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MIL changed her mind . . .

(25 Posts)
LittleElephant123 Mon 11-Jul-16 18:00:04

So a long post and a bit of a rant.

Before DD was born MIL offered to watch her when I returned to work FT. So as October is fast approaching I had to book DD place for nursery for the day or days I need. My parents got 2 days asked MIL which day or days suited her. She chose 2 days which suited her. I double, triple checked she was sure she wanted 2 days it wouldn't be too much got told no no its fine.

Booked DD's place I'm nursery for 1 day. Only to be told yesterday by SIL that MIL is now not wanting to take DD on 1 of the days and that SIL can have her overnight then drop her the next day. - this is he first I've heard of it. To me everything was just as we had arranged.

I had said nobody will be getting DD over night during the week as I will be collecting her every day.

The reason SIL isn't having a DD as it's too much chaos getting DD there in time plus SIL has 2 kids to get to school. But she's always on standby if needed.

So MIL had a go at SIL last night that she didn't tell me that she was taking DD and that MIL would JUST NEED to take her.

This has 1) made me so angry and feel like my DD is an inconvenience to her 2) started stressing me out as I thought childcare was sorted place for nursery booked don't know if there's any places on other days now.

DO has just brushed it off 'she didn't meant it like that' 'she'll still have her 2 days' .

AIBU to not want DD to go there at all now? At the weekend MIL got a new grandchild and has offered to watch them 1 day a week. So kind of feel DD being put a side for this new baby.

Don't want to raise the issue with DP as I know it'll end up in an argument. Just stressing and really annoyed. AIBU?

yomellamoHelly Mon 11-Jul-16 18:08:00

You need a(nother) frank discussion with MIL to find out what she now wants to do. Ask your parents if they can cover any shortfall and get your dd's name down for an increase in hours at nursery asap. Leave all emotion out of it. Confirm by email. Copy dp in. Her loss in the long run, but not your problem.

P1nkP0ppy Mon 11-Jul-16 18:08:10

So your SIL said MIL couldn't have DC two days? Not MIL?
Why has she supposedly changed her mind?
You're definitely NBU at all, I'd be furious.

annielouisa Mon 11-Jul-16 18:09:52

Perhaps your MIL is trying to be fair concerning the other DGC. As a DGM I spend a lot of time trying to be fair but its a balancing act and it is so easy to accidentally upset someone. As a DGM my love is elastic but sadly my time is not.

MissBattleaxe Mon 11-Jul-16 18:12:46

Well if she's just had another grandchild- that's probably the reason. Maybe she doesn't want to spread herself too thinly? Keep her on side though. No need to let it snowball.

Arfarfanarf Mon 11-Jul-16 18:13:19

I think you should book extra nursery days. This sounds like it's just going to be a total hassle.

Only1scoop Mon 11-Jul-16 18:16:29

Extra nursery days

To be honest one day a week isn't great for settling into a new setting.

Maybe Sil thinks it will be too much for mil?

Maybe mil can have DC 1day?

VimFuego101 Mon 11-Jul-16 18:23:19

I think you should book extra nursery days. This sounds like it's just going to be a total hassle.

This. Your MIL is not going to be a reliable source of childcare.

bluebloom Mon 11-Jul-16 18:23:36

My MIL did this recently. Checked again & again if she was sure two days wasn't too much of a commitment, then the week we started visiting nurseries phone call from FIL (who always delivers her bad news) saying actually could we just make it one day. We'd budgeted for 3 days at nursery & there's been no acknowledgement of the extra expense (almost £50 a week) her changing her mind has cost us. Obviously grateful for any help but it was the mind changing that irritated me angry

annielouisa Mon 11-Jul-16 18:30:01

I also think some IL and DP offer the support when you have a cute baby but by the time you are going back you have an into everything crawler or toddler and they realise they cannot manage.

I know its a pain when your finances are based on using free family childcare interspersed with nursery.

FindingEmo Mon 11-Jul-16 18:33:28

Tbh I think using family as child care is too much hassle. My aunt used to have ds once a week but she used to cancel short notice so we had to hope the child minder could have him. Several times she couldn't so I couldn't work. childminder/nursery is definetly easier.

Dutchcourage Mon 11-Jul-16 18:34:04

My mil did this!

Just book extra nursary days and don't ask her to do any. At least your parents are helping with two days - be greatful of that!

ElsieMc Mon 11-Jul-16 18:36:32

I had this and honestly, book extra childcare days at a nursery you are happy with. I know it is more costly, but it provides peace of mind. MILs get ill, go on holiday, have other gc's etc and it rarely works out long term. One day is enough and really if your dp's are happy to help out, I would stick with them. It's her loss really but I honestly think you should listen to what she is telling you now about her reliability.

lalalalyra Mon 11-Jul-16 18:41:32

Have you checked with MIL that she did actually say that? It could be your SIL has taken it upon herself to decide it's too much for MIL and she'll take your DD one day (hence the overnight thing).

Check, check, check before you go off at MIL.

But when you rely on family for childcare the mind changing/availability changing possibility is something you need to keep in mind.

SisterViktorine Mon 11-Jul-16 18:44:50

I agree with all above. You need 3 days at nursery. MIL can cover your parents when they want to go on holiday/ are ill etc.

Notthisnotthat Mon 11-Jul-16 18:45:40

Agree with nursery being the easier option, my MiL found it too tiring as DD got older and more mobile, and asked that we put her in a playgroup, but she didn't want to do drop off and pick up on the day we needed her so we got a space at a nursery, best decision ever. DD2 was nursery right from the beginning leave grandparents free to babysit in the evenings once they are in bed so we can go out which we felt uncomfortable asking for when helping with childcare.

