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To think this is an obvious attempt at guilt tripping?

(46 Posts)
Summersalmostgone Sat 09-Jul-16 19:22:41

Sorry another MIL related one!

MIL lives very far away and visits several times a year for 4-5 days at a time. She was last here 3 weeks ago. She is now asking DH to come back again next month. We don't have any free weekends. I've told DH this and explained what is in our diary.

MIL cannot accompany us to any of the events we have booked in, and I don't really want to go and leave her at home. 1- because DH will be clock watching the entire time wanting to get back. This will make us all on edge and mean the kids won't enjoy the things we have booked. 2- Since DH is at work for all but 2 of the days she will be here I don't see the point in her coming if he is only going to really see much of her on one day.

Anyway during our conversation where I was explaining why I don't think next month will work DH brought up that I had once said I wished I spent more time with my deceased parent while they were still alive.

AIBU or was that unfair? I feel like it was an attempt to make me feel guilty but he denies it.

FYI I saw my deceased parent once a year for a couple of hours so it's hardly the same.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Sat 09-Jul-16 19:34:41

I think your dh was making a clumsy attempt to express his feelings. It sounds like he doesn't want to say no to his mum and wants to make the most of the time he can spend with her. Making reference to your deceased parent was never going to go down well. That was thoughtless.

That said, I agree with you, there's no point her coming this month if you're busy unless one of your weekend plans can be postponed?

The sensible thing would be to arrange the nearest date that is convenient to you all sometime in August.

hmmmum Sat 09-Jul-16 19:38:09

If she comes fairly frequently can she not just come the month after the one in which you're busy?
You have your own stuff on too, and it's not like you never see her.
I think your DH was guilt tripping but he maybe didn't realise he was doing it. He's maybe kind of a "yes" person with his mother? But it's important to have boundaries too.

clam Sat 09-Jul-16 19:42:06

All the more reason for her to come at a time when he's not at work.

StillCounting123 Sat 09-Jul-16 19:42:43

YANBU to be upset, but I also don't think your DH was trying to be rude with how he worded it.

Does your MIL have much else in her life - work, family, hobbies?

Is it possible for you to say, "MIL you can't come then, but we've looked further ahead in our calendar and are are free X, Y, Z dates." Also, is it possible for you to suggest visiting her in her home country to change it up a bit? Not sure if that's possible financially or with the kids, but it could be something that she would appreciate.

Not an easy situation, but it's nice that she's making effort to visit.

Summersalmostgone Sat 09-Jul-16 19:51:56

None of our plans can be postponed as they are other people's events a christening, a birthday party etc.

She tends to throw dates at DH on the phone and want an answer right away. So there's an element of pressure involved. MIL would say she is happy to wait at home for us while we go out but I really don't want to. I know that DH will then be wanting to get back to her and we won't be able to relax and enjoy ourselves.

I'm not really sure what DH is expecting as I am not stopping her from coming at all, but I can't keep our diaries clear just in case.

Plus, if I'm totally honest I do feel like she had only just walked out of the door and that September would be much better all round.

Summersalmostgone Sat 09-Jul-16 19:54:27

Unfortunately we can't visit her as DH doesn't have any AL he can take due to having started a new job. When she visits us he only sees her in the evenings and weekends. Hence it seeming silly for her to come and stay if he isn't going to be around one of the weekend days.

StillCounting123 Sat 09-Jul-16 19:59:40

Well if it doesn't work for you, DH and your DC, then it just won't be happening. She can't expect everyone to drop everything the minute she suggests a date.

I feel your pain, OP. Best to get DH on side and let him deal with her (and any potential sulking she might do).

Summersalmostgone Sat 09-Jul-16 20:06:46

I'm not so much worried about MIL sulking. I'm just puzzled as to why DH would bring up my own parent as if I'm supposed to suggest we cancel our plans to accommodate her.

Buggers Sat 09-Jul-16 20:10:19

That was a bit of a low comment however I think what he means is he doesn't want to feel the same and feel he could have spent more time with her than he did when she goes. But if your busy then your busy, you should plan ahead dates for her to stay to save agro, maybe she could stay for a few more days next visit as she can't stay next month? Does she have other family near her?

Summersalmostgone Sat 09-Jul-16 20:17:51

She has a full life - partner, friends, job so we aren't in any way a lifeline for her.

diddl Sat 09-Jul-16 20:19:19

I think that it was a horrible thing to say.

You have things booked when she wants to be there so it's the fact that you already have commitments so not applicable in this case!

"because DH will be clock watching the entire time wanting to get back."hmm

I wouldn't stand for that at all & I would tell him that's a reason that she shouldn't come-because he will make the rest of you miserable!

Does he think that you should cancel anything that you have planned or go without him?

Oly5 Sat 09-Jul-16 20:22:29

Ah, I think you're being harsh on mil and your DH.
One day she WILL be gone and he'll be wishing he saw her more. He's trying to express his feelings here.
Why can't you give her the first two weekends as options after your busy month?
Make her feel welcome and let your DH have his mother to stay.
I hate the way mumsnet always jumps on the "mil's should bugger off" bandwagon

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 09-Jul-16 20:25:56

Because DH will be clock watching the entire time wanting to get back to his Mummy.

