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Please tell me I'm not the insane one? So fucked off.

(335 Posts)
NopeSorry Wed 06-Jul-16 11:50:30

I have a newborn and 2 other children. I'm seriously sick to death of my mother's thinking.

I always knew her thinking from a teen, but now I've actually got kids in so pissed off.

My son wanted a dress, he's young. Just a fucking dress, I've brought one for him before, he puts it on and then dumps it 3 hours later anyway, there is not a problem. He used it to walk to swimming, it was so easy as it stopped his skin sticking, his words, but was then bored of it. My mother also told my daughter, when she was 5, she needed to keep a top on at the beach, or bikini top.

I'm just fucked off. My perfect sister with her perfect kids who follow all these wonderful gender stereotypes.

She wanted to take my newest baby swimming when older and take the other kids, I said that if my son chooses to walk there with a dress or my daughter doesn't want to have a top on or whatever the duck else that doesn't matter, happens, you need to follow the way I'm parenting and accept it. She said absolutely not and that "I don't want to look after your kids anyway if they don't follow my rules" I am sooo fucked off. I love her so much, but do have very specific rules that I want to do as a parent, I said she had her chance to raise us how you wanted.

AIBU to think that you follow the parents' choice of parenting?? Or not?? I'm just so fucked off with it. I know it's small, but to say that she'd not want to go to the beach with my daughter if she doesn't have a top on as she's embarrassed or whatever, that's the bit that winds me up as how can you feel that strongly that you don't want to see my kid? And the "I'll have (sisters name here) enough times anyway in the near future".

I'm raging and I know you have a lot of these gender threads, but is it enough to not let her take them out on their own? Of course they can see them when I'm there/dad is there. Because when she makes a comment, I can jump right in and stop it. I'm raging that she cares enough to not want to see them. So pissed off. So fucked off.

LaurieFairyCake Wed 06-Jul-16 11:56:30

She cares more about her own embarrassment than seeing them on their own. Lots of people are the same as her - as it will look like she dressed your son in a dress and she can't cope with that.

I think she's wrong, I'm with you.

But you can't change her or take away her embarrassment. So just let her see them when you're there.

flowersflowersflowers - rant away

NopeSorry Wed 06-Jul-16 12:05:13

Thank you. I said as I teen that I won't ever let her see my kids and she used to get pissed off about it. I want her to see my kids of course, but why can't she just follow our parenting style? I'm not understanding why it's so difficult. The fact she's embarrassed is fucking sad.

I remember when he wanted to wear a summers dress to school and my daughter wanted to wear her swim short to school swimming lessons, but neither was allowed, I had to explain how the school has different rules, but that it's okay because family doesn't have those rules and that you can be who they want to be but my fucking mum getting involved and digging her way in. The fact that she brings up my sister's kids. No, fucking no. How she's going to be having them loads anyway? Great, so that means mine don't matter anymore? It's weird, she's very even with them toy wise and stuff, but couldn't give a shit about this? Grrr.

SprogletsMum Wed 06-Jul-16 12:09:09

I think that you can dress your children how you like when they're with you but if someone is providing childcare then it's fair enough for them to ask for children in their care to be dressed according to societal norms.
If you don't like that, don't ask her to babysit. Do you really want someone so narrow minded to look after your children anyway?

NopeSorry Wed 06-Jul-16 12:11:25

When did I say in my post that it's to babysit!? hmm I'm a SAHM, I don't need the childcare... It's because she has asked to take them out

Flisspaps Wed 06-Jul-16 12:18:00

"if someone is providing childcare then it's fair enough for them to ask for children in their care to be dressed according to societal norms."*

Why though? I'd rather my DC were comfortable than an adult who ought to know better wanting then to be dressed a particular way 'just because'. Why does the adults embarrassment trump a child's comfort?

I'm with you OP.?

Dragongirl10 Wed 06-Jul-16 12:24:52

YANBU to want to dress your Dcs/Parent your way, but you do sound very angry in fact furious with your she really so terrible? Are the rather small ( from my viewpoint) conditions she wants enough to start a family WW3?

I would be grateful my parents were happy to spend time taking out my Dcs as long as they were well cared for, fed and watered and spoken to there other issues around her?

VoldysGoneMouldy Wed 06-Jul-16 12:25:23

My 'darling' father said that my DS wearing a dress would turn him gay hmm

I told him to fuck off and helped DS choose a pair of sparkly pink shoes to match.

