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to think I'm making a big mistake

(32 Posts)
anxietywinsagain Mon 11-Jul-16 07:39:13

So after a short gap I am about to re embark on my career. I have been offered a job (job A) down the road so probably commute of 15 mins each way and a job with a 40 minute commute each side (job B)
I absolutely love working where job B is, all my friends work in that area and the overall area is 1000x better than job A.
However the job looks very stressful (although on paper shorter hours than job b) and I haven't worked for a few months so am a bit wary of hitting the ground running. Job B looks really easy but has no extra frills like bonus healthcare etc. Which job A does.after commuting both jobs are similar pay.

Now the only reason i am going back to work is I want to leave my H as it's been a long time coming and I'm desperate to get out now it's making me so down to still be here. We have a dd who is about to start morning at a preschool in September and even though I am desperate to live my old life with job A, job B will allow me to drop her off in the morning and generally save a lot on childcare. I do however know that with a struggle I can get childcare sorted if I took job A. AIBU (or maybe just plain daft) to choose my old life which makes me so happy and allows me to have social links which I don't have locally and has better career prospects vs being in a less stressful job while I go through with a divorce. One option is to work local then go back to area A in the future once divorce is done however job A is in a really good location hard to beat.
Also will working further away instead of local affect me having dd to stay with me if my H tries to dispute when he sees her etc. I think me and H are more friends now so I can't see us fighting too much but I would need child maintenance for childcare costs if I was to take job A. I imagine taking the local job would make me look better as a 'mum' whilst getting a divorce, although feel bad saying that my dd does come first but I feel following my career will help all of us in the long run.

Any advice appreciated. I have to let these jobs know by today which one I choose and I have really sat on this all weekend!

MessyBun247 Mon 11-Jul-16 07:45:46

I would say B. More time with your daughter, less time commuting and less stress. You sound like you are more keen on A though?

pinkdelight Mon 11-Jul-16 08:08:04

It's slightly confusing - I think Job A has less commuting time, Messy? Maybe pros and cons in list form would be clearer? But it looks a very close-run thing. Is it good that Job B is really easy? That doesn't sound like it would be very satisfying after a while. Am also not sure why the area a job is in would be such a big factor. You'll be working, not meeting friends, and if you want to meet friends it's only a short journey to do so from Job A. If you can sort childcare, it sounds like Job A has the edge and that it's just familiarity/fear of the unknown that is making you favour Job B. But I can see why you're torn. Would it help to say that neither job sounds like you'd be making a big mistake? Maybe try to reframe it in a positive way - this is a good problem to have, two job offers which both have a lot going for them!

DoreenLethal Mon 11-Jul-16 08:13:00

I imagine taking the local job would make me look better as a 'mum' whilst getting a divorce, although feel bad saying that my dd does come first but I feel following my career will help all of us in the long run.

Don't worry about what other people say - just do a 'pros' and 'cons' list adn go with what you feel is best.

And also, get your child maintenance regardless of childcare costs.

user1466690252 Mon 11-Jul-16 08:16:32

Dont worry what makes you look best. If your doing this do it for what's best for your daughter and you. More money job. Get maintenence aswell. Noone will think more or less of you either way and its you and your dd who will.be effected

ChooseTheLifeYouLove Mon 11-Jul-16 08:19:14

You want job A take that one.

Witchend Mon 11-Jul-16 08:22:31

Job A.
I think you'll find you're underestimating the extra effort, child care etc you will find with an extra half hour commute

99GBPChargeToUseMyPostsJournos Mon 11-Jul-16 08:24:09

That sounded muddled, it might have been easier to list the pros of each job.

PotOfYoghurt Mon 11-Jul-16 08:25:44

Have you used the wrong A & B at points? It was very hard to follow.

yorkstonepatio Mon 11-Jul-16 08:26:59

Take the job that offers you the best career, as long term that will offer you more choices and better security for you and your daughter. Don't discount extra benefits like healthcare. You will probably be able to add your dd to that for a reduced fee and it will be invaluable if either one of you become ill or have an accident.

