AIBU? (I'm sure I probably am)(36 Posts)
First of all, this isn't a massive deal - I love my OH, he's lovely, so good to me in every way so I feel bad even having a slight issue. it's just a petty row, but I either need someone to say they can see my point or give me a virtual slap and tell me to get a grip on myself (I am in a very rubbish personal situation at present and am suffering with depression/anxiety and don't often feel myself)
I've not met my OH's friends, any of them...it's important to me, he lives a 2/3 hour drive away from his hometown where all his friends are but often goes to see them for big nights out (male and female all together, sometimes just the boys) he's been to a couple of weddings the last few weekends which I haven't been invited to because we weren't together at time of invite (no issue with this what so ever, always happy for him to do as he pleases) however during/after each wedding/night out he says "everyone was asking where you were and when they're going to meet you/wish you were here blah blah" so last weekend I went to his hometown with him so we could spend the weekend together and he could still go to a wedding reception, I would entertain myself and drop him off/pick him up....all good, he called me at 2am to pick him, I comment that it was quite late for a wedding reception....
Him: yeah we went in to town after, everyone was asking where you were
me: sooo, you didn't think to give me a shout? "Babe, stick a dress on and come meet us for a few drinks??" For example?
Him: I'm an idiot, I didn't think, will arrange something soon/invite you next time
I should say I was quite upset, felt a bit pathetic. Pathetic that his mates must wonder why he's keeping me away, pathetic for being bothered about something so trivial and silly
Anyway that was that
Tonight, he texts me at half 6.."babe I'm going to go down to my hometown tonight because I don't want to stay in again" (we weren't seeing each other tonight)
So now I'm annoyed again...I literally don't care about him going on nights out or going places without me, but I'm just irritated that he doesn't THINK, again, that I would like to go and meet his friends...why is he able to drop everything at 6:30pm to go home and have a night out but it's seemingly impossible to make any kind of arrangement that involves me ever?! i know I'm being completely irrational and I don't know how to stop these stupid feelings...I spoke to "healthy minds" at the request of my doctor last week and they were completely unhelpful and I just don't know how to process such nonsense anymore. I miss being normal.
I need a to grow up and get a grip don't I. What's wrong with me?!
How long have you been together? How old is he? (And yourself). Have you met any of his family?
whats wrong is that he doesn't see you as a couple just yet.
I'd be upset too but how long have you been together?
Didn't you post about this a while back?
Yes, how long have you been together?
If it's 6 months or so why not specifically suggest planning a night out so you can meet all his mates, with the premise of the nights out being so that you get to meet people.
It's not unreasonable to be miffed about this (unless you're relationship is super fresh)
How old are you both? Sound incredibly young. First flush of love sort of young.
That said, you need to address your anxiety and depression regardless of your relationship with your partner.
Trying to reply to all so forgive me if I miss anything!
Not posted about this before, in fact I've never posted about this relationship.
We're late 20's....he's not at all immature, and although I know it might send red flags to some there's 100% nothing untoward in it and I know he's not purposely keeping me away so I don't know WHY he just doesn't engage his brain.
We haven't been together all that long, couple of months so I know it's no big deal but it's been a bit of a whirlwind romance and I feel confident in saying this is it for the both of us in terms of our future (this is it in that we in it for the long haul) I have met his parents and his house mate. He's not married.
I am so secure in the relationship, so I just don't know why this is bothering me so much!
The doctor didn't refer me to counselling for any type of relationship issue, but just to do with my other personal issues.
Appreciate I/we sound young - were not, we're a very mature couple in every way (I have kids, I'm not at all petty or silly ordinarily and not is he) this is just a stupid little thing which is giving me the utter rage and I feel pathetic because it's so childish!
Is it possibly a practical issue, maybe he thinks you won't be able to go last minute if you have kids.
It sounds like he is just used to pleasing himself and hasn't adjusted to the "I have a GF to consider" mentality.
I am afraid I was very like this when dp and I first got together. I hadn't long left a very emotionally abusive marriage and having been held hostage in our home for the best part of 7 years I got a bit too hung up on my own freedom.
Dp still hasn't met a lot of my friends! We have been together for 4 years and have a nearly 3 year old. There just hasn't been the right opportunity.
I am not saying you are wrong to feel like you do, but you really need to talk to him face to face and when you aren't pissed off about it.
I have spoken to him, he gets it completely (and was very apologetic after the wedding incident) it's my weekend with the kids this week so I get maybe that's why he didn't ask but I don't know how many more times I can say ASK and I might be able to move things about (kids like to stay at grandparents every now and again so it's always possible) it's just one of those stupid little things that I'm finding incredibly frustrating and am overthinking when I know he's not keeping me hidden away (I trust him without doubt) maybe I'm projecting from the way I've been treated in the past, maybe to just everything else making me oversensitive...I'm glad nobody has said I'm bein completely and utterly ridiculous but I just want to stop being bloody pathetic for no reason. I'm really embarrassed.
He isn't very thoughtful and this would irritate me. I think you can tell a lot about someone by the company they keep, so meeting best/oldest friends is important to me, before a relationship gets too serious.
I would wonder if there was something about his friends he didn't want me to know, or possibly something about me that he didn't want them to know. But maybe that's just me.
I would also be wondering whether his friends couldn't have squeezed you into their weddings - you've been together a few months so he could have given at least a few week or months notice. I was with someone for just a few weeks when I attended a wedding with him - I've more recently heard that he had to beg - having told them 3 months before that he wasn't bringing a +1. It messed up their table plan and pissed their caterer off, but they ultimately let him bring me because he'd told them it was serious.
I would lay it out that you're baffled by his lack of thought, and ask to put a date in your diaries, for very soon, for you to visit his home town and go out with him and his friends.
He has been totally open with you over going to see his friends so it sounds like he has not realised how much this means to you. I don't really understand why this is so important to you but we are all different.
You've been with him for two months, so probably eight weekends in all. That's not very long.
Even though you feel secure in the relationship, visiting his hometown is part of his single routine and he hasn't yet adapted to including you. Some bf's like to be a fully fledged couple straight away, others still retain a single element. It's probably nothing conscious, he has always visited his old mates by himself, so automatically continues to do this.
be careful not to pressurise him too much. It's still a new relationship.
It's only a couple of months so with the non local situation it isn't surprising. Maybe he thinks his mates won't be up to your standards and is in no rush or maybe he's just doing that bloke thing of keeping his life in compartments. As its only a few weeks I'd just wait it out. If after six months nothing has changed that'd be the time to have a firm conversation about it.
I think after 8 weeks it's a bit of an overreaction to say he doesn't EVER consider you. You're still a very new couple.
Why not take the bull by the horns? Arrange for your DC to go to their grandparents the week after next, and then arrange a firm plan with him to go home and meet his friends.
It sounds like they want to meet you too. It will happen in due course. Try and relax in the meantime.
I'm sure I haven't said he never considers me? completely incorrect if I have - he's amazing, treats me in a way I've never been treated and I couldn't be happier! This is the issue I'm having - WHY am I so bothered?! I literally hear how pathetic I sound. I don't know why it's getting to me I really don't! Thank you for all of your replies though, I do appreciate and I feel calmer
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