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So confused I cannot think straight

(24 Posts)
Midnightnamechange Thu 07-Jul-16 02:03:13

Please help tell me if I'm being unreasonable. I'm so tired and emotional I can't think straight.

When I get up in the morning I have to get ready to go to hospital to have surgery to deal with a missed miscarriage. This is my second miscarriage. I have an 8 month old daughter.

I'm lying in bed alone with my daughter asleep in the room next door. I have a terrible headache probably from stress and tiredness and being so upset. I'm bleeding and cramping and have been for days which I think is upsetting me too and I'm worrying that I might suddenly miscarry naturally.

I cannot sleep as I'm frightened of the surgery and that something might go wrong and I won't wake up. Or that permanent damage will be done to my future fertility. I'm still grieving and devastated over the loss of a second pregnancy and from the burden that comes from having to hide my grief from my husband as he has shown little sympathy for me and gets irritated if I get upset. I'm angry this has happened to me again and I'm scared for the future and whether I'll be able to give my beautiful daughter the sibling she deserves one day. All this is whirling around in my head along with all the things I have to get ready for tomorrow so that my mum can look after my daughter and worrying that she'll be ok. I have no one to share or talk about my feelings so instead am lying here crying alone.
My parents are amazing but they'll be fast asleep now.

Where is my "darling" husband in all this? He has chosen to go out with his friends tonight and is still not home. I haven't even heard from him once this evening since he rang at about 5 to inform me he was out. He couldn't possibly have thought that maybe just maybe tonight wasn't the night to go out with my friends drinking until the early hours. That maybe my wife might need me.

Aibu to think that is not a marriage? That he cannot love me as you wouldn't treat someone you love and respect like this? And Aibu to think actually maybe I don't care anymore and that I'm better off alone as I am alone anyway. He has form for going out and behaving like this. I do wonder, that if I walk away, will all his friends be there every night of the week, all weekend and all holidays to go out drinking with him. Or will they be too busy playing happy families with their own families and maybe only then will he realise that he's lost his wife and a proper relationship with his daughter.

I have decided I do not want him to come with me to hospital tomorrow. My dad had offered so I will ring him in the morning and ask him to come with me.

But i just need to know - am I overreacting (as he will no doubt tell me I am in the morning) or would others feel this way too?

Gingernut81 Thu 07-Jul-16 02:25:24

No, I don't think you're over-reacting. I'd expect my husband to be there for me and I know he would be. He sounds incredibly insensitive.
I hope you manage to get some sleep soon flowers

Somerville Thu 07-Jul-16 02:28:28

Oh I'm really sorry. flowers

No you're not over-reacting. Many (most? I think so) women would want their husband beside them during a miscarriage, and certainly not choosing to be out drinking instead.
And even if you did feel more strongly than other women in this, it wouldn't matter because these are your feelings and it is your body going through a traumatic experience with lots of hormonal changes. A person who cares about you would understand some irrationality under these circumstances.

I'm so glad you have supportive parents to call on.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Thu 07-Jul-16 02:35:03

flowers. I'm so sorry for your loss. And. No you're certainly not over reacting at all. However I'm only going to say this once because I Feel I have to. Could him going out drinking be his way of dealing with things.

Midnightnamechange Thu 07-Jul-16 02:52:31

Thank you all. Hormones are probably making me more sensitive than usual, it just would have been nice to have some company tonight, even to just watch a film or the football.

iliveinahouse that is a fair point and something I did consider. But he does this quite often and long before the MC so it's hard to tell.

It's probably just a difficult time and thus making it all seem much worse than it is. Perhaps the cold light of day will bring me some perspective.

Wishfulmakeupping Thu 07-Jul-16 02:56:36

I'm so sorry op and I would feel the same.
Its something that your parents sound very supportive.
Be kind to yourself op x

Bellyrub1980 Thu 07-Jul-16 03:07:01

Sorry you're going through this. Being alone with an 8 month old baby is hard enough, but with the grief of a miscarriage, it must be unbearable.

FWIW, if my daughter was lying awake feeling the way you do right now, I'd want her to call me.

You are perfectly justified to feel the way you do. You are not over reacting. And yes, he probably will say you are.

