endless monotony of one day being the same as the next and so on.. It is definitley easier being at work

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