To wish evil on a 13 year old bully

(41 Posts)
WelliesAndPyjamas Thu 07-Jul-16 14:30:07

Background.
My son was bullied by a former friend for a few months in year 7. It went from small scale derogatory comments, criticism, and bizarre bouts of anger during online gaming to throwing stones, tripping up, shoving, name calling, playing 'adult' mobile phone content at him, and managing to get a lot of the year group to join in the pisstaking of a particular aspect of my son's appearance. A lot of it was happening at the bus stops (so outside of school), some of it online, some of it in school corridors and in lunch breaks (so out of sight of teachers of course!).
To begin with we stopped the online gaming and advised him to try some distance and avoidance but the other boy (and another boy) kept finding him wherever he went at lunchtimes for pisstaking and shoving. In addition, it was extra awkward because ds was getting a lift home from the bus stop with this other boy, and I was friends with the mum, so difficult for ds to avoid him and difficult to tackle the matter without causing problems (with hindsight, I wish I had but knew deep down she would absolutely not believe me, based on her personality and things she had said about her other children in the past). After a while we asked the year group tutor to have a chat with the boys and try some mediation. DS understood that the other boy did not want to be friends with him any more but felt he wasn't allowed to move on in peace. The tutor called Ds in and absed on what she heard then, instead of mediation, called in the other two boys and bollocked them. Not quite what we had in mind and the fallout was awful. The bullying got worse, especially at bus stops, the other boy told all their mutual friends that ds had lied and had actually been bullying him so everyone stopped talking to ds, and obviously the boy's mum would not talk with me and some mutual friends have blanked me ever since. The incidents at the bus stops were getting really worrying and I was getting scared for his safety. The other boy was seriously angry at being caught out and being used to having his own way, was obviously taking it out on ds. I arrrived to pick up ds from the bus stop one day and caught the brat throwing stones and calling names, all without realising he was in sight of a pub's CCTV camera!
We got ds a place at another school and he gradually came back to being his normal happy self, mature and confident, and has plenty of normal good friends.
Here's the twist. Shortly after getting him a new school place I was contacted by an older pupil at the old school with some mobile phone footage of a couple of the incidents at the bus stops. Not sure why they never passed it on to the school at the time, considering they must have been concerned enough to have filmed it discretely in the first place, but they wanted me to have it to give it to the school to help my son. But I didn't take it...I guess the whole thing had been so very upsetting, and my son by then had his place in a better school, that I wanted to put the whole thing behind us and move on. Not a day has gone past that I haven't wondered if it was the right thing. I feel like it was the right, morally correct thing to do, to take the high road. My son had not answered any questions from old friends about what happened, done an excellent job at being the better person, and I felt I had to do the same, and not carry the need for revenge forward with me. A few days ago we saw that boy at a community event, for the first time since it all happened. It brought it wll back, especially when my son was totally blanked by all his old friends, and this boy, along with another brat, kept staring at my son, sniggering behind their hands, and other behaviour quite unbecoming of 13 year olds.
So I know I am in a period of renewed anger at how nasty that former friend was, at how his parents refused to believe he did anything wrong (despite corroboration and confessions from his 'accomplices'!), and at how my son has been socially outcast in our village life for being a victim who talked...but I now really wish that mobile phone footage would turn up on facebook so that evidence of what really happened can be seen by everyone. Does this make me a bit evil?!

MammaTJ Thu 07-Jul-16 14:42:41

I don't think that thinking about it makes you evil! I certainly have had bad thoughts about the girls who have bullied my 10 year old DD!

Posting it on FB, probably dodgy ground! Even though I know you do not have the videos in your possession, don't be tempted!

Maybe try to pass it onto the school though!

WelliesAndPyjamas Thu 07-Jul-16 14:47:41

Oh, no, don't get me wrong, I don't mean that I would post them grin just that the evil part of me wishes that the teenager might be bored over the summer holidays and might wish to leak the footage! I know it won't actually happen. They were a good kid to care enough to film it and identify it was turning really nasty, so chances are they wouldn't do something like post it on facebook. I'm not tempted to pass it to the school either. The brat is their problem now, not mine, and with his inclinations will probably end up in trouble for the same thing again.