I know of 2 friends whose partners went out drinking immediately after the onset of a miscarriage. In both cases they later admitted they were grieving too but couldn't face the reality of the situation. Could this be the case with your husband? Not that his behaviour deserves any sympathy, but could that be the reason behind it?

Do you have any painkillers?

SylvieB74 Thu 07-Jul-16 03:16:42

This is so bad I'm so sorry 🙁 Anyway I wouldn't stop him coming to the hospital just see what happens, also don't make any decisions about your future at the moment. When you're feeling better you should just ask him why he wasn't there for you at a time like this and that he obviously knew you were upset even if he didn't feel it. I think some men don't think of it as a baby until it's here. I lost a baby at 17 weeks a few years ago, it was a terrible time but it didn't affect my husband as much as me. It's good that you have other support from your parents etc, when I told my mum that my baby had died and I had to go and give birth to it after a couple more days she just said 'well I can't pick dd2 up' ... I don't see her any more. Don't worry about the surgery you'll be quite comfortable, and probably on morphine. Then just concentrate on looking after yourself for now, you can sort everything else out later xx

BitOutOfPractice Thu 07-Jul-16 03:17:21

Oh op. First of all I'm very sorry you're going through this. flowers

No, you are not overreacting. It would take quite the insensitive arse not to realise that your wife needs you in a situation like this. And even more of one to be cross with her for being upset.

1AngelicFruitCake Thu 07-Jul-16 03:26:21

Sorry that you're going through this. I'd be so angry and hurt if this was me and I don't understand how he. Can treat you like this. Hope all goes wel xx

Eminado Thu 07-Jul-16 03:47:37

So sorry this has happened.

I had a mmc last year - be very kind to yourself. Please ring your dad in the morning.

I am not going to say what I think of your husband's behaviour as it will be very, very rude and I am not sure if that will make you feel better sad. Having gone through it, all i can say is that I think he is a total and utter arsehole. Grieving or not, his priority should have been you tonight. Hope you are fast asleep now flowers

Rubyblues21 Thu 07-Jul-16 04:09:05

I have sent you a PM, hope you read it.

mathanxiety Thu 07-Jul-16 04:59:55

flowers to you. I had recurrent MCs after DD1 was born.

Your H should not have left you alone even on grounds that you might have had a deterioration in your condition, serious bleeding, etc. He also should have considered the fact that your 8 month old DD could have needed help in the night and you should be getting as much rest as possible. If she needs help then he is the one who should be helping her.

You are facing surgery tomorrow.He will be in no fit state to look after the baby or you.

But on top of all that and maybe even worse is his attitude to your feelings. You have a right to all of your feelings, and you have the right to support from him.

I would postpone any further efforts to have a baby with this man. Indefinitely.

He doesn't sound like much of a prize. If he has turned you into someone who second guesses her own feelings or thinks she is too sensitive or 'hormonal' (because testosterone isn't a hormone, right?) or unreasonable in any way for needing support or expecting her own husband to devote time to his wife and baby, then he most definitely isn't a man to look ahead to growing old with.

Don't make any immediate decisions, but you are not going to change this pattern of behaviour by having more children with him, so please don't plan any more with him.

Aibu to think that is not a marriage? That he cannot love me as you wouldn't treat someone you love and respect like this? And Aibu to think actually maybe I don't care anymore and that I'm better off alone as I am alone anyway.
I don't think YABU at all. I also think that for someone who says she is all over the place/ unable to think straight, you have remarkable clarity about everything and I think you know what the real problem is here.

Call your Dad in the morning. Don't set yourself up for more stress and disappointment with your H.

(Your headache is probably associated with the miscarriage but if it gets really bad, call NHS direct).

Smurfit Thu 07-Jul-16 05:41:56

I'd tend to agree with a previous poster that this is his way of dealing with it and possibly the only way he knows how. From your post, he seems to be the sort that bottles it up. It'd an extremely difficult time for you both so while his way is definitely unfair on you - perhaps try to cut him some slack until you are both rested and can have a calm conversation about it. Just because he is emotionally immature, doesn't necessarily make him a bad person.

Call your mother. I have no doubt that she would want you to.

Charlie97 Thu 07-Jul-16 06:37:20

Hugs for you today, I hope you managed a little sleep last night.

