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To feel resentful about DH going away

(47 Posts)
Sparkydo Sun 10-Jul-16 20:54:35

We have a 4yo and a nearly 2yo. The 2yo doesn't sleep. We're up every night multiple times with him. We take it in turns to look after him whilst the other sleeps. In September DH is going away on a leisure trip for 10 days. He'd planned this over a year ago and I said fine. But now it's drawing closer and I'm panicking as I don't know how I'm going to cope with the nights and go to work as well. It's starting to piss me off that he's going. My friends haven't helped by telling me he's lucky I'm "letting" him go. But I'm no his keeper! However, AIBU to feel resentful that he's going and leaving me to deal with this on my own?

Paulat2112 Sun 10-Jul-16 20:57:25

You need to plan a 10 day leisure trip for yourself!

Sparkydo Sun 10-Jul-16 21:01:58

Ha! I don't have the money or the inclination to go away on my own I'm afraid. I don't want to leave the kids that long either. smile

facepalming Sun 10-Jul-16 21:02:23

Oh sparkydo yanbu at all!!!

I totally understand. You want to be a good partner and hold the fort down to let him go and enjoy himself but the closer it gets the more reality hits and it feels rotten.

I have a 2 year old and a 6 month old and my OH is not English so he travels home now and again and also travels a bit with work. His family don't live here and we are far from mine so I get no help other than dh and those trips can be awful. My 2 year old doesn't sleep well yet either.

you would not be unreasonable at all to ask him to shorten his trip.

the best advice I can give you is to talk to him now. I have a horrible habit of plodding on resentfully and then I give my dh loads of shit while he is away which ruins his trips and makes me feel crap and of course solves nothing! so talk now and see if he can shorten his trip.

Do you have family nearby or friends who can help? my best friend lives far away and last time she fixed her visit to coincide with dhs trip away and that was a godsend. obs I still had all the responsibility but I had the company which was so important (and a second pair of hands!!).

I really feel for you with this and I promise you it's not selfish to feel how you feel - but don't let it boil over

Katz Sun 10-Jul-16 21:05:56

September is a long way off. The little one might be sleeping through by then. By dd1 didn't sleep through until she was 2. We tried the no cry sleep solution - it took about 2 weeks following the advice in there and it's like something just clicked and she went from waking twice or three times to sleeping through. We reintroduced naps which helped her sleep through even though that seems counterintuitive.

WinniePooh101 Sun 10-Jul-16 21:07:45

YNBU at all! A 10 day leisure trip is far too long when leaving behind two children aged 2 and 4. I wonder how he would feel and cope if you were to do the same to him. 10 days is ridiculous. I''m like you and I don't believe in telling my OH what he can and can't do, but I do expect him to use common sense and to consider me. You haven't said where he's going, with whom or why. If it's just a trip away with friends then 3/4 days tops is the max I would be willing to accept.

Becky546 Sun 10-Jul-16 21:08:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ragwort Sun 10-Jul-16 21:08:49

Why isn't your DD sleeping and what are you (both) doing about it? Do you need to do some sort of sleep training or are there specific reasons why she won't or can't sleep through?

You say you don't have the money or 'inclination' to go away for a 10 day trip but perhaps your partner does? You sound controlling if you don't want him to have a break just because you don't want a break, or to leave your children confused. He has planned this a year ago and it is obviously something he is looking forward to.

I think you both need to tackle your DD's sleeping pattern rather than to get grumpy about the fact he wants to have a holiday.

BaldHedgehog Sun 10-Jul-16 21:14:43

Ragwort sometimes they just don't sleep.

OP, any chance to follow facepalming suggestion and ask someboody to come and stay for a few days?

DelphiniumBlue Sun 10-Jul-16 21:18:09

Would co - sleeping help? At least while DH is away.
Or what Katz suggested - start sleep training well before he goes.

