No birthday card or gift from husband

[1girlfriday]

Am I being unreasonable? I am deeply concerned about my husband's recent behaviour.

Every year I have to babystep him through my birthday. I normally end up organising my own birthday fun but he does normally get me a card at least.

For his birthday I brought him a £700 guitar! So I really thought that this would at least remind him to do something nice for my birthday.

I reminded him that it was my birthday a month before to no real repsonse. I reminded him that my friend at work was asking what i wanted and my husnsnd still didnt listen.

I asked him again if he had any ideas 2 weeks before my birthday. He admitted he hadn't thought or got anything. When I said that it took me months to save £700 for his birthday present he just argued with me. He said that he couldn't afford anything...I said that it didn't have to be of equal value just something of equal thought...I don't care if it was a £20 gift as long as it showed some thought and he got me a card I would be happy.

Anyway after no action from my husband I decided that we should go on holiday and so I organised a trip for us and we spent some of our holiday savings on the holiday. We agreed this would be from our holiday money we had both put aside in a separate bank account (which is in my husbands name). This is not our personal money it is money we both put aside from the money we got given as a gift from family when we got married.

Anyway my birthday comes and gos and he said he lost my card and their was no gift either. In fact I even spent the day cooking a meal for us as he has social anxiety and doesn't like eating out. I was so upset but I didn't want it to ruin my day so I tried to ignore it.

A couple days later he asks me what's wrong as I am being quiet because i am bottling it up. When I ask him why he didn't get me a card or gift for my birthday his said he brought the holiday!

I reminded him that the holiday was brought out of our joint savings from our wedding gift money. His response was that he would probably end up paying back our savings. I didn't agree to this as he has never saved a penny in his life...it's normally me who saves money...hence the £700 guitar he got for his birthday! We both agreed we would both pay back money into our savings.

When I look back I realise that my husband never buys anyone a gift...accept for his mum. For his mum he'll take the day off and leap to her with flowers cards and presents. Even his brother comments how my husband is the favourite child.

Anyway I realised the year before he brought me a cheap joke gift. Some years he has brought me nothing at all but this is the first time he has got me no card or gift and he seems smug about it!

In response i have said to him I am not doing anything for his birthday...that got a "I will make it up to you" response. We both know those responses are a lie and amount to nothing. I will make it up to you really means I don't want to argue about this so I will say I will make it up to you but I won't.

I don't want to see my husband as selfish but more and more I am losing my rose coloured glasses and I see a spoilt brat where my husband once stood.

I have read through many help sites and see the same response....you can't change someone so suck it up. But what about me and my needs? Do I matter? Do I deserve a birthday? Why should my husband get everything he wants and if i complain about getting nothing I am seen as selfish?

I am so low about this...the only solution i have got is to cancel all our birthdays. If he wont give me a present i wont give him one. This goes against my nature but I can't keep giving to someone who won't give back.

We already dont celebrate christmas, valentines, our anniversary because my husband doesnt like celebrating "hallmark events". Now it looks like I have to live a life of no celebrations not even birthdays if i want to stay with my husband.

What I don't understand is why he will fuss over his mum and not me?

I am so confused....please help!

[prettywhiteguitar]

He sounds very principled when it's not about him. Perhaps you should take the guitar back, then think about whether you want to be with such a selfish arse

[ThoraGruntwhistle]

Yep, I'd sell his guitar and buy myself something nice with the money.

[Snowflakes1122]

So he knows you feel his way, but he still
Each year chooses to ignore your feelings and buy you a thoughtful gift?
Does his guy have any redeeming features? Because he isn't sounding like much of a catch.

Yanbu. You deserve your feelings being listened to and taking on board.

[LadyLayLay]

He sounds like a big lazy douchebag!

[gamerchick]

Well if you want to stay with him and it sounds like you do you'll have to manage things. There's no reason not to celebrate things you want just organise them leaving him out, even if it means leaving him sitting alone.

What do you do at Christmas? I couldn't ignore Christmas just because my bloke wasn't into it. The thought makes me feel sad

[VinoTime]

Sell the guitar and use the money to treat yourself. Serve the selfish git right. Does he have some redeeming qualities?

I don't generally like a big fuss over my birthday, but I do enjoy waking up to a small pile of cards, the promise of a nice meal out and a good slab of cake later on. It's hardly unreasonable to expect your husband to remember the day you were born and produce a small, thoughtful minding. I would be incredibly hurt if I was in your shoes

[gamerchick]

What about presents other times of the year, is he thoughtful outside of his principles?

