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To ask how you envision your relationship with your children to the future? 

(15 Posts)
MrsMedlock Sat 09-Jul-16 09:45:30

I posted yesterday about how my relationship with my parents is not how I would like it to be. So many responses detailing similar situations left me saddened. I know this is a massive generalisation but it seems that in some cultures the  family unit is a lot closer whereas in typical Western families there is a huge emphasis on being ultra independent rather than co-existing together. The saying 'it takes a village' seems obsolete now, at least on my family anyway. It makes me want to ask the question of how to do you picture your life when your DC have children of their own? I would like to be very involved but not interfering or overbearing, I wouldn't want to be more involved than what was wanted ifyswim. I just think that grandparents can be such a wonderful addition to your life and I want to be as helpful and supportive as I can be when my DC become parents themselves. I wouldn't want my children to feel like they couldn't call on me for emotional support and sometimes practical help. I'm not talking about looking after them all the time, just being present and making the effort. I think my parents have never really enjoyed doing things that children want to do, it was like that when j was growing up. I adore doing things with my DC so guess there's are fundamental difference there. I feel like there's another part to this question but I will do a separate post.. 

MrsMedlock Sat 09-Jul-16 09:46:05

Sorry *in the future blush

Brokenbiscuit Sat 09-Jul-16 09:53:48

My own family is very close. My parents are incredibly supportive and happy to help whenever they can. I try not to abuse that by taking it for granted, but if I'm stuck, I know that I can at least ask. They help with the practical stuff as well as providing emotional support, but they never interfere and only offer their opinions on parenting issues when asked. My dd has a fabulous relationship with her grandparents and treats their house like a second home.

I feel that I'm really lucky to have this relationship with my parents. I hope some day to have a similar relationship with my dd.

allowlsthinkalot Sat 09-Jul-16 11:49:54

I would like my main relationship to be with my children and never bypassing them to develop a relationship with their children, if that makes sense at all.

I hope I will respect them as separate individuals and that they will want contact with me and enjoy my company. I hope we will be friends.

branofthemist Sat 09-Jul-16 12:21:39

I am close to my parents. But am not dependent on them.

My dbro isn't close and is very dependent on them. Especially financially and for childcare. He also resents them because he needs their help also. Dbro and his wife won't even take their own kids to the supermarket and get mum and dad to have them.

Mum and dad are starting to get fed up of having to help them out 5 days out of 7, but being met with nastiness and being told they don't do enough.

I think it's possible to be close but also been independent. I talk to my mum most days, even just a quick text. But don't expect them to take part in my daily life and have to do things for me. I know if I did need something they would do what they could.

I would like a similar relationship with my kids. But I haven't set any expectations as I have no idea what the future holds for any of us

ClopySow Sat 09-Jul-16 12:39:29

I'm close to my parents but we have a complicated relationship. They're very involved with my sons.

My sons are teenagers now. We're a close, loving little unit, but i've already accepted that they're going to leave within the next 5 years or so and i won't get to be a big part of their lives. I'm trying now to build some kind of life for myself that means there won't be a huge gap when they go.

Jesus. I feel sad after writing that.

pinkbraces Sat 09-Jul-16 12:43:50

I don't recognise the 'independent' family unit so often seen on mumsnet.
My family includes siblings, parents, in laws and of course DC and DH. We are all very close and that's how it will be when mine have kids.
I would hate to have the distant families so many people seem to have.

marriednotdead Sat 09-Jul-16 12:47:48

I had a very dysfunctional childhood and now have quite a distant and polite relationship with my mother which is more than she deserves.
She has barely seen her DGC and could pass them in the street without recognising them.

My eldest moved out when she started work but has returned with her DP and my toddler GS in order to save to buy their own home.

My relationship with DD is warm and open, and whilst respectful as friends, there is no subject we wouldn't discuss, even if it were uncomfortable. I couldn't have coped with them all living in such close proximity otherwise.

Now we all live together, I leave them to parent DGS, helping out/babysitting sometimes with a one day per week permanent childcare commitment. I see my primary relationship to be around as her mother, but never to interfere- I strive not to get in the way. Have read way too many threads on here to overstep the mark grin

I cannot tell you how much I adore DGS, I had the privilege of being at his birth smile

I didn't have good parenting role models so have had to forge my own way and hope for the best. I have always felt that if I instilled the core belief of treating others as you would be treated, it would somehow convey the kind of person I always wanted to become and for them to be inspired by.