Tell her to stop being a dick to your children, and to stop crushing their spirit, or she'll no longer be welcome.

NopeSorry Wed 06-Jul-16 12:31:40

You think it's small to say that she doesn't want to look after them? And that she'll be looking after my sister's kids enough anyway? I am furious. My kids are happy with who they are. Happy. I just want them happy, there's enough years in life when you're stressed/self conscious, etc. Why add to them?

PrimalLass Wed 06-Jul-16 12:32:47

I don't see why it is such a big deal to tell your daughter she should wear a top for swimming. She will have to eventually anyway.

NoMudNoLotus Wed 06-Jul-16 12:34:04

Yes I would want my DD to wear a top swimming.

NopeSorry Wed 06-Jul-16 12:34:51

At the beach. You think at 5 when she's sandy and uncomfortable you should shove a top on her? Wonderful.

BeyondCymru Wed 06-Jul-16 12:35:17


BeyondCymru Wed 06-Jul-16 12:35:47

Sorry, why to primal and NoMud, not you op

NopeSorry Wed 06-Jul-16 12:36:44

Tbh, I'd let her wear her swim shorts to the pool, she has done before. Their tops halves are the same until puberty, why is it such an issue? It really winds me up.

Diddlydokey Wed 06-Jul-16 12:39:09

50/50 for me. I wouldn't take my son out in a dress as it's just not necessary. Fancy dress maybe but I wouldn't put him in girls clothes as he is a boy.

I understand the bikini top less - she doesn't have boobs and she doesn't need one apart from keeping warm or sun protection.

HeteronormativeHaybales Wed 06-Jul-16 12:39:30

Why does a 5yo need to wear a top? Why can't she run around in swimming trunks/shorts?

OP, you sound as if a lot of anger from the past is coming out, and it seems there is an issue with your sister as well. What went on when you were growing up?

CodyKing Wed 06-Jul-16 12:40:59

I'm with you. My DD also liked to wear a dress - in school it's often the boys in the princess box because the mom's said no at home. Boys with the dolls and pushchairs because they don't have access if they haven't got sisters

Let him wear what he likes. Most woman wear trousers which challenged the social norm at some point.

And the comparison - that's way out of line.

NopeSorry Wed 06-Jul-16 12:42:06

He was happy in the dress!!

Nothing happened when I was growing up, I wasn't attached to any specific gender toys. I was allowed cars, etc.

She just think that it's her rules and she has an opinion. She doesn't want to have to have one rule for my kids and a different rule to my sister's! So she's going with her own opinion. It just winds me up tbh, as she couldn't give a shit about how my kids felt. I know her views on other things too which wind me up, even though they might never happen. Like when I was annoyed about this as a teen, even though I never knew if it would happen.

ShutTheFuckUpBarbara Wed 06-Jul-16 12:43:23

Little girls wearing a top at the beach is a very British thing.
In France, Spain etc they often wear just swimming knickers until they're pre-teens then move on to a one-piece.

I don't think it's a problem tbh, boys swim topless too!

WorraLiberty Wed 06-Jul-16 12:43:25

Is there anything else going on in your life that's bothering you right now?

I only ask because I get that this must be annoying, but your anger seems really disproportionate confused


'Fucked off'

Pissed off'



Just take them to the beach yourself and forget about the different parenting/attitudes here.

neonrainbow Wed 06-Jul-16 12:45:43

Id feel embarrassed taking a boy out wearing a dress too. I know it's not cool to say so on mn.

HeteronormativeHaybales Wed 06-Jul-16 12:45:45

If there's nothing deeper to this I would just let her try to enforce her rules and field the questions from the dc. I myself would explain to them that some people think boys can't wear dresses/girls need tops on on the beach but that's rather old-fashioned now and you think it's fine. IME kids accept different rules/codes in different places.

trafalgargal Wed 06-Jul-16 12:46:53

im not sure why you are so angry unless you rely on her for childcare. Just because your sister doesn't have a problem with your Mum's inflexibility (or tolerates it to keep the relationship going or to keep free childcare) doesn't mean you have to. You are two different people ......and expecting your Mum to change just because she's now a grandmother is a bit unrealistic. If you don't like what she insists of the children when she is in charge of them then don't give her charge of them. Take them swimming yourself.

badtime Wed 06-Jul-16 12:47:50

OP, I think the reason people were asking about what happened when you were growing up is that it seems that you feel that your mother favours your sister.

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