CaptainCrunch Thu 07-Jul-16 14:55:43

Sorry but I would have taken the footage and passed it straight to the police and your ds former school, I don't understand why you didn't considering the level of abuse he was put through. He won't stop at your son, no doubt he and his gang are terrorising someone else now who might be helped if you came forward.

WelliesAndPyjamas Thu 07-Jul-16 15:03:09

I know you are right captaincrunch and I'm not proud of it. All I can say is that it was a truly horrible time and we just wanted it to be over. We live in a small community, lots of overlaps, too many opportunities for things to get worse if I had done something with the footage. The most important thing in the world at that time was that my son had moved somewhere safer and with better behaviour, that he was able to start sleeping again, stop feeling sick with worry all the time, and regain his totally demolished self confidence. I have to work on a professional level with this brat's mum, communicate with her a f times a week, and see her at least once a week, and I needed to move on in order to carry on (although hopefully it won't be for too much longer).

CaptainCrunch Thu 07-Jul-16 15:11:59

It must have been horrendous, hopefully karma will find a way flowers

MarthaElf Thu 07-Jul-16 15:12:01

As Mum of a child age 13 currently out of school for similar reasons with a new school in September I fully understand why you would want to post it.

For me if they had still mocked dd at an event (as has also happened with dd) i think i would be finding a way to post it on a local Facebook page under another name.

But admittedly I have the same anger as you currently and not the best to advise...

WelliesAndPyjamas Thu 07-Jul-16 15:23:41

Thank you captaincrunch x

Marhaelf, it is the most frustrating anger. I feel for you. You are where I was a year ago. Seeing the same type of behaviour repeated publicly last week made it all come back. How dare they keep getting away with it. But the pride I feel at my son, who just ignored them and helped his little sister have a lovely time at the stalls, well, that outweighs the anger. I have the son who will grow in to a fantastic and considerate man. Wishing your dd happiness in her new school. flowers

kali110 Thu 07-Jul-16 15:32:52

I don't think i would blame you in the slightest. Nasty little bullies.
Hope your son is doing better

Zarah123 Thu 07-Jul-16 15:45:25

YANBU for wanting to take action now.

I'm not sure why you let your son continue getting a lift from someone in a situation where he was exposed to bullying. It sounds like you didn't want to harm your friendship with the other boy's mum?

Lymmmummy Thu 07-Jul-16 17:14:47

Oh God do feel for you

Firstly you did the right thing in moving schools secondly your son sounds v sensible in terms of wanting to move on abs not allowing the episode to define him

I am not sure why you did not accept the footage offered at the time as to be honest you could probably have by passed the school and gone straight to the police

If you are that concerned perhaps recontact the boy who offered it to you - or just move on

As a parent bullying at this level is our worst nightmare - in hindsight there are things perhaps you wish you had done differently but you know you did get an awful lot right for your son. I think it's almost worse when friendship sours as this seems to create the very worst type of bullying

CoraPirbright Thu 07-Jul-16 17:36:14

How long ago were you offered the footage? Could you still get hold of it? If yes, I would keep it on my phone & if anyone pointedly blanked me, I would say "excuse me - can I just show you this?" Then when they had viewed it, I would say "if the reason you are blanking me is rumours you have heard about us, please would you kindly have a think about what I have just shown you. We have been through the most awful awful time & are heart broken about how we are being portrayed". Then they have a more accurate version of events. I just couldn't let it lie but then I am like a dog with a bone!

WelliesAndPyjamas Thu 07-Jul-16 22:12:45

I like your style, Corapirbright! I would actually love to do that, in my mind. In reality, I am not confrontational enough. Don't get me wrong, I am bloody firm and will not let anyone get away with shit but I do it politely and with a smile!

I don't know. Part of me would like to get that footage now. Part of me is glad that, until this recent encounter, we had totally moved on, proud and happy that ds is the person he is meant to be. I wanted to leave it behind me then when I said no to it. Perhaps I should hold on to that. Even if no one knows it, it still makes me the better person, and my son the more mature and kind child.