[wigglesrock]

Well I couldn't live like that, but it's easy for me to say that. He's not principled, his defence of not liking Hallmark events is a load of shite - he's happy enough to accept gifts, celebrate his mums birthday but can't be arsed to do a panic flower grab, pick up some books/clothes/jewellery. Like fuck would I be spending £700 on anyone's birthday let alone someone who has so little thought to something that is important to their partner.

Do you have children, do you want kids with him? because what's he going to do for birthday parties, Christmas presents, all the associated present faff.

[summerskittles91]

Not having enough money is not an excuse. it doesn't cost much to do something thoughtful for your someone.

You need to tell him exactly how you feel.. and if he still dismisses it I'd seriously consider why you're in a relationship with someone who makes you feel like that.

[Sparkletastic]

His actions speak louder than his words. Is he loving and thoughtful in other ways? What is life without celebrations? This would be a deal breaker for me.

[summerskittles91]

for someone*

[JennyOnAPlate]

Put the guitar on eBay and don't get him anything next year.

[Sparkletastic]

At the very least he could have cooked you dinner and bought or baked you a cake. Even ordered a takeaway ffs. for you.

[ParisGellar]

Sell the guitar. How disrespectful that he'd do all that for his mum but not his wife.

[CaribbeanDawn]

I feel mad on your behalf
It's really bloody shit and selfish... Please don't bother with his birthday again, start saving now for next years birthday and buy yourself some bloody good stuff.. £700 worth at least of whatever makes you happy!

[joangray38]

Happy birthday. Sell the guitar and don't buy him any more presents/cards. Birthdays imo are not about the cost of the present but showing that you acknowledge someone's birthday and you appreciate them .

[Snowflakes1122]

I second the selling the guitar. Next year on his birthday buy yourself loads and don't acknowledge his birthday.

[1girlfriday]

Thanks guys I really appreciate the responses. I was just starting to feel mad inside. I won't sell his guitar or anything like that but the thought made me smile...so thank you for that!

We don't get eachother anything for Xmas, valentines or our anniversary mainly because he hates being forced into celebrating. I just wanted him to celebrate once a year with me on mine and his own birthday but it seems unlikely to happen.

He's very unique and I love him for being the free thinker he is. But it just saddens me that he'll make an effort for his mum and dad but not me. This is what is really bothering me deep down....does he love me less than them?

[girlywhirly]

I agree to selling the guitar. But I would also be looking very closely at the marriage and whether it was worth saving. He is extremely self centred and quite controlling telling you what you can and can't celebrate.

He doesn't like eating out because of his social anxiety; he could have ordered in a takeaway for you both, a bouquet to be delivered, and at least that would have showed he cares. He doesn't care, really it's a big red flag.

[MadameCholetsDirtySecret]

It sounds pretty joyless with him TBH.

If he cared about your feelings, he would make an effort. If you love someone you do do things for them, even if it isn't what you want for yourself. That said, he can't be too anti hallmark occasions if he is happy to receive gifts.

I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with such a mean spirited person.

[maras2]

free thinker MY ARSE ! Tight miserable bastard more like.I've never heard such nonsense.Mind you,I'd never spend £700 on a present for anyone.

[mrsbrightside3]

He sounds like a real meany.

If he can't be arsed with your birthday then you shouldn't be arsed with his from now on - just treat yourself to something nice instead.

I hope you have some nice friends / family that will take you out for a meal on your birthday instead. Sometimes there is just no changing people.

[Jodie1982]

Doesn't seem as if he cares about your feelings at all, he could've made an effort if he wanted to, bake a cake? Make a meal? Run you a nice bath and watch a movie?
He can plan his mother's birthday but not yours. He sounds like a inconsiderate arsehole.
I seriously wouldn't make a fuss of him anymore at all.
This year I didn't get DP anything for fathers day as 2yrs in a row he left me out of mothers day, I told him why he got sod all as well.

[Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g]

OP, do you have children? If not, and if you might think of having them in the future, would you be happy to be the one making all the running for them when it's Christmas or birthday time? Might he expect them not to celebrate either?

I don't think I could live with somebody as self-obsessed as your husband sounds. He doesn't like 'hallmark' events, but happily accepts a big present. He knows it would mean a lot to you to get a card or present on your birthday as a sign that he thinks of you, but he can't be bothered. That's not a good sign.

[HelloTreacle9]

Are you planning on having children? Because he won't have a chance of not celebrating birthdays and Christmas because he's a 'free thinker' if there are small people on the scene.

I do sympathise. I reckon different expectations around how you celebrate/what's worth celebrating can cause as much discord in a marriage as money (which also makes up an aspect of this argument). DH's family are bloody useless at celebrating and it's taken me a couple of decades to persuade him that thoughtful pressies, fizz and general joyful celebration are important and, erm, fun...