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AIBU?

To be worried about my brother?

16 replies

notfornothing · 07/07/2016 21:46

He's 26, lives at home (parents are mostly away ), never had a girlfriend, never had a job.
Has graduated with ba finally after changing schools and subjects and being a year late.

He doesn't like talking to other people, strangers I mean, even if it's to ask something in a shop for example.
He has friends and a hobby that's pretty much men only.

Before anyone says, i don't think he's gay. I thinkhe likes girls but either his bar is very high and/or he's too shy doesn't get out much.
Doesn't drink (which is not a negative), doesn't go out to clubs, bars etc
He does not have any MH issues (as far as we can tell of course), just socially awkward i think.

I feel like the older he gets the harderit becames to "start life" - to get a job, to find a job, to socialise.
How could i help him, if at all? Or should we just let him be?

OP posts:

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NavyAndWhite · 07/07/2016 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beeziekn33ze · 07/07/2016 21:53

He's got friends and a hobby, not a bad start! If he's having trouble finding a job he could fill his time and build his confidence with volunteer work.

notfornothing · 07/07/2016 21:56

I don't think he's happy, because everyone in the family keeps mentioning to him about getting a job etc
Nobody talks about the lack of girlfriend but my mum is worried about that.

He seems frustrated, sometimes a bit depressed, not clinically depressed, just down iyswim

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notfornothing · 07/07/2016 21:57

I don't think he wants to volunteer, he is very picky about the job. He would not want a job that requires talking to customers or new people regularly

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Blink1982 · 07/07/2016 22:11

He's only 26. I'd leave him be. Two of my male friends literally were 30 y o virgins at home with mum n dad. They both found girlfriends at 34 and are married a year later. Also my dp doesn't like speaking to ppl in shops or even ringing companies and such.

I'm not sure it matters when he graduated either.

I wouldn't worry. He has friends and leaves the house.

problembottom · 07/07/2016 23:05

Based on my experiences with shy family members I'm going to go against the grain and say he needs a firm push as it sounds like his life is on hold. If he's not happy then finding a job and moving out could be the making of him.

BackforGood · 07/07/2016 23:18

I too think someone that young needs to be working - even if its something he's not keen on, or volunteering with somethong he is keener on. Its not going to come knocking at the door so if he doesn't push himself to get out and about each day i think it wkll become harder and harder for him.
There zre SO many places he could volunteer that aren't customer facing.

notfornothing · 07/07/2016 23:30

The thing is that parents want him to get a job and get paid. They are sick of paying for everything.
I also think my parents have been too soft for too long - buying him all he needs/wants basically. He's got a good car, brand new bike, computer, tv, playstation, new iPhone, smartwatch etc.... It's actually pissing me off a bit. Perhaps I'm jealous as i never had that. I left home when i was 19 and have been working since and paying for my own stuff I figure this is normal...
I think they are enabling him, there's no motivation if he's gets all he wants without doing a days work

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BackforGood · 08/07/2016 00:09

Well, from that post it does sound like they are enabling him, and, quite frankly I'd be resentful too.

Blink1982 · 08/07/2016 00:26

I would expect your mum n dad to pay at all. He needs to be actively looking for something. But the rest of it, I would leave him to get on with.

JessieMcJessie · 08/07/2016 01:21

Did he go away to University or live at home throughout?

The social awkwardness is perhaps just part of his character, but the reluctance to earn his own money will never make him attractive to women so if your Mum wants him to get a girlfriend she needs to stop bankrolling him. She can't have it both ways.

Rainbowqueeen · 08/07/2016 01:50

If your parents do all that for him, no wonder he still lives at home and is reluctant to change!!

I agree the social awkwardness may just be part of him but the rest he can do something about. Are your parents willing to set a deadline for him to have a job and start paying his way or move out. I can't see anything changing unless they change how they treat him

notfornothing · 08/07/2016 14:20

Thanks for your comments!

My mum did set a deadline, it was 1st January this year. Nothing happened, nothing changed.
Ultimately i feel it's my parents who need to make the change if he himself is not willing, but they don't like it when i say anything.
So perhaps just shut up and let him be, at least his not living off me, right...
Except he's my brother and i'd like him to be happy in life and I don't think he is.

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notfornothing · 08/07/2016 14:25

He lived at home during uni, it was only a 20min drive (with the car dad bought him and the petrol mum paid for)

This last bit clearly came off as resentful, i guess i am a bit.
When i left home at 19 I went to a different country, had £90 in my pocket had to find a place to live snd a job.
No money to buy food, lived off 8p tinned food from lidl etc.
I feel like i had to do it all by myself and I don't regret it, but he is grown up not really understanding the value of things

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JessieMcJessie · 08/07/2016 17:18

Such a shame he didn't go away to University. It's a great opportunity to try out independent life (without havng to be really fully independent) learn social skills and try out relationships. Not much you can do about that now but, again, if your parents didn't encourage him to fly the nest at that time then they really should not be surprised he is somewhat behind socially.

There must be plenty of jobs which allow a person of limited confidence to avoid interaction with the public, or demanding clients etc, but even such a job would at least involve interaction with colleagues and get him a bit more socially comfortable. Have you talked to him about what he'd like to do and what his degree will equip him for? Maybe steer him towards jobs outside your local area?

mortgagefreesoon5 · 08/07/2016 19:51

Hi, haven't read all the answers, sorry, but my brother sounds very similar, and he has been diagnosed with social anxiety. Because he is 27, and not underage, he'll need to cooperate, and go to his gp, who then can refer him to a psychologist/ psychiatrist.
He can get better and he'll need support.
Good luck

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