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Standing up for myself and now dying a little.

(36 Posts)
icanteven Tue 05-Jul-16 17:57:45

We're having an extension built over the next couple of months. Permitted development etc. Mentioned it to overbearing neighbour who has form for speaking to me like I'm a child and she asked to see the plans. I don't really have a lot of choice, because when you apply for permitted development the council contacts the neighbours anyway, so she was going to see them sooner or later, and I don't mind going through the motions of being civil, even though she is obnoxious (she's a retired professor, and can't quite seem to shake the idea that I'm a first year who hasn't turned up to a single tutorial).

I said I'd email them this week. I work full time, and am flat out finishing a huge project this week, and hadn't got around to it yet.

She saw me on the street coming back from school run and peremptorily shouted at me from getting into her car "SEND THAT EMAIL!" - I paused in surprise, and she followed it up with "NOW!" and got into her car and drove off. Neighbour parent who was walking with me was horrified, I was mortified.

I sent the plans to her and other neighbours in one group email, and then took a deep breath and emailed her separately to tell her that I was "surprised to be spoken to in such a brusque manner today - is everything all right?".

Now of course, I'm terrified to check my email in case she replies. She's been speaking to me like this for 7 years. It's a miracle I haven't lost my cool with her before.

I don't think I was being unreasonable, right?


fraggle84 Tue 05-Jul-16 17:59:18

Definitely not - well done!!!

Passmethecrisps Tue 05-Jul-16 17:59:41

Perfectly well handled op. Good on you

ChicRock Tue 05-Jul-16 17:59:50

Of course you're not unreasonable. I'd have emailed "who the fuck did you think you were talking to".

OurBlanche Tue 05-Jul-16 18:00:34

Good for you... she may even have a mini moment of reflection... or maybe not smile

ThePigeon314 Tue 05-Jul-16 18:00:44

I sympathise. Don't react to her email immediately. Force yourself to read it, and separate out her objections from what POWER she has. Focus only on the bits she has power to object to.

I mentioned a dream extension to my neighbour and she just shook her head and said 'no that'd block the light' even though both of our gardens face directly and exactly south. and her cats crap in my garden and her dog goes in and out of her house (with a loud door slam each time) several times between 11 and 12.45.

MollyTwo Tue 05-Jul-16 18:01:35

Well done for standing up to her. She sounds like a bully who knows full well that she can take advantage of you. Who does she think she is. Don't panic when you receive her reply. Get angry, and don't let her speak to you like this.

Justmuddlingalong Tue 05-Jul-16 18:01:46

You've stood up to her for the 1st time. Well done! Each time you stand up to her from now on, it will be easier. grin

YouMakeMyDreams Tue 05-Jul-16 18:03:16

You were far more diplomatic for far longer than I would have been. And I know if she replied and was arsey I'd be arsey right back. Good for you.

bitemyarsenic Tue 05-Jul-16 18:06:06

Crikey - she would have been told to fuck right off and bite my arse grin before I would have sent it - cheeky cow !

TheNaze73 Tue 05-Jul-16 18:06:43

Well done OP. Keep it professional, polite & non confrontational. Takes away all her fire. She sounds obnoxious

80schild Tue 05-Jul-16 18:08:18

You needed to do it. To her face would have been better, but well done for doing it.

icanteven Tue 05-Jul-16 18:08:48

Thank you, lovely vipers! I'm a grown woman of nearly 40, I should be able to handle this by now. confused

I will definitely not open any scary emails until tomorrow, should one arrive.


2nds Tue 05-Jul-16 18:16:36

You brought the subject up with the neighbour so I kind of think you are opening yourself up for these scenarios each time, I'd have kept shtump about the plans until they are informed of them by the council because by telling her about them you are allowing her to get a say in at this earlier stage.

JackieAndHyde4eva Tue 05-Jul-16 18:18:55

Well done you.

Next time stand up for yourself by not rewarding her nasty attidude by doing exactly as she says! Ignore her.

whois Tue 05-Jul-16 18:20:34

Well done!

Foslady Tue 05-Jul-16 18:23:03

And if she starts tell her to direct her comments to the LA when they write to her (and any objection will have to be based on planning issues - not that she just doesn't want it)

KC225 Tue 05-Jul-16 18:34:26

Well done, for finding your voice. Quite frankly, I admire your restraint

3littlefrogs Tue 05-Jul-16 18:49:46

My surveyor said that there is no such thing as "right to light".

It is easy to work out whether any light will be blocked, but this is actually very rare. It is worth doing a bit of googling on this.

nicenewdusters Tue 05-Jul-16 18:49:52

I think you have amazing self-control, what a horrible sounding woman. Could you be equally brusque in future ? Even if she split the atom during her career that doesn't give her the right to speak to you that way.

Onenerfwarfrombreakdown Tue 05-Jul-16 19:10:15

You were much nicer than I'd have been OP. If anybody spoke to me like that, whether in private or public Id have been torn between a head tilt and a "what's the magic word <insert her name in a sing song voice???> and a resounding Fuck Off.

In the nicest possible way, stop being so fucking wet. She is your neighbour, an accident of address only. She is not your boss, mother or God. She has NO right to demand things of you and needs put in her place. Keep standing up to her. And don't mention any plans for anything ever again - let the proper authorities deal with her!

Winterdaisy Tue 05-Jul-16 19:11:03

Ummm she sounds like my MIl? Retired professor you say?? Demanding/difficult beleives she is better than everyone does she? Do you live in London? West London? (I really fear you could say yes and then say the post code 😳)
Yep only way is to stand up to her. Never tell anyone about plans again though let the council do that!
Be strong !

TheWitTank Tue 05-Jul-16 19:20:29

She's lucky she didn't get a "fuck off dickhead". Rude rude rude. Well done on the email.

TruJay Tue 05-Jul-16 19:31:34

Good for you! I can't stand rude people

Barmcakebessie Tue 05-Jul-16 19:39:57

I doubt she'll think anything of it, sounds arrogant enough to shrug it off but well done for not just letting it go, what a cheeky cow. Hope all goes well with your extension, we've just finished ours and had some grief with neighbours as we had to have a skip stuck in front of their house for a short while..there was murder over it!

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