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passive racism / homophobia / mocking of other cultures - AIBU?

(15 Posts)
YokoWakarimasen Mon 11-Jul-16 18:59:13

My parents continually make jokes about anything that is different to them - tonight at dinner it was a discussion about two gay men "mincing" and buying cloths - apparently odd behaviour for men? and then making fun of me when I spoke my daughters second language with her, and then finally a sweeping generalisation that all Americans are stupid. Two nights ago it was a huge rant about Germany and the war etc etc.

My kids are mixed race, we have recently relocated to the UK and have been staying with my parents while I sort things out. I have tried to ignore their comments but it is horrible having the kids hear that kind of thing, when I have tried so hard to bring them up with open minded attitudes until now. Tonight at the Americans comment I had had enough and said that really they shouldn't be saying that sort of thing, and the result was my mum left the room and now neither of them are talking to me. It seems they think I am oversensitive and can't take a joke.

I am really upset, but I think this is going to lead to more trouble in the future if I don't stand up for what is right.

I'm not being oversensitive, am I?

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine Mon 11-Jul-16 19:02:36

Their prejudices are far from "passive". They're being blatant and extremely rude and offensive. Of course you're not being oversensitive. They're being insensitive and nasty.

ABloodyDifficultWoman Mon 11-Jul-16 19:17:56

My Mother used to do this and it was all I could do not to short circuit and send flying death monkeys screeching at her head - but then it all started to make sense - it was early stage dementia. Probably not the case with both of yours though sad. I guess you can only make clear that you don't want to hear it and possible reduce contact until they get the message?

chinam Mon 11-Jul-16 19:18:42

YANBU. Good for you for calling them on it. Would they think it was okay if someone made "jokes" about their grandchildren?

SabineUndine Mon 11-Jul-16 19:24:07

My dad used to make smirky comments about anyone not like him. My mother went along with him. Neither of them ever worked out that they didn't see much of me because I didn think much of them.

YokoWakarimasen Mon 11-Jul-16 19:48:57

I am at a loss with this. I am grateful to them for everything they have done for us, but this is a dealbreaker for me with the kids. It is not okay. Sadly, I don't think they will stop, even if I ask them to - I will get the cold shoulder for accusing them of being racist.

Lailalee Mon 11-Jul-16 20:39:10

I never take BS from bigots. I don't care if you are old or young. I'll tell you off, call you out and I have reduced quite a few people to tears and I ain't gonna stop.
I don't use nasty language, I just say a few words that usually shock them to the core.

hotdiggedy Mon 11-Jul-16 20:41:04

My dad was (probably still is) exactly the same Sabine. Really embarrassing.

YokoWakarimasen Mon 11-Jul-16 21:07:45

lailalee - I want to spell it out to them, but I also know that if I upset them there will be hell. while we are living with them I have tried to avoid it for the sake of peace.

they know how I feel about it but keep making comments. I can't bite my tongue any longer, but if I don't they will probably cut contact.

amarmai Mon 11-Jul-16 21:21:19

You have to ensure your dcc do not internalize that they are not as good as anyone else. can you access help in getting a place to live?

YokoWakarimasen Mon 11-Jul-16 21:41:28

moving in two weeks. but not sure if / how we can salvage a relationship at all.

Owllady Mon 11-Jul-16 21:43:49

Just be clear they can't talk like that in front of your children.
Men buying cloth, whatever next ! grin

janey77 Mon 11-Jul-16 23:33:40

I'm with Owllady, I've had to have words with my own mother that I don't use racist/homophobic/sexist language and so I don't expect anyone to be using such language in front of my daughter. It was very awkward but needed to be ssid

janey77 Mon 11-Jul-16 23:34:23

*said obviously x

amarmai Tue 12-Jul-16 12:25:19

Good you are moving in two weeks . Lay out your ground rules to your parents and as your touchstone is your dcc' s well being , you will not go wrong. You cannot change them , they have to do that hard work. You may find that they can control what comes out of their mouths.

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