WelliesAndPyjamas Thu 07-Jul-16 22:16:17

Zarah123, the lift sharing stopped as soon as the full picture came to light. And the worse stuff (stone throwing, shoving, tripping up etc etc) all started after my son told his tutor about what had been going on, so it was revenge or punishment bullying by the boy after he had got in trouble. There was nothing we could do about being on the same bus and bus stops though unfortunately but believe me, we moved heaven and earth as a family to minimise the opportunities for that bully and his pals to come in to contact with ds outside school. Horrid times, hate thinking about the fear.

Zarah123 Thu 07-Jul-16 22:26:03

Understood, OP.

Bad people get away with doing bad things sometimes. It's a lesson we all eventually learn the hard way, I think (I certainly did).

I hope you and your DS are able to put it behind you completely. Hopefully the bully will feel remorse one day.

WelliesAndPyjamas Fri 08-Jul-16 10:31:42

So true. It's a hard lesson to learn but sadly, it's the way of the world.

I hope he feels remorse....but I doubt it. I've known the child for long enough to know that that isn't naturally in his personality. He is a clever and an adult pleaser and is great at saying the right things and behaving in the right way to suit his needs. Fair play to him, he will probably go far on it in life, but it won't ever make him a good person.

In the meantime, I can't lie and say I haven't hoped that another bully targets him!!

TrickyD Fri 08-Jul-16 11:27:23

To answer the question in your OP, no you are not even a little bit evil, just a good mum, concerned for her child. flowers

ArmySal Fri 08-Jul-16 11:34:31

Not evil at all.

Hate bastard bullies angry

WelliesAndPyjamas Fri 08-Jul-16 22:30:50

Thanks for the back patting smile

(Yes, I'm mulling this too much but bear with me!) Do you know what's stupid? It's that part of the reason we and DS didn't talk to anyone about what happened was to respect the privacy of a child in a place where everyone kind of know each other hmm and then to be repaid withat same evil brat child telling their mutual that ds was the bully and had made it all up. Ha!

WelliesAndPyjamas Sun 10-Jul-16 12:42:18

If my son had done the things that boy did, especially if there was proof (in the form of other pupils' reports, as well as the footage) I would have been utterly mortified and would have made my son apologise profusely followed by being grounded for an awfully long time.

Do you know what...I have decided since starting the thread that if fate throws me and that older kid together somehow (in town, at the supermarket, whatever) I think I will ask for the mobile ohone footage and keep it in reserve. Sod it. I've had enough of doing the morally correct things grin And from now if anyone asks me what on earth happened last year, I won't say that it's better forgotten about for the sake of both the boys, I will tell people the truth. Last year, the whole thing broke us and we just wanted it all over with. The behaviour of that boy the other day (no change, more of the same infantile and nasty crap) has lit a fire in me.

BerriesandLeaves Sun 10-Jul-16 12:45:01

YA definitely NBU

WelliesAndPyjamas Fri 15-Jul-16 21:22:52

Just read this on another thread and thought it was spot on:
like with bullying, only people with a black heart see so many faults in others
So true. He was not happy in himself and imo had probably been picked on by his older brothers. Not that it excuses what he did.

So, despite my motherly inclination towards hating the little shit still grin I know our hearts are not black, we are people who care and do good things for others. I sleep easy grin

WelliesAndPyjamas Sat 13-Aug-16 22:29:30

Update. Saw the kid who offered me the footage yesterday but I didn't ask them for it. Not sure why but it could be that I am in a very happy place at the mo - whole family having a lovely happy summer - and I don't want thoughts of that bullying brat to intrude.

user1466795981 Sat 13-Aug-16 22:37:27

Quite right WelliesAndPyjamas - glad you're feeling better bout everything.

HerdsOfWilderbeest Sat 13-Aug-16 22:39:13

YANBU. But... let's say you did have the mobile phone footage and let's say you went to the police with it....your son would have to relive all of that shitty time, endless interviews, the other boys being spiteful in the street etc. Do you think the reason you didn't take it was because you wanted to protect him from more upset?

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