AIBU that my husband won't even request flexible working hours?

[Happypeas]

My husband is on a three week rolling shift pattern. In order for me to go back to work I need him to ask for a change in one Friday shift that occurs every three weeks from a 7-3 to a 10-6. He's refusing to even consider asking. Because of his rolling shift pattern it limits the type of works and day I can work so I don't end up just working to pay childcare. There are people on his team who have flexible working hours approved so I know it's not impossible. He just wants me to work around his shifts.

[redshoeblueshoe]

He should ask. Where I used to work with similar shift patterns people would be fighting to work the earlier shift on a Friday.

[Happypeas]

He openly admitted he likes working early shift on a Friday. I just think it's unfair as I'm ties to working school hours otherwise

[slightlyglitterbrained]

So, he's going to fuck your job, your pension, your family's financial resilience and your trust for 3 hours on a Friday?

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

This will be tough - is there any practical reasons on either side, or is it just that you'd both prefer to work clashing hours?

If you'll earn significantly more if he works the later shift, for example, then it would be in everyone's interests for him to do so and for the family to benefit from the additional money.

I can see why he'd rather work 7 - 3 on a Friday, though, he essentially gets a slightly longer weekend on those Fridays. If there's no benefits to changing it, I can see why he's resistant.

One would hope that he'd change it because you want him too, but I suppose if he really doesn't want to, you're at a stalemate.

Is there another option? Childcare on that Friday so you can both work when you want too? If there's a cost involved, it might make him reconsider... but even if he doesn't, you'll both be happier.

[Birdsgottafly]

You don't get to work "what you like", when you have children, you fit around the family.

Is your money pooled? Is there anyway he can cut down to pay for child care?

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

I think I'm too tired for this and I misread

If he's making it impossible for you to go back to work because he won't change his hours, that's not on at all. I still don't know how you can force him to do otherwise, but he should consider both the family benefits of a bigger income and your happiness.

[Bogeyface]

Have you asked him what his justification is for you having to work around his job instead of the other way around? Why his preference for an early shift on a Friday trumps the whole family's need for increased income?

His answer will tell you all you need to know. I suspect it will boil down to "Because I want to work that shift and its tough shit on you", which means you have a much bigger issue than one shift every few weeks.

[RedHareWithBlondeHair]

Of course yanbu but other than patently refusing what else does he say? I find it a rather bizarre refusal.

[monkeysox]

If he works a three week shift pattern he wi be needed the shifts he's allocated. As women (sounds sexism but true Imo) we have common sense and would swap some staff around to accommodate this.
Employers who have shift working are extremely inflexible. You are a peg to fit in a hole.
In principle yanbu but they won't allow it.

[aprilanne]

if you need the money then yes he is unreasonable if you can survive on his wage then fine .

[redshoeblueshoe]

monkey where I have worked the important thing is that the shift is covered. I think there would be no problem getting someone to swop shifts with him. Basically as he won't even ask he sees himself as more important than the OP, so his choice trumps their needs.

[EverythingWillBeFine]

He is just selfish.

His own priorities trumps everyone else. If he was feeling that you absolutely needed the money and you not working negatively affected him, he would be asking for the flexi hours.

Is he like this all the time? Or just on that one issue?

[VestalVirgin]

Because of his rolling shift pattern it limits the type of works and day I can work so I don't end up just working to pay childcare.

Let him work to pay childcare. The children are his responsibility as well as yours (assuming he is the father), and he can pay for his share.

Think long-term. Think of your old age. Do not rely on your husband being loyal to you then, especially if he is not now.

[EverythingWillBeFine]

april do you think that the only important thing in life is money?

What about the Op's pension, her fulfillement from her job, mixing with other people and having adult time, her having some sort of financial independance, more money available for extras (which I'm sure HE will enjoy too), the OP able to spend osme time as an adult, not 'just' a wife and a mum etc etc

Yes money is important. That's not the only thing in the world though. And his 'needs and wants' should NEVER trumps the ones of his partner just because 'he is the one earning the money'.
He is in a relationship, they should have equal footing (and that sort behaviour is the exact opposite)

[Theimpossiblegirl]

A lot of companies with rolling shift patterns are very inflexible. It's not great for family life but they don't tend to care. He may feel that even asking will open him up to scrutiny and make work unpleasant. It's not how things should be, but it is often the harsh reality of male dominated/oriented workplaces.

Not wanting to rock the boat with his employers does not make him selfish or disloyal. I know childcare is a pain, I know it's wrong that it is mostly down to women to sort it, but that does not mean the op's DH is a bad father or husband. When my DH was in a similar position it was really hard, but not his fault. Good jobs are hard to come by.

[aprilanne]

well that was me bloody told .probably because i was always asahm i see it from this point of view .i just loved being at home with the boys which we could afford .but i realise times are changing .but surely if he is the main wage earner then yes his job must come first .some men just dont like being in the house with children i know its sexist on there part but true .

[HanYOLO]

I can see how an early on a Friday is quite nice for him every 3 weeks. But that needs to be weighed against all those crucial things glitter has mentioned.

Have you currently got a job, OP or are you looking for one? Is that likely to be shift work too? Because a 3pm theoretically means he's available to do the school pick up?

[aprilanne]

in my hubbys work he had a yearly shift pattern .the holidays were dictated no choice the only thing you got was 3 floating days for emergencys .ie funerals .they certainly were not family friendly .big drugs/chemical
company

[MunchCrunch01]

whether he earns lots or not, he's being completely U, this is one small adjustment to his hours on some Fridays. My DH would do this and I'd expect him to, limiting you to looking for school hours jobs only is sentencing you to low paid part time work and seriously limiting your chance of finding any job. On the face of it, it looks indefensible to me, and just because he wants to finish earlier on some Fridays? FFS!

[HanYOLO]

I think I would simply say to him "I cannot base my job and career choices on your shift pattern" . I have found this job, how are we going to handle it?

It may be that your finances are such that between you the childcare required for the out of school hours is affordable between your joint incomes (though if you both start at 7am, may be difficult to come by).

[redskytonight]

Depends whether he has a legitimate chance of getting the change in hours really. He may well "Know" based on the culture of his company, that he won't get the change in hours, and will be looked upon negatively for even asking. In this case, I wouldn't want to ask in his shoes either!

[NickNacks]

Is he a police officer?

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

Let him work to pay childcare. The children are his responsibility as well as yours (assuming he is the father), and he can pay for his share
Think long-term. Think of your old age. Do not rely on your husband being loyal to you then, especially if he is not now

This . With bells on.

Find the job that is most appropriate for you, then split the cost of the associated childcare out of a joint account or by equal deposits to a new childcare current account. This is NOT your cost to bear.

Sighs and shakes head at Aprilanne. This has nothing to do with his job coming first. He can't have his fucking cake and eat it by dictating the hours his wife works because he can't be arsed to request some flexibility while he's legally entitled to it.

[MunchCrunch01]

asking an employer to vary the hours on occasional Fridays hardly seems like much of an ask to me when stacked up against Op being restricted to school hours only jobs which is a huge limitation. Don't all parents of small children have a legal right to ask for flexibility these days? Nothing in the Op or comments implies that the DH in question is in fear of losing his job if he asks for a minor change to his shift pattern.

[WreckingBallsInsideMyHead]

The OP said other employees have flexible working so from the employers PoV he can ask and there's a precedent that requests may be granted.

He is being very unreasonable to not even ask. If he asks and is declined that's different and annoying but not its him being a twat about it at least.