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about being pissed off that dp making me feel bad about not wanting as much sex as him

(51 Posts)
ssh1 Mon 11-Jul-16 22:01:13

i will try amd keep this brief as am new to mumsnet and don't want to do a mega long post. My DP and i have 4 kids between us and have lived together for 3 years - dated for a year or so before that. As expected we had loads of sex at the beginning - we didn't see a massive amount of each other when dating as I was a busy working single mum with an active social life. I am used to my own space and am quite independent.

now we probably have sex on average twice a week, and i'm pretty happy with that, DP less so. No surprise there but it is really affected our relationship to the point we have started counselling. DP is a great bloke, great dad, hard-working, devoted family man - bit opinionated at times but then so am I. There are other issues - mainly just mundane family stuff/exes/stepkids, nothing too major really and i think we will work things out. The counsellor thinks DP is too needy of me -he doesn't have many friends as he is devoted to the family and works a lot, whereas I prefer a more of a balance - i have a lot of friends and get my stress relief through me-time, which DP is very supportive of.

The problem about our sex life has really got me down though - DP gets all huffy if he goes more than 3-4 nights without sex, going on about how I'm controlling the relationship by only having sex when i want it -ffs I'm fucking knackered some nights and i just want to relax and go to sleep. I also don't see why I should have sex if I don't want it, cos then he gets upset about that if he thinks I'm having sex when I'm not really in the mood - which I do sometimes just to shut him up. Not that he would ever have sex with me if i said I wasn't in the mood, its just sometimes he makes an issue of it.

Through the counselling DP has said that when we make love, it isn't just about sex but he is expressing his love for me, which is a nice thing to say i suppose, he says he want's to have sex most nights, which to me is just not going to happen, he says he realises this is too much but still goes on about it. Before me, DP had a spell of being single (no partners) then before that a long marriage (apparently he got even less sex with ex wife) and not very many other partners in his life whereas I have had many sexual partners - some unhealthy and abusive which is something i have had therapy to move on from. What else has pissed me off is DP saying my attitude to sex is clouded by my past experiences (abuse and co-ercion) whereas his is all about expressing love and that we are incompatible.

Its such a mess which is a shame cos we get on so well otherwise and have so much in common, emotionally, intellectually and socially. The last straw was the other night when he recounted exactly how many times we have had sex this year compared with last year as he has been recording it - ok he is a mathematician and records everything but ffs. I think he has a lot of problems from his own upbringing that Im hoping he will work on with the counsellor but I just wondered what other people thoutgh.

in short im asking how often do other couples have sex and how do you deal with it when one want's more than the other - do most blokes put up and shut up, or do they make an issue of it like my other half.
Thanks and sorry for the long post xxx

NeedACleverNN Mon 11-Jul-16 22:04:44

Crickey. Twice a week is bloody lucky with 4 kids.

My dh would envy yours. I haven't had sex since New Year's Eve. Just haven't been in the mood. Dh respects that and is waiting for me to initiate it.

If anyone sounds controlling here it's him. Tell him to go wank off in the bathroom if he is that bloody desperate

NeedACleverNN Mon 11-Jul-16 22:06:06

Also there are other ways of showing your love without having to get your willy wet. A nice romantic movie and a cuddle. He is guilt tripping you big time

Snowflakes1122 Mon 11-Jul-16 22:07:53

Wait-he makes notes of how many times you had sex last year vs this year? shock
Well that's going to kill the mood isn't it?
I think twice a week isn't exactly infrequent is it?

KittiesInsane Mon 11-Jul-16 22:10:07

Please please tell me he told the counsellor this:
he recounted exactly how many times we have had sex this year compared with last year as he has been recording it - ok he is a mathematician and records everything but ffs

...and how hard they had to try not to laugh when he said it?

Plus, wtf does he mean by getting indignant that you 'only have sex when you want it'? Of-bloody-course you should only have sex when you want it.

Champagneformyrealfriends Mon 11-Jul-16 22:10:12

We've done it twice in the 15 weeks since dd was born (c-section, so no tearing to deal with and I healed well and quickly). We have 1 child-you have 4. Twice a week is rampant as far as I'm concerned. He is being a dick.

SeemsLegit Mon 11-Jul-16 22:10:45

He's behaving like a dick really

Somerville Mon 11-Jul-16 22:12:14

It sounds like he he nags you about sex, which is hardly a turn on. In fact it's supremely unsexy.

The twice a week will go down to once a week and then to rarely if he keeps this up, surely?

Is the counsellor not addressing this?

ssh1 Mon 11-Jul-16 22:18:09

i know the bit about the recording on the spreadsheet is laughable - i'm fucking cringing that I've announced that on mumsnet. you are right he is being a total dick - really mad with myself that i have put up with this shit for the last couple of years. I'm not backward at coming forwards and do give him a piece of my mind about it but keep getting sucked in to his manipulative whinging...