You are not BU, once you are a little recovered, a long conversation needs to be had with your OH.


Midnightnamechange Thu 07-Jul-16 08:27:13

Thank you all. I have read all your posts this morning in between getting DD all organised. I am so grateful people have taken the time to read my long rambling post and respond with such balanced advice.

He rolled in at around 3am and slept on the sofa. He smells of drink and his voice is all croaky - a sure sign it was a heavy night.

Maybe it his way of coping. It very well could be. But it's not an isolated incident and I guess I have to decide if I can be with a man who behaves in this way. It seems to be happening more and more frequently. I think he has a problem with drink in general - he seems to have no off button. Ttc will definitely be on hold now, if not forever.

What math anxiety said really struck a chord with me - I do second guess and query my feelings and reactions to things, I think years of being told you overreact , or that you have no emotional intelligence and don't react to things like normal people do, makes you do that. I don't really have any friends either so it's hard to gauge sometimes for me what is normal behaviour in a marriage and what isn't.

Anyway. I have decided that my priority today is to just get through everything and make sure DD is ok. I will have to start thinking seriously what I want once this is over. I haven't said two words to him today as I know the minute I say anything he will say "here we go again, blah blah and make me feel bad". So best I just keep quiet for now. But no way am I sweeping this under the carpet. We need to talk.

MiscellaneousAssortment Thu 07-Jul-16 08:27:16

Hope today is bearable for you, as much as it can be anyway xxx

Midnightnamechange Thu 07-Jul-16 08:29:35

rubyblue thank you for your kind message, I have just read it. What a thoughtful kind person you are - I really really appreciate your message xxx

Ineedmorelemonpledge Thu 07-Jul-16 08:41:00

Of course you can't think straight, and it's in these situations that you need a strong partner to lean on and do the thinking for you.

Of course it was irresponsible of your DH to leave you with a baby when you were feeling unwell. And then to get himself into an unfit state on a very emotional and tough day for you.

He should be fucking ashamed of himself. And I don't care if it's his way of dealing with things blah, blah, blah...he should be fucking ashamed of himself.

Thank goodness you have your lovely dad to help you through this. It's a shame that it sounds like your daughter won't have the same support in her adult life.

Get through today as best you can, take some time for yourself and think about what you want for the future.

And trust your instincts. I wish I'd had the clarity to trust in mine, instead of putting up with 11 years of shitty misery stemming from self doubt.


Bellyrub1980 Thu 07-Jul-16 08:44:05

Mathanxiety is absolutely on the button.

OP, my partner has never gone to this extreme (thankfully I've never been unwell, had surgery or had a miscarriage) but there was a time where I think he would have done something very similar.

We'd had a stressful year (our house flooded amongst other things) and his reaction to stress is to drink. It's a terrible reaction because it makes him so moody, I was walking on egg shells all the time.

But one day I just had enough. We had a long long conversation. I told him I couldn't go on living that way. He essentially had a choice, sort himself out or we would be over.

I'm pleased to say he HAS changed, he is now getting treatment for depression, he has changed his job and a few other things that were making him unhappy. We also talk a lot more now than we used to. He is back to the man I met.

just wanted you to hear my story so you know a good outcome is possible.

Hope today goes ok and you recover quickly x

Littlepeople12345 Thu 07-Jul-16 09:46:20

I hope today goes ok, look after yourself flowers

hawaiibaby Thu 07-Jul-16 10:03:20

Not overreacting at all.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I have been there and having to have surgery Is an extra burden on an already shitty situation flowers

May I gently suggest you stop ttc for now as your husbands behaviour really is so awful and to not even offer you basic support and to not want you to get upset is very alarming. I think you really need time to recover emotionally and continue to assess whether you want to remain in this marriage.

I'm really sorry and hope you are doing OK after the surgery x

mathanxiety Thu 07-Jul-16 13:03:19

Midnight, I hope today went (or is going) ok, as well as can be expected anyway.

Keep on posting here if you are feeling wobbly afterwards, for a hand hold.


SnakeWitch Thu 07-Jul-16 13:11:16

Thinking of you today OP, sorry you're going through all this and I hope you have some support flowers

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