Chickoletta Mon 11-Jul-16 18:46:11

You are definitely NBU. If you can afford it, put DD in nursery for all the days MIL was going to have her. Nurseries might be (relatively) expensive but they offer a professional service which you can use as you see fit without having to grovel/explain yourself/engage in emotional blackmail. I had a similar situation with my MIL - when my DCs were little they were with me/MY mum/at nursery because MIL is bonkers and I refuse to be beholden to her. She didn't like this at first but eventually got on with things and realises that she can spend time with the kids without needing to be their regular caregiver.

She now looks after DSIL's little boy 3 days a week and complains about it to anyone who'll listen, so I feel sure that I did the right thing.

Good luck with the return to work. For what it's worth, my children had the most fantastic start at nursery and arrived at school as confident, sociable, well-mannered 4 yr olds.

pollylovespie Mon 11-Jul-16 18:57:52

Hmm, GPs who offer free childcare are doing parents a HUGE favour. I think two days a week is quite a lot- assuming she's retired so getting on a bit? It's hard bloody work looking after a wee one when you're not old, never mind when you are. You are not BU to want to get this sorted so you know what's what, but you are being pretty harsh about it. She's probably worried she's taken on too much bit doesn't want to say no. Half a day or a day would be much more manageable, book nursery for the remaining time you need, and be very grateful for the help you're getting.

HidingUnderARock Mon 11-Jul-16 19:04:33

My MIL offered to have DS one evening a week when he was tiny so could go on a course. My parents would have him the other evening.
Then she booked a holiday for the first 3 weeks of term.
She was supposed to collect from me and then I would collect them back after. It worked for one week, then she thought it might snow....

I would try to book at least one of the days at nursery. There is no point being stressed about it, which is inevitable now imo. It might even be easier for her to settle if she goes twice or 3x a week.

chalky3 Mon 11-Jul-16 19:08:27

This is the problem with relying on family or friends for childcare, they can change their minds, cancel at short notice, etc. and there's nothing you can do as they're helping you out for free. Yes it's annoying, inconvenient and more expensive but but put dd into nursery for two days as others have suggested. MIL has her one day, she'll be happy, you'll be less stressed and dd will enjoy nursery better if she goes more often.

To those moaning about the inconvenience and extra cost of family/friends changing their minds about helping with childcare: be grateful that they're helping you out at all, and remember, you get what you don't pay for! wink

HSMMaCM Mon 11-Jul-16 19:14:53

She'll settle better with more than one day a week at nursery anyway.

LittleElephant123 Mon 11-Jul-16 19:18:45

Thanks for all advice!

My parents have said they will take DD not to bother with MIL and if someone wants a day here or a day there that's fine but the main people watching her will be them. I also have a my grandparents offering to help they're in their 70's but with them and SIL on hand if my parents are ill or whatever.

1 day a week is fine for nursery for her just now (I work in a nursery so she's coming with me). We're trying to save so we can move house but if I need to put in for more days I will.

Yeh I know MIL has said this as she came into kitchen when me and SIL were talking and said 'have you told her yet'. Just really confused as to why all of a sudden she has now changed her mind and not spoke to me about it before deciding where and who with my DD goes too. She was the 1 who offered the 2 days more if we needed it. But we don't want to be a nuisance to anybody so though it would be fair both set of GP get 2 days.

Just the way she referred to as she'll 'just need to' makes me so annoyed. I know my OH is going to be really annoyed and think I'm being unreasonable but I don't want my DD feeling like she's a nuisance.

Me and MIL have always had a good relationship. She's very over the top and needs to take control and tell you what to do. I let her do her thing and it works.

Couldn't sleep last night for stressing about this. And the friction it's going to cause.

LittleElephant123 Mon 11-Jul-16 19:25:30

I don't mean to be ungrateful or anything she is doing us a huge favour by taking DD. And I totally understand if she doesn't feel she can do the 2 days but it's the way she's gone about it and the way she spoke about it.

I'm returning to work this week and doing 1.5 days over the summer (as they are very short staffed) but works out better for my return in Ocover means I'm only going to be working 3.5 days. 2 of those days were MILs days. So I'm going to try change DD's nursery day to 1 of MIL's and my parents will have her the other days and I'll arrange my day off for a day nursery school full

SouperSal Mon 11-Jul-16 19:49:32

One of my neighbours agreed to have their first (local) grandchild 5 days a week when their DIL went back to work. Little did they know that another DIL was pregnant, and of course they felt they had to offer the same for fairness. Both DILs had second children within 18 months of the first, and then their last DIL had one. Yes, they ended up looking after 5 under 3.

Perhaps they've realised that offering the same for all grandchildren will cause problems if they're doing 2 days a week with yours.

What's your backup to cover sickness etc?

LittleElephant123 Mon 11-Jul-16 19:56:03

MIL now has 5 gc. 3 of which are at school and she watched them all a few days a week. The new GC is my other SIL's and her and her husband don't work. And I totally get everybody needs a break. We don't have a choice I need to go back to work.

Cover for sickness is my grandparents, one of my SIL, friends and if I don't then it's simple I just don't go to work that day or week. Just one of the things that comes with being a parent.

I am really greatful but just don't know where we stand anymore and feel my DD isn't as 'important' since there's a newer baby on the scene.

I wouldn't thinm ahytjing of it if she couldnt tale DD 2 days due to it being to much but shes not told me anything and i dont know why.

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