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To ask ex for child maintainence

(110 Posts)
msatlantis Tue 05-Jul-16 18:23:53

I separated from my ex P in January, half way through my pregnancy. He was emotionally abusive, I couldn't take any more, and I didn't want my baby growing up to the tune of his mood swings and viewing his behaviour as the norm.

We lived together in London (his flat). When we split up I stayed in the flat for a bit only when he didn't need it (though he still insisted I still paid toward it as I had been doing). When he needed to stay at the flat I had to find myself temporary accommodation (awful in third trimester of pregnancy.) When my maternity leave commenced I moved to Edinburgh - my family are here and offered support, I also own a property here. I would have been completely on my own had I stayed in London, with ex-P perhaps dropping in when convenient for him to see baby. Ex-P was not happy about me moving to Edinburgh. Said I was making it 'impossible' for him to have a relationship with his child. I understand moving 500 miles away from baby's dad was not ideal, but I needed the support of my family and he had behaved badly toward me. I may have to return to London when my maternity leave finishes in any event.

DS was born in May. Ex-P has not seen him, though I have not put up any barrier to this. Actually, I'm sad for my DS that he hasn't visited. I had to register the birth myself. Since the birth we have had one phone-call. The call was civilised but ex-P made no mention of contributing toward his son's upkeep.

Following the call I applied to the CMS to calculate child maintainence. I didn't want to have the conversation with ex-P as I had a feeling I'd be made to feel bad/unreasonable for asking for money and if ex-P did agree to contribute there's no way he would willingly agree to pay the amount the CMS calculated he should be paying (£750 per month). The amount the CMS calculated is based on ex-P's salary which is about £100k p/a.

Today ex-P has text to say he is 'most disappointed/surprised' to have received a letter from CMS. And that if I 'need/want money we can easily resolve it between ourselves'. He then says: 'it would be better for all concerned to deal with things in an open and above board way and to talk like adults. This is a very disappointing way to conduct our engagement over very difficult and important issues, but I am happy to keep things official from now on if that is what you have decided?'

I don't know how to respond. His text makes me feel bad. I'd think I'd rather keep things amicable, but I know in doing so ex-P will not agree to pay the same amount calculated by the CMS. The amount will also not be subject to any annual review. I also don't need the money right now, but I will do when my maternity pay stops and certainly when I return to work as I will need a full time nanny.

Have I been unreasonable in applying directly to the CMS? And would I be acting unreasonably in continuing to go through the official CMS channel rather than trying to reach and agreement with ex-P? I don't know what to do and how to respond to his message.

ScrewyMcScrewup Tue 05-Jul-16 18:26:51

YANBU. He's emotionally abusive and if you create an "informal" arrangement he will use it to try and control you. Continue with the CMS and good luck.

Congratulations for your new baby!

BlackeyedSusan Tue 05-Jul-16 18:28:49

yanbu. he has not willingly contributed.

cannotlogin Tue 05-Jul-16 18:28:57

No, you're not reasonable. I wouldn't bother replying as whatever you say will be wrong. If he had been willing to support his child, he has had more than enough opportunity to contact you.

Oldraver Tue 05-Jul-16 18:29:00

This farce with this excuse of a man has been going on for ages hasn't it ?

If you had asked him for maintenence he would of stalled...if he was any kind of man he would of offered anyway. You know that he is always going to wind you up..

Keep things through official channels

fuzzywuzzy Tue 05-Jul-16 18:29:38

I wouldn't respond at all. He sounds manipulative why has he not come forward and offered child maintenance what does he think his DS loves on air?

I'd keep it thro CMS purely as it then doesn't leave you at his whim.

It's not personal it's your child's right to have financial support and if your ex cared for his child he wouldn't have been kicking you out of your home whilst you were pregnant under those circumstances of course you are going to go somewhere you have support love and a home you can stay in.

iremembericod Tue 05-Jul-16 18:31:55

He is trying to manipulate you and as you rightly say you will not get the correct amount unless you go through the CMS.

Leave it to the CMS to sort.

I understand your apprehension because you know the sort of things he will be saying about it and you, but stand stong. Remember you are doing this for the upkeep of your DS, and that is not unreasonable. Your DS will eventually want to know who his dad is, and at least this way, you will be able to say that he contributed financially. Better than "he wasn't arsed at all" which is something that creates deep wounds in children.

ChocChocPorridge Tue 05-Jul-16 18:33:37

it would be better for all concerned to deal with things in an open and above board way

There isn't a more open and above board way than going through the CMS. He was emotionally abusive, he made you repeatedly hunt for somewhere to live while pregnant just for the sake of it it seem, and hasn't voluntarily come forward to register his child, visit his child, or support his child financially.

