To be upset/angry at Mother in Law

(309 Posts)
BummyMummy77 Mon 11-Jul-16 23:31:01

Yesterday I'm pretty sure I had an ovarian cyst burst. I've had it confirmed by a doctor and am due to go in for a vaginal ultrasound tomorrow. DH can't take time off work as his job is very seasonal and he makes most of his money in a four week period in the Summer. Also, his boss is in a foul mood at the moment and is liable to let him go for taking time off. DS is two and a half and very lively. I can see taking him in to the appointment would go one of two ways- he's either be an utter fucking nightmare and they'd say they couldn't do it with him there or he'd be all scared about what's happening to Mama (he's not so keen on doctors/dentists etc.) And that's if they'll even let an unattended toddler in radiology, which I highly doubt.

We live five minutes away from the in laws. I've not once since he was born asked for their help with childcare. It's always been a bit of a thing that I've chosen to become a SAHM and his whole family always skirt around in a joking way that I sit around all day doing nothing (for what it's worth it isn't true, I grow all our own food and have chickens, husband works 12 hour days, add a toddler to that and I pretty much rush around like a madwoman) so we've avoided asking them for favours ever.

I've begged MIL to just watch him for an hour while I'm in the appointment. (She has the day off and will be ten minutes away from the hospital!) and she's point blank refusing saying it was my decision to not put him in daycare and she's just too busy to help.

There's no body else that can help, we live on an island and the hospital is aways away. I've asked friends that are nearer but it's last minute and they're all working or already busy.

So I'm faced with the choice of cancelling and resheduling for a month or so's time or taking him and hoping it doesn't all go Pete Tong.

I know I made a choice to not have childcare for him but this is kind of an emergency, am I being unreasonable to be really hurt and pretty pissed off?

Oh and for a bit of background, dh's sister, husband and 1 year old also live with the in laws and are fully financially supported by them and sister in law also doesn't work but has mil cook all their meals and at least two hour of childcare from her a day. I know this doesn't have anything to do with our situation per se but it's adding to my annoyance.

Whiteplate1 Mon 11-Jul-16 23:33:21

Sorry but she is entitled not to want to

MaisieDotes Mon 11-Jul-16 23:39:26

She might be entitled to do whatever but she's not very kind. There's obviously some resentment there about the fact you're a SAHM.

Has your DH spoken to his mother about this (needing childcare?) Why is it you "begging" her?

Hope she doesn't need a favour from you anytime soon, huh?

Mummymoanasaurus Mon 11-Jul-16 23:40:29

Why can't your sil look after your child then? Have you asked her? Hope you are ok

aprilanne Mon 11-Jul-16 23:40:38

yes she is entitled to say no but she is being a total cow if she is off work this is basically an emergency .

PinkyofPie Mon 11-Jul-16 23:42:26

I know in MN world no one is entitled to a babysitter ever but your MIL is cruel and being v unreasonable. Although I'll echo what a pp said - why is it you begging her not your DH?

I hope you're ok and can find a sitter flowers

Becles Mon 11-Jul-16 23:42:54

Book someone from sitters to meet you there and take ds to soft play or playground or library while you disappear for the hospital appt

Fairylea Mon 11-Jul-16 23:43:18

Yanbu. Of course she should look after him for a bit - it's a medical emergency and you are family! Not to mention your sil and her family lives with her! Very selfish in my opinion not to offer to help you out.

Paddingtonsmarmaladesandwiches Mon 11-Jul-16 23:44:10

Yes, she is entitled to say no but I think you're entitled to think she's being an inconsiderate, unhelpful, selfish, cold hearted horror for exercising that right. Go, at least try with the little one. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

Steppenwolfe Mon 11-Jul-16 23:44:37

Well I'm sure lots of people will pop along to defend her right to choose not to look after her grandchild at any time ... but for fuck sake where is her humanity? Kindness ? Empathy ? Her family support network excludes you ...I would be hurt , frustrated and pissed off . Sympathy Bummy flowersbrewcake

BummyMummy77 Mon 11-Jul-16 23:46:12

He has. He's told her he's liable to lose his job or at least our bargaining for a yearly salary and healthcare which he's shortly to do if he takes the time off and I've told her I really don't feel like I can reschedule for a month as I'm in quite a bit of pain and still bleeding a little.

There's definitely a little resentment there as she always talks about how she had it so hard growing up and I don't know how easy I have it (compared to her it's probably true, family of 6 kids in the back woods in Canada) but she was a SAHM and so is her daughter now so it's a little strange.