Sparkydo Sun 10-Jul-16 21:19:53

Thanks for the replies. DH is going on a canoeing trip that would be hard to shorten. I don't have a mum and my dad isn't much use. My ILs live about 4h drive away and would help but I'm not that comfortable with them being in my house (my problem I know and one I expect I'll have to get over as that's my only solution at the moment!). My DH would happily let me go away for 10 days or even more and is great with both kids - he's not as fazed by the lack of sleep than me. We both put equal money into the joint fund then the rest is ours; I'm crap with money. I simply would miss my kids if I went away although I'm pretty sure I could get over that! DS doesn't sleep because he's only 21m. It isn't unusual. I'm not concerned about his sleeping habits in the long term and I know they will sort themselves out in time - I'm happy to wait. The problem is that I cope better when we share the load! I'm hoping it will all get better in the next 2 months but I've been hoping for 2y so far and no joy! I hate the idea of sleep training but I may have to consider some sort of it but it's a very small house and DS is very very loud. And persistent!

Sparkydo Sun 10-Jul-16 21:21:53

Co-sleeping is the only way we manage - the one on "duty" sleeps in DS's room with him in the spare bed. But he's still restless. DH and I haven't actually slept the whole night in the same bed for months hmm

Oly5 Sun 10-Jul-16 21:26:58

Yes I think yabu. You said he could go and now you're going to guilt trip him for it?
The problem here is your unwillingness to go away yourself. You need to book a trip for YOU.
The kids will Survive (hell, they won't even remember this when they're older).
I think that's the issue - that you need to be able to leave them and enjoy yourself once in a while.
My kids are the same age as yours and me and DH go on a separate trip each with friends once a year/every 18 months.
It's so good for each parent to get away!
My DH is v hands on so I know the kids are fine.
I think you just need to do this yourself!

Oly5 Sun 10-Jul-16 21:28:06

Ps neither of mine slept til they were 2. It will improve

HermioneJeanGranger Sun 10-Jul-16 21:28:35

YANBU to feel resentful at all, but make sure you bamk the time! If he can afford to go on a 10-day holiday, then you should be entitled to 10 days off as well (you could do five weekends, or a couple of mid-week breaks if you don't want to go for 10 days straight)>

Lack of sleep is shit and it sucks even more when you know you'll have to deal with it for a prolonged period of time. flowers

facepalming Sun 10-Jul-16 21:52:09

Oly5 do you have other help nearby? parents, in laws etc?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 10-Jul-16 22:03:32

I'd be planning to have some holiday time off work while your OH is away. Being dog-tired when you're at home with the children is a whole different ball-game to being dog-tired and looking after the kids and working, too.

If I was your friend I'd book some holiday-time to come and stay to give you a hand.

Sparkydo Sun 10-Jul-16 22:04:56

I guess I just don't want to spend 10 days on my own! I don't have any friends that would be able to go away with me and I have very little family. I will definitely be banking these hours for future trips but I simply don't want to go away myself for that long at the moment. I'm not trying to guilt trip him, I'm just generally very anxious about how I'm going to cope now the reality of his trip is looming. I agreed to this as I don't think I have the right to tell him he can't go. I also didn't know we would have a little insomniac on our hands at the time!

Sparkydo Sun 10-Jul-16 22:05:48

Thanks BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted smile

Oly5 Sun 10-Jul-16 22:07:24

Hi face, no I don't. Both mine and my dhs parents have sadly died. It's my DH who does everything when I'm away and vice versa.
I think it's one of the reasons we need that me time tbh, we have no help so have to give each other a break!
It works brilliantly for us and it's very good for us to get off and see our individual groups of friends.
I don't think people should find it weird tbh. My kids are v well cared for, with two loving parents

facepalming Sun 10-Jul-16 22:09:09

Oly5 I'm so sorry to hear that. we are in a similar boat so Im curious as to how you manage so well! sounds like you have a good partnership there with your dh!

Sparkydo Sun 10-Jul-16 22:16:00

I don't find it weird Oly5, it's not my place to comment on other peoples' relationships! It clearly works for you and maybe I should I take a leaf out of your book. smile

BeckyMcDonald Sun 10-Jul-16 22:36:40

None of mine have slept through until they were 3. But things did improve a lot at 2. Can you take the week off work so you're not too worried about still being able to function?

I co-sleep every night with my non-sleeping 18 month old who feeds maybe 5/6 times per night. I get up and go to work two days per week. It's not as bad as I always think it's going to be. You will cope. You might need some strong coffee though!

Sparkydo Sun 10-Jul-16 22:39:05

Thanks Becky! I think that was just the encouragement I needed!

RubbleBubble00 Sun 10-Jul-16 22:57:44

I'd be thinking perhaps daycare/childminder short term tbh even couple of days each week to just sleep while he's away

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