YorkieDorkie Mon 11-Jul-16 22:19:42

So what your plan OP?

YorkieDorkie Mon 11-Jul-16 22:19:59


BeckyMcDonald Mon 11-Jul-16 22:20:23

Three kids here. Once a week. That's a LOT more than most of my friends.

He's being a massive bellend OP. I'd say your problems run deeper than frequency of sex.

FankEweVeryMuch Mon 11-Jul-16 22:21:38

4 kids, once a week, you're doing it twice as much as us!

ssh1 Mon 11-Jul-16 22:23:22

Somerville, we've only just started the counselling and the first couple of sessions were finding out about our backgrounds etc, I mentioned it and she was like, pretty shocked that DP is whinging about getting it twice a week but we will be talking about it next week, i will be making sure of that. he admits he has a problem, i just feel like i've been on a massive guilt trip for the last couple of years

TheyOnceSaid Mon 11-Jul-16 22:25:18

He shouldn't be making an issue out of it a lot of men don't even get it once a week.

OP is asking for advice not for people to call her DP horrible names.

NeedACleverNN Mon 11-Jul-16 22:25:37

It's clear the councellor thinks he has a problem so hopefully he will start listening and realising it isn't you, it's him

YourNewspaperIsShit Mon 11-Jul-16 22:25:54

This is unhealthy and if the counselor knows about it I would hope they mention how this can actually become emotional abuse. Maybe saying to your DP that it's classed as such will scare him off a bit?

Me and my DP have a similar issue and we found information on the "types" of love you want. For example my DP needs to be touched often to be shown love, he feels that reassures him that he is loved. But I like my personal space. Because DP feels love in that way he finds it hard to understand why I don't, and tries to project onto me. Thinking if he has sex with me I will feel loved, which isn't the case. Hope I'm making sense.

Me personally I feel loved by receiving large amounts of someone's time, just by being in the same room. So DP wanting to go out for a bit can leave me feeling unloved (I don't kick off or make him stay just feel a bit miffed).

We didn't have sex for 4 months and this is because I was stressed about cleaning, kids, etc. I was much more open to being sexual once he took some of the weight off my shoulders and I could relax.

Please don't ever just do it to stop him being grumpy, it's like giving kids sweets to stop them being naughty it just makes it worse. Tell him you can be affectionate and cuddle etc until you're ready for sex in your own time. Actually making him wait a couple of weeks would maybe shock him into it but I don't know.

icy121 Mon 11-Jul-16 22:26:30

If he's so dreadful, leave him? That's basically all you're going to get on and AIBU thread.

I personally hate having sex less than 3 times a week - not cause I always am bag up for it but because I feel it cements our relationship (8 years now). We're currently going through IVF/infertility (coming up for 3 years now of it all) so maybe that's why I'm keen to keep our sex life alive and not make it all about that. But if it's another leg over a week and the rest of your relationship is good then I don't see the problem. It sounds like there are more issues however.

ssh1 Mon 11-Jul-16 22:27:10

well my plan at the moment is like, i feel like a dick that he has been manipulating me and I've been sucked in to it. I feel like telling him to fuck off and move out

YourNewspaperIsShit Mon 11-Jul-16 22:27:27

Oh and we have 2 kids under 4 for reference smile

NeedACleverNN Mon 11-Jul-16 22:28:37

He is manipulating you.

You don't have to feel like it. He is.

He is keeping a record to prove you are not as good as you was last year. He uses it to guilt trip you into having sex and then moaning because you didn't do it for you but for him

YourNewspaperIsShit Mon 11-Jul-16 22:28:59

Try telling him to fuck off without moving out and see what he does? Lol, give him a swift kick up the arse and maybe he'll see what a dick he's being or show him some info on guilting into sex

I think me and DP have only had sex a few times since DD was born. Like Champagne I had a c-section.

I was also abused when I was younger. Your DP should respect your wishes and not get huffy regardless of your past, but for me this really skewers how I view sex compared to most.

trafalgargal Mon 11-Jul-16 22:36:41

I'd be changing the figures on the spread sheet...nothing like manipulating a bit of raw data to make your own agenda.

mamalovebird Mon 11-Jul-16 22:39:33

Do you have a dd? Ask him how he would feel if he heard that her dh was making her feel guilty for not giving him enough sex?

We don't really have any sort of average. Some weeks it can be 2-3 times then we can go weeks without it. Depends on so many things. DH might try it on but accepts a refusal with grace. He knows I love him. He knows that not always fancying sex at the same time is inevitable in a long term relationship.

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