Trojanhorsebox Mon 11-Jul-16 23:46:31

She's entitled to say no. You're entitled to remember she said no to covering an emergency and to bear it in mind next time she wants a favour, looking after in her dotage etc.

If it's something she could easily do but is choosing not to in order to make a point, then she is being unhelpful and unpleasant and I would be having very little more to do with her personally, but I do have a tendency to bear grudges, you may be nicer than me!

Dutchcourage Mon 11-Jul-16 23:46:34

Your Dh has to take the day off. You are his sick wife.

Your mil has chosen a really fucking shit time to prove a point but ultimately you and Dh are responsible for him.

I took dd (3) to my 20 week scan last week and it was a nightmare. Can your Dh not even do half day ?

Dutchcourage Mon 11-Jul-16 23:47:35

Tbh unit Dh needs to find a better job, it sounds terrible! Has he even got a contract?

NellyMelly Mon 11-Jul-16 23:47:53

She should be stepping up to help without even being asked to. Could she sit in the waiting room with him? That would be the basic minimum to expect from family. If she can't be bothered then perhaps you could ask the hospital staff to see if anyone, who is a volunteer, could sit in the waiting area with him. I'm sure any mum would be happy to help out. I appreciate that he would be with someone you don't know. Could he sit in a pushchair next to you whilst you have your scan? Some distractions to keep him there. The doctors and nurses would be understanding on the lack of a babysitter as such short notice. I hope that you can have your scan and that you'll feel better soon.

CalmItKermitt Mon 11-Jul-16 23:47:59

Whiteplate - of course she's entitled not to want to do it. But all things considered it makes her sound like a bit of a nasty woman.

pinkyredrose Mon 11-Jul-16 23:50:07

She sounds mean! Why do Sil and family live with them, are they much younger? You'd think between all the people in the house one of them would be able to help a family member in an emergency, it's not asking much is it.

PinkyofPie Mon 11-Jul-16 23:51:33

Do you know what, fuck her. Nasty woman she sounds. Don't forget this any time soon.

Do you have an iPad your DS could sit with in your scan? Sorry probably not helpful but trying to think of a solution for you!

Lesley1980 Mon 11-Jul-16 23:51:41

I don think your being unreasonable feeling how you do but I've learned you just have to let people be how they are & get on with it. My MIL is similar to yours & wouldn't help for no reason other than she doesn't want to. I'd just take your son & give him something to watch or colour. If they manage with him great & if not make the other appointment.

hastheworldgonemad Mon 11-Jul-16 23:51:59

As a mil I think she's horrible op.

You are her family. As is sil. What a horror.

Could you book a sitter?

Canyouforgiveher Mon 11-Jul-16 23:52:09

Sorry but she is entitled not to want to

Sorry and other people are entitled to judge her as very very unkind. including the OP. Tell you what OP, I wouldn't ever do her a favour if she needed it (well I probably would but that wouldn't be because she deserved it - it would be because I don't always do what I am entitled to do). I would also tell everyone in the community about her lack of help (well maybe I wouldn't but I would want to)

And what is the "entitled" shit anyway. I am entitled to do or not do all sorts of things that if did/didn't do them would make me a horrible human being.

OP, take your son and hope for the best. If it is a small community, someone in the hospital might take pity and mind him for you.

And your dh should definitely have a word with his mother about how disappointed he is that she wouldn't help you accommodate his work so you could go to a critical medical appointment.

your mil is horrible. I would find that really hard to get over. would only tolerate her from now on and be as cool as she is.

BertrandRussell Mon 11-Jul-16 23:52:35

How horrible of her!

Could you ask your sister in law? No friends who could either have him or come with you to help?

pictish Mon 11-Jul-16 23:53:12

Yanbu - I can't imagine why she is being so unhelpful. What a strange stance for her to take.

aprilanne Mon 11-Jul-16 23:55:57

if my son phoned to say dil was ill and had to go to hospital .the first words from my mouth would be do you want me to take the girls .it would occur to ever decent person surely .op just remember this in her dotage

BummyMummy77 Mon 11-Jul-16 23:56:20

The pushchair idea could work!!! iPhone and bag of sweets and I could actually maybe pull that off!! flowers

We live in good old 'Merica where you basically get fuck all employment rights. Which is another thing that makes it harder, I have no family here at all.

Thinking about it, when I had a miscarriage back at the start of the year dh begged her to come and watch ds then while I rested a bit and he was working and she refused then too.

She better not need any bloody help from me anytime soon.

Sister in law says she can't help as she can't manage a one year old and ds. hmm

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