Bloody Hell! Is he five?

I think you should be seeing a lot less of her rather than more.

Penfold007 Sat 09-Jul-16 20:27:09

Your DH is expressing his FOG. He isn't able to be around for his DM so needs to go back to her with dates when he will be available.

diddl Sat 09-Jul-16 20:29:44

I mean it should be simple, shouldn't it?

"Can I visit on XYZ?"

"No, we got stuff planned"

"OK, let me know what suits you then"

If you want to stay with someone, it surely has to be when they can accommodate you?

HarryPottersMagicWand Sat 09-Jul-16 20:34:28

YANBU. I think your DH was trying to make you feel guilty into saying yes to whatever she wants. My MIL does this, works out when it is convenient for her and wants an answer from us straight away. Our lives are a bit more than waiting around for her to decide she wants to see us. If we have plans, then we say no and arrange it for a time when we are free.

Just say "this doesn't work at all DH, but we are free this time if she wants to come then".

Summersalmostgone Sat 09-Jul-16 20:36:38

Oly you seem to be jumping to conclusions. I've not once said she cannot visit at all. I just merely pointed out to DH that we aren't free any weekend during the month she requested. It's not about " letting" her come and stay but DH and the kids wouldn't be here for the majority of her visit, so what would be the point?

If DH wants to work out other suitable dates with her that's fine. But that's for him and her to arrange, not me.

In any case this thread is an AIBU about DH not ZmIL!

Wolpertinger Sat 09-Jul-16 20:37:10

I think it was a horrible thing to say but it sounds like your DH didn't think it through when he said it.

Most people wish they had seen their deceased parents more when they were alive (if you didn't, you wouldn't be grieving) but very few actually take steps to do it, even after health scares etc as their lives are very busy already. It doesn't mean they don't care - I love my mum very much but even after my dad has died I and numerous resolutions to phone her more often, I'll be honest, I still don't do it.

So you shouldn't feel guilty about how much you saw your parents - and neither should your DH about his mum.

His mum's visits are for the benefit of him and the kids - not you - so they should be arranged for when they are there, not when she is hanging out with you.

Would booking another visit before she leaves work? Or when she phones, you both agreeing that you will take her dates and call her back when you have spoken to each other but never give her an answer on the spot?

Summersalmostgone Sat 09-Jul-16 20:40:55

Sorry what's FOG?

The parties we are going to are the kind that could end up going on late. I want us to be able to go with the flow. If MIL is sat at home by herself I know DH will feel rude and think that we should leave by a certain time so as to still get time with her. And he would be that way with any visitor we had left in our home.

Howmuchisthatdoggyinthewindow Sat 09-Jul-16 20:43:05

I think this is quite sad. She must have a reason she wants to come if she has a job and partner back home. Could it be she actually likes your company and that of her son and wants to see you all?
I can see it isn't so great for you if you don't like her much and your DH is working and she is home with you but I assume he gets to eat an evening meal with her and chat at the end of the day?
Are your events all two dayers? If the christening is a sundaycouldnt she come wed- sat?

Regretting not having seen more of our loved ones when they die is such a comment statement that your DH was clumsily saying he doesn't want this to be him too and as it seems it is you saying no not him then he was just trying to express that.

I feel a bit sad for your DH tbh. Maybe be kind OP and let her come, it can't put you out that much can it?

Summersalmostgone Sat 09-Jul-16 20:44:48

I didn't see my parent much because they were ill for a long time and withdrew from everybody. So it wasn't solely lack of effort. I just feel it was unkind of DH to have turned my words around and sort of used them against me to make me out to be the bad guy? His mum visits 3 or 4 times a year for 4-5 days. Which I think is frequent given the distance.

DinosaursRoar Sat 09-Jul-16 20:44:59

I would instead give him a list of dates you are free, including earlier ones, and later ones. Get him to call her back and say "looking at the diary, X doesn't work at all, we've got things on all month, but I've got a list of weekends we can do before and after, shall we go through them and see if you are able to do any of them?" That's what a normal relationship would be like.

I agree that next time, you book her next visit in before she leaves, make a point of saying you'll do this when DH is around on an evening so you can get it sorted.

Summersalmostgone Sat 09-Jul-16 20:48:19

She comes because she wants to see her son and grandkids. I haven't ever said I resent that? Not sure why some posters are saying I'm unfair?

As I've said yes she could still visit, but it's a long way to come, and a lot of money to spend when DH isn't home until 7pm for 3 days of her visit and then nobody is home for one entire day.

MapMyMum Sat 09-Jul-16 20:49:53

My in laws ALWAYS come down when dh is at work, really pisses me off as Ive seen more of them in the last few years than dh has and I dont like them (grit my teeth and hold my breath to get through it all).
Tell him he will get to see more of his mum another time, after all he wants to make sure he sees lots of her befote she dies, and he cant do that if hes working and/or out...

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