Shouldwestayorshouldwegonow Sat 09-Jul-16 12:51:37

I think there's so much bollocks talked about western cultures not being close.

We are close to all our grown up kids. My teen dds are ace and we are very close. We respect our boundaries but when needed are always there for each other.
My older sons are also close and we help with child care.

We text each other at least once a day and we are very fond of all their partners.

The kids are close to each other too and it's the strong happy unit we hoped and planned for.

lalalalyra Sat 09-Jul-16 12:58:34

I hope it's like my MIL's relationship with us. I know I can phonePIL day or night and if we need them they'd be there, and it's the same for them. They know we'd never take the piss out of them (BIL's ex wife got furious once because MIL wouldn't give up her two day a week job to childmind - even though MIL was happy to take her DGD on any of the other three days). They've put a lot of effort into being a part of our lives - they have an individual relationship with each of the children which they've cultivated by spending time with them doing things they each like to do. Today for example they have out my twin girls (technically not their GD's, but treated equally) and the two youngest off to a swimming activity that I couldn't take them too.

They are respectful of our parenting. I know they don't always agree 100%. They'll offer advice when there is an issue, but never have any problem if it's not heeded (and sometimes it has been because they offer good advice about teenage boys!).

I once commented to MIL that I probably wasn't what she was expecting or wanting for her son - two children, lots of emotional baggage, the family from hell - and she said "You make my son happy, that's the only thing I ever wanted for him" and she actually meant it. I hope I have that relationship with mine.

OhHolyFuck Sat 09-Jul-16 13:35:14

My thinking was that if like children fairly young (had DSs at 23 and 25) so that I could help them out/be an involved grandparent as they got older
Ex-DPs mum and dad had both died by the time he was 23 and I'm nc with my mother but due to her various illnesses she was never an interested grandparent either.

I'd like to be involved in their lives without being stifling and that they know there's always a hot meal/bed for the night/listening ear if they need it but ultimately their lives are theirs.

I'd also like to be a good mil, hear so many horror stories on here that it's good to learn what not to do! I want to be accepting and supportive of their partner, whoever they may be, as long as my kids are happy and respected/safe in that relationship

I'd like them to come for the family Christmas dinners sometimes and keep in touch, text or phone call most weeks say, but I'm conscious of being demanding/overbearing

Mainly I want them to know I love them and that I'm here as they grow up, in whatever form they may need.

insan1tyscartching Sat 09-Jul-16 13:51:35

I lost my mum when I was seventeen and my Dad's life seemed to be overrun with the woman he married, so although I loved him dearly, his wife was very good at ensuring my siblings and I were kept at arm's length. He died when I was thirty so most of my adult life I didn't have parents and I have never been close to my siblings.
My older children are adults now and I love having a good relationship with them.I make sure I'm not overbearing and offer what support I can when needed. They all seem pretty happy with me anyway and make the effort to keep in touch and spend time with me just because they want to. I'm hoping this continues as they have families of their own,at least from reading MN I've got an insight as to what will infuriate their wives and girlfriends so can make sure I don't hopefully wink

bakingaddict Sat 09-Jul-16 14:09:14

Everything isn't as it seems regarding cultures. In a lot of Asian cultures children are often left with GP's while parents work overseas for years or sent overseas for study. My previous childminder hadn't seen her kids for 3 years. You do whatever it takes to make your family work but I don't think any culture has the monopoly on 'closeness' things are just done differently

Kwirrell Sat 09-Jul-16 17:59:10

I had a very poor relationship with my mother.. I always feared that my children would dislike me when they were adults. From what I have seen on here this a common worry for people who did not have a good parental role model themselves.

Fortunately my adult children are still in my life and we have a very good and loving relationship.

I am not very proud of many things in my life except for this. Despite my own upbring, I have raised 3 children who support their partners, are kind and loving parents, and embrace and care for all family members.

Just be the very best mum you can be, you will reap the reward.

BackforGood Sat 09-Jul-16 18:13:21

So much depends on the practicalities - do they live close / 2-3 hours drive / another country.......... are you still at work........... do they work ft....... are you still fit and healthy.......... are you actually a 'baby person'.......... if retired, are you involved in lots of other things or a bit lonely without them......... and so on. It's very difficult to know.

I do think it's a massive over generalisation to say western families aren't close though.

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