Yokebe Mon 11-Jul-16 08:27:47

I agree, its confusing, could you do a list of

Job A - pros & cons
Job B - pros & cons

Then we will have a good look for you smile

99GBPChargeToUseMyPostsJournos Mon 11-Jul-16 08:28:22

That's what I wondered too potofyoghurt

anxietywinsagain Mon 11-Jul-16 08:28:24

Thanks it really has been a struggle. If I planned to stay with H I would choose job A and see what happens because I'd have the financial support his 6 figure salary allows. I am just worried I will be a bad mum I suppose if I choose my career over seeing my daughter more but I was in a career job when she was born and I took a gap to try the housewife role and let's just say I'm better off at work smile
The only thing driving me towards job b is the easier childcare situation in that I will be able to drop dd to school and possibly pick her up in lunch and drop her to my mums. In job A my mum has said she'll do what she can to support me (she know I want to split) but my mum lives a bit too far to pick dd up from school so no idea what I will do but I do have until September to figure something out...

anxietywinsagain Mon 11-Jul-16 08:29:06

Ps yes I'm so daft aren't I job a is far away job b is local and job a is area I love...

APotterWithAHappyAtmosphere Mon 11-Jul-16 08:36:02

I think you've switched jobs a & b after the first paragraph, but it's not quite clear where. Perhaps it's psychological - you've promoted job b to job a as it's the one you really want!

i think when you are going it alone, the better career prospects of the further-away job are an important consideration. However I work locally and it is invaluable in terms of childcare. I would work out your options with that sooner rather than later. I have a good job quite locally and even so I feel torn in two most of the time.

toadgirl Mon 11-Jul-16 08:45:09

I'd go for the job which makes you happy with strong social links. You will need a good supportive job when you go through the divorce process. Being happy in a job is like hitting the jackpot.

swancourt Mon 11-Jul-16 08:45:24

Take the job you love. You're not choosing a job over your DD, you're figuring out what's best all round. My school-aged DD goes to a childminder before and after school three days a week (I drop her and pick her up from school two days). Lots of kids in her school do before and after school club some days a week - you'll figure it out. Make sure your DH pays maintenance no matter what- his daughter is still his responsibility no matter what you are doing. Set yourself up for the life and the future you want for you and your DD - sounds like you have been trying to do the self-sacrifice thing for a while and it hasn't worked for you x

Shakirasma Mon 11-Jul-16 08:45:24

I think you should go for the job ( not sure if it's a or b) that allows you to be more involved with your DD.

Once things have settled there's nothing stopping you putting your career first and moving to a more exciting, better job but in the short term your small DD is facing losing mum as her full time carer, starting pre school and her parents spitting up. Do what's right for her at this time.

nolongerwaitingfornumber2 Mon 11-Jul-16 08:51:30

If you're planning on splitting up couldn't you move closer to job A and put your daughter in childcare there? If she's in preschool I assume she's 3 so would still get her 15 hours free at a nursery if you can't get her into a school. You'll also be in an area you love with friends nearby for setting up your new life.

anxietywinsagain Mon 11-Jul-16 09:00:28

Nolonger, that was my plan but is in an expensive area so all in all see costs becoming impossible to achieve moving in the immediate term. Is a possibility in the future though. I suppose my main worry is divorcing while in a stressful job vs taking easy local job. One option is to stick local job out and then move jobs again in a years time to better area and restart career plan in years time iyswim.

ProfessorPickles Mon 11-Jul-16 09:01:56

I was wondering the same as nolongerwaiting, would moving closer to job A be an option?
Otherwise, I'd say go for A. It'll make you happier as its the one you want, social connections will be important while going through your divorce and you mentioned it has future career prospects too.

I understand why you are tempted with job B as you'd get more time with your DD but if you'd be happier at job A, then you'll be a happier person and a better mum than just plodding along in the other job smile

nolongerwaitingfornumber2 Mon 11-Jul-16 09:07:11

I agree with ProfessorPickles. You definitely sound like you'd be settling if you took job B even though it would make logistics easier in the short term. Next year job A, or one similar, might not be available and your DD will be in school so not need complicated or expensive childcare. 40 mins is not even a long commute in my opinion.

Tartyflette Mon 11-Jul-16 09:08:29

I'd. Take the job with more benefits and prospects - you,re going to be working for many years to come.
And a 40 minute commute is. Not t too bad, really.

BikeRunSki Mon 11-Jul-16 09:10:52

Shorter commute would win hands down for me every time.

EllaHen Mon 11-Jul-16 09:14:34

I would go for the 'better' job - the one with better prospects, pay, healthcare, looks better on cv etc.

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