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Aibu to want dd to move out?

(122 Posts)
PeppasNanna Sun 10-Jul-16 12:02:59

Dd is 25. After Uni she came home. So 3 years ago. Not for good but so she could get herself organised & move on

Shes a qualified engineer. Earns very good money. She talks about moving out but hasn't.

Our home life has totally changed since she initially went to uni. I need her to move out. I have 2 boys with SN sharing a room who wake & disturb each other constantly. She works shifts so a nightmare keeping the younger dc quiet.

Personally, I would move due to the noise but shes just booked another holiday...

When I asked her what her plans are with regards to moving out, she got really annoyed with me.

AIBU? She 25 earns over £40k a year. 4 holidays this year. Brand new car. But wint sort her own place.confused

PeppasNanna Sun 10-Jul-16 12:03:54

blush wint=won't

PotteringAlong Sun 10-Jul-16 12:05:17

Just tell her to go. Give her a deadline of Christmas and tell her to leave. My parents were very clear to me and my siblings that we got 6 months of living at home post uni to sort ourselves out and that was it. My PiL were not that clear which is why BIL still hasn't shifted his backside at 28.

KoalaDownUnder Sun 10-Jul-16 12:05:30

?! Of course YANBU.

Tell her to get out and stand on her own two feet!

Zippidydoodah Sun 10-Jul-16 12:06:05

No yanbu. She needs to move out. Not sure how you could achieve that, though, without making her feel like you don't want her or love her!!

Does she pay rent? Maybe you could up her rent to the amount she'd be paying in mortgage or rent for her own property, save the money up for a bit, then give it to her as a lump sum to help her on her way?

MyKingdomForBrie Sun 10-Jul-16 12:06:15

She got annoyed with you?! On what basis? YANBU at all, your sons clearly need their own rooms and she has no need to be living at your expense. Give her a firm date to move out.

DiggersRest Sun 10-Jul-16 12:06:28

Have you tried the direct approach, dd l need you to move as ds1 and ds2 can no longer share.

£40k at 25 even for London is pretty decent. Give her a firm but loving push.

MatildaTheCat Sun 10-Jul-16 12:06:41

YANBU at all. She needs to grow up and find herself a flat or house share.

Start charging her a market rent and give her a deadline for moving out. If she throws a strop tell her calmly she's being immature.

Stop keeping your ds quiet while she's sleeping,my hat might move things along a little.

Zippidydoodah Sun 10-Jul-16 12:07:52

I think I'd have been upset/offended if just told to move out in no uncertain terms, but maybe I'm just a softy! As it happens, I couldn't wait to have my own place and bought a flat aged 24 but she's obviously enjoying her affluent lifestyle (not paying bills etc)

MyKingdomForBrie Sun 10-Jul-16 12:08:28

not sure how you could achieve that without making her feel you don't want or love her

Don't agree at all. She's being really selfish taking up a room and disturbing her brothers when she has no need to. My parents made it very clear I would be expected to be independent after uni and I knew full well it was for my own good - adults move out, nuclear families are just not meant to live together after the children become adults, it isn't healthy for anyone.

Zippidydoodah Sun 10-Jul-16 12:08:53

Oh and I agree wholeheartedly with letting the boys wake her up!! Maybe that would be the push she needs.

Zippidydoodah Sun 10-Jul-16 12:09:27

Like I said MyKingsom: I'm a softy!!

pictish Sun 10-Jul-16 12:09:29

Yanbu. You need to tell her gently but firmly that it is time for her to get her own place.

BlunderWomansCat Sun 10-Jul-16 12:12:19

I agree in giving her a deadline, I did this with ds (25) last year. I too have 2 younger dc's with ASD. He understood and took it graciously. Don't tolerate her rudeness, good luck.

happypoobum Sun 10-Jul-16 12:12:32

YANBU - you have the perfect reason, the boys need their own rooms. Just tell her she has to get her own place now.

antimatter Sun 10-Jul-16 12:13:37

Is she contributing towards your bills?

PNGirl Sun 10-Jul-16 12:14:12

I bought a house at 23. YANBU. I'm not sure how you can phrase it but asking what her plans are isn't firm enough! If she gets annoyed, so what?

MintyChapstick Sun 10-Jul-16 12:15:33

40k a year?! What the hell is she still doing at home if she's earning that sort of money?! I thought you were going to say she was on a minimum wage/zero hours contract or something. She could easily afford to rent, bloody he'll she could even stretch to a mortgage on that kind of money.


MyKingdomForBrie Sun 10-Jul-16 12:15:55

I'm a total softy, but I can't understand selfishness and one way love in families. How is the op to feel loved, her sons to feel loved, when the dd is putting them behind her needs like this? I didn't feel unloved in this situation because I wasn't! I knew without a shadow of a doubt how loved I was. My parents loved me so much they wanted me to be the best I could be.

Dragongirl10 Sun 10-Jul-16 12:17:27


It is time for her to grow up a bit, she really needs to either be seriously saving substantial amounts for a flat deposit, or to move out in to a rented property and make your other DCs life better.

I am probably biased though as by 21 l was in my own first flat (with a lodger and working 2 jobs 70 hours a week to pay the mortgage)......

Admitedly this meant no holidays, new clothes and a very old car for 5 years, but after 26 l was set up well for the future, no need for the lodger though kept one to build savings, bought a tiny investment property and rented it out, and l had no financial help from family and no partner.

It was undoubtedly the best decision l have ever made, and has allowed me to do everything else...but it was very hard work . Much better to do that in your 20s.

It is very selfish for her to ignore the strain on yourself and other Dcs, if it was my daughter l would sit her down and tell her how lucky she is to have a great income and not to waste it as she cannot live at home for ever and needs to think of both others and her future.

Time to put your foot down firmly Op...good luck

WickedLazy Sun 10-Jul-16 12:20:15

"She 25 earns over £40k a year. 4 holidays this year. Brand new car."

She's being very selfish! Has been on 4 holidays and had a brand new car, but can't get a deposit on a rental sorted? She can afford to live alone, but is taking up space you need and making things awkward for her brothers. Could she flat share if she's afraid of living alone?

PeppasNanna Sun 10-Jul-16 12:22:40

She says I care more about the younget dc etc. Really guilt trips me. sad

I left home at 17. It was a different world back in the 80's!!

She feels she should be able to stay at home until shes saved a deposit. She's not saved a penny but has about £10k in a savings account from her grandparents.

PotteringAlong Sun 10-Jul-16 12:24:23

Then if she wants to save for a deposit she needs to do that. 4 holidays isn't saving. She needs to walk the walk as well as talking the talk.

JudyCoolibar Sun 10-Jul-16 12:24:31

Stop trying to keep the younger ones quiet. There really is no reason to do so. If she complains, point out that there is a very easy remedy for her.

PeppasNanna Sun 10-Jul-16 12:24:49

Shes not afraid of living alone, its about money. She doesn't want to spend her money!

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