Keep it official.

I would respond with a short one-liner, that yes, you would prefer to keep it official, and go no further than that. You don't have the time now to muck about negotiating when the CMS is there, with all the calculations and mechanisms in place for you to use.

Stepmotherofdragons Tue 05-Jul-16 18:34:04

If he was a supportive, involved dad having regular contact he may have a point. In your circumstances, he hasn't even bothered to meet his own child? You owe him fuck all.

petalsandstars Tue 05-Jul-16 18:34:12

I remember your previous thread, your ex was emotionally abusive towards you and you have done the right thing by going to Edinburgh. He's had 3 months to give you child support off his own volition and hasn't. I'd suggest you would have trouble getting money regularly from him of an agreeable amount if you sort it out between you based on his previous behaviour. His text is designed to make you feel bad, that is his purpose. Send him a message back saying it is better all round for everything to be official from now on, but if he would transfer the 3 months back payment of child support as soon as possible into xx account to provide for his child. Expect him to come back with threats of custody/access/ you having to bring baby down to see him, whether he'll follow through is another matter.

KamMum Tue 05-Jul-16 18:35:25

Yanbu - continue with csa and even if you dont need the money now, take it and save for when your maternity pay ends or stick it in savings for your little one.

cannotlogin Tue 05-Jul-16 18:40:24

Sorry, you're no unreasonable!!!!

ArmfulOfRoses Tue 05-Jul-16 18:45:26

I remember your thread and hope that you're ok? flowers

If you must reply, then something very simple and unemotional.

Zuccarelli Tue 05-Jul-16 18:48:15

Yanbu at all! If he was in anyway decent he would have a) met his child and b) started paying maintenance as soon as the baby was born, not have needed prompting in anyway.
Congratulations on your baby. I'm so pleased you got out of the abusive relationship. Your baby has an amazingly strong role model in you.

Pearlman Tue 05-Jul-16 18:51:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eyebrowsonfleek Tue 05-Jul-16 18:54:19

He's trying to make you feel bad when you shouldn't. He has missed payment of May/June/July child maintenance and hadn't indicated when he was going to start paying. (As he's on a high salary then he should have contributed financially something pre-birth too- even if it was something like a cot from IKEA.)

Keeping it official is the right move and prevents him haggling a lower amount.

OurBlanche Tue 05-Jul-16 18:54:24

but I am happy to keep things official from now on if that is what you have decided?'

It is. Many thanks for your understanding.

Kind Regards,

Just5minswithDacre Tue 05-Jul-16 18:54:32

You feel bad?

That text sounds like a threat to me.

lalalalyra Tue 05-Jul-16 19:05:22

If he was going to be an adult about it he'd have been paying cm for his child since May. Stick to your guns.

GettingScaredNow Tue 05-Jul-16 19:08:01


You have done the right things.
This man has zero interest in you or your child.
Continue as you are. Don't let him control you. If you make an informal agreement he simply won't stick to it.
I'm at this point with STBXH right now.
He says he will pay the amount the calculator comes up with. But he probably won't, and if he does it will never come on time.
If I use the service I'll lose £4 a week in fees and I'm thinking that is worth it for regular money.

AyeAmarok Tue 05-Jul-16 19:10:22

YANBU at all. AT ALL!

He had his chance to sort the finances amicably, and he didn't bother, hoping you wouldn't bother.

Whether you need the money or not is absolutely not the point. The DC has two parents and both are responsible for financially supporting him.

If you don't need it, save it for him or use it later when you might.

Best to start as you mean to go on, that's most fair on all of you. Straightforward CMS deductions.

Allalonenow Tue 05-Jul-16 19:23:12

He is trying to intimidate you so that you give up the CSA claim. If you do, he will never pay any maintenance for his child.
Take the money and save it if you don't need it at the moment.

Oh! And look for a job in Edinburgh.

Pearlman Tue 05-Jul-16 19:25:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClopySow Tue 05-Jul-16 19:25:27

If you're the person i'm thinking of, i'm so glad you went back to your family.

Keep it official. Respond with ourblanche suggestion or something very similar. Give him an inch and he'll take a mile, and mess with your head while he's at it.

NeedsAsockamnesty Tue 05-Jul-16 19:31:46

Responsible and amicable would be.

"Baby x was born on x date"

Reply "I will arange a CM payment immediately I hope both of you are well"

Using the CMS is open transparent and above board, it's the most open transparent and above board anybody can be about the matter.

You don't even need to bother replying. He's got the assesment he needs to pay it you don't need to do anything other than contact them if he does not.

Just ignore it.

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