Advanced search

To message my ex's dying mother?

(7 Posts)
WorstCase Mon 11-Jul-16 22:20:51

AIBU for traffic really.
My 2 yr old son's father, now a good friend, rarely contacts his mother. She almost died when he was a teen, which led to a drug habit that he ended when DS was born. It also led to other psychological issues like being unable to throw anything away. His mother somehow didn't notice the drugs. She knows little about his life because neither of them communicate. They're on very loving terms when they do, but no info is shared. They're just silent types. She's now definitely going to die, so her husband said to me (and told me not to tell my ex). Ex suspects this but is hiding his head in the sand. He doesn't call or visit her and vice versa. I'm afraid that her dying will push him back into drugs, especially as his job and living situation aren't good right now. He's a lovely father and tries very hard with DS but he acts by spur of the moment emotion rather than common sense most of the time.
My question - do I contact his mother and ask her to initiate contact with him? I'm tempted to tell her about his problems and that I'm scared how he'll react if she does die. I know he'll hugely regret not spending time with her. I've pushed him to contact her to no avail. He's in denial.
It's terrible and I feel so sorry for her. I know I'm a very different person though, who wouldn't just sit on all these feelings in silence. Writing to her could be such a bad thing to do and I'm only considering it because he's my DS father and I do care about his wellbeing.

annielouise Mon 11-Jul-16 22:26:47

I think you need to gently tell him his mother is dying and that he needs to spend some time with her. It will give him time to do that rather than her death being a shock which is more likely to knock his stability. Her dying is part of life - unless she's very young - and that needs to be stressed to him - i.e. your parents die at some point. He needs to not have regrets about not saying anything he wants to say to her and it could be that all they do is talk about mundane things but take comfort from spending time together rather than big, emotional chats.

I personally don't think it fair for you to contact her and put the onus on her - perhaps unless your ex once he knows and gets over the initial shock doesn't get in touch. At least that might give her the chance to write him a letter for example to say he's her son and she loves him and perhaps if she regrets anything to apologise for something she might not have got right as a parent (which is probably most of us). Sad situation but it can be played out to both their best interests.

annielouise Mon 11-Jul-16 22:28:11

I don't think you should do nothing. He needs to have the chance to spend time with her before she dies and to know she is dying.

NavyandWhite Mon 11-Jul-16 22:31:11

I wouldn't contact a dying person and put so much pressure on them personally.

alltheworld Mon 11-Jul-16 22:39:23

From my personal experience. Please tell him.

Petal12 Mon 11-Jul-16 22:43:41

Tell him

WorstCase Mon 11-Jul-16 23:15:22

I have told him in the 'but what if she dies? you have to contact her and see her' sense, without saying she IS going to die. He knows that what she has is very very bad. He still hides in the sand.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now