To not have lent ex this money?(43 Posts)
We have been separated for 2 years following his infidelity. I was wohp but he chose to leave and has said he considers me the main parent as I did all the 'thinking' and would never want to 'take them from me'.
We share custody about 30/40% to him. He is pretty hard up and I don't know how much work he is getting atm (temps as cover supervisor and does some online stuff too, but we don't speak much anymore really). I got a debt collection letter to my (marital) home a few months ago addressed to him and, following advice, gave them his new address. He has always been a nightmare with money and I am paying off credit cards that 'we' ran up, though he was always the bigger spender.
Today he was supposed to drop ds1 with me (strike day for me an ds!) after dropping ds2 at school. He brought them both round 15 minutes before school and asked me for £200 til the end of the month. I said no. He threw their bags at me, said he couldn't look after them then (supposed to have them tonight and pick them up from school and keep for an hour tomorrow) and would have to leave his car here as it had no petrol. I was too shocked to really react and concentrated on getting ds2 to school. When we got back the car had gone.
He has had no money from me since he moved out, but has worked asfaik. Recently got a small flat, has visited friends in Italy twice since the split, paying for flights and turning down temping work. He often takes the kids out to eat, which is expensive and I rarely do it, despite being on a good income. I think his card must have got declined this morning as he said nothing to me when we swapped ds yesterday and was pleasant. He is so careless with money.
We have agreed through a mediator that he will not ask for spousal maintenance, I will continue to pay for pretty much all dc stuff (he only pays for the food they eat with him and any activities), I can raise 17.5K against the mortgage and will give him 14k (will settle marital debts with the rest). There is only about 40k equity, and if we sold, baring in mind he would never get a mortgage, he would not be much better off than the 14k - could be worse off if prices do fall and it goes for less.
I could afford to give him £200 but I don't want to set a precedent and don't believe I would ever see it back. I have taken on extra exam marking this year as I am worried about paying for the divorce, (mediator alone cost enough) and I want to be able to give the dc a good summer.
I just wish I could give him the 14k tomorrow, but I suppose we need to wait for a judge to sign off on it and the divorce is taking ages to come through as a copy of the cert has to come from USA and it's proving difficult.
Sorry this is incoherent and long - he has spun me into anxiety – again.
Do not under any circumstances give him money.
He's a big boy now and has to stand on his own two feet. It is not your job to bail him out.
I think you were right not to give him the money.
If you do end up giving him money - keep a record of it - get him to sign a receipt - and take it out of the 14K.
Do not second guess yourself.
You know him, probably better than he knows himself and the situation you're both in. You made the right decision.
Don't lend him any money! He sounds utterly careless and he'll probably blow it on something frivolous. He's managed to go to Italy twice and yet turns down temping work, why does he need to ask you for money? You'll be the 'go-to' if he ever needs any cash as he'll never need to watch his spending if you're there to bail him out
Agree with not giving him money. He needs to learn to look after his own situation & not have you as a bank.
I doubt you'd have seen the money again.
Don't do it.
It's not your problem if he can't manage money.
Why does it cost £200 to have the kids for a night, give them some beans on toast, watch a bit of telly, and have them over for an hour with maybe a biscuit and some juice?
Tell him to ask the women he was sleeping with while he was married to you if they'll give him money.
If you do give him anything, take it out of the house money so it's not a matter of him not repaying it.
He sounds utterly selfish and self-indulgent. I assume he didn't take the children on holiday with him?
He's a big boy and single now. He can go and get a job.
Make sure you keep a diary of every single event that he hasn't looked after them when he is supposed to, that he asks you for money, that he refuses to have responsibility for something, etc, etc. Just a cheap exercise book where you write any incidents down. I suspect you may need it at some point in the future.
He planned his little hissy fit really well didn't he - I bet the kids bags contained all their stuff so he obviously had no intention of having them tonight if you said no.
What a wanker.
If you do give him any money then get a receipt with something written on it that he agrees this amount will be deducted from his final payout from you.
Not only would I not give him the £200 I would keep very quiet about taking on exam marking etc. People like your ex typically resent your relative "wealth" without taking into account the effort required to achieve it.
You sound like you are doing really well getting yourself sorted by the way.
Is there anyone you can chase up to hasten the process with the USA. Is it your cert or on his side? Generally speaking public entities in the USA have to be called multiple times a day to get anything moving. They make UK public bodies look spectacularly efficient !
Rule 1. Don't do it.
Rule 2. If tempted to do it, apply Rule 1.
As said above, tell him to ask one of his side pieces to sport him some cash.
do not lend him any money. do so, and you will be lending to him forever.
he's clearly pathetic anyway if he can't support himself.
Absolutely set the boundary now, or you'll be bankrolling him for ever.
Thank you so much for the replies.
I do feel guilty because I am better off than him and he was the sahp. However, he was 38 when we had dc and had never had a career - he had worked, but no career, preferring to focus on writing/his band.
I feel torn - he has had two years to sort his shit out but buries his head in the sand. However, if it means the dc otherwise not seeing him I feel I'll have to pay up or he will be back to seeing them round here, which was a nightmare and went on for over a year after the split. I have been so much happier since that stopped.
I guess he will swallow his pride and go to his mother. Again.
Do not pay up.
If it means he does not see the kids that is on him, not you. Remind yourself, he chose to go to Italy, he chose not to work , he also chooses not to see them .
These are his choices and he bears the consequences. Would he help you if you made crap choices??? I doubt it
Under no circumstances do anything to legitimate his behaviour - he has made his choices and he needs to man up and grow up. If he throws a temper tantrum over not getting his way that is on him. You are not responsible for his behaviour.
Any sign of weakness, whether giving money or allowing him to see the dcs at your place, will teach him that this is a successful strategy. If you reward it, you'll get more of it.
He's run out of money until the end of the month? That's bad. He's going to have to find a way to raise some money and no way should it be you who lends it.
I would insist he has the DC even if you have to provide food for them because this is all about taking responsibility.
Unfortunately that £14k will be pissed away with nothing to show for it which will sting.
I know Matilda. It will add £90 to my mortgage, which should be fine but is obviously not great. But I know he is entitled to something and I don't want him playing the martyr card in the future. I just know that he will blow it and use it as an excuse not to work for a bit and then be back in this position again.
I was actually in tears at the mediator session last week as he said he had never asked me for anything (was true then!) and the mediator said we were both good people and used an analogy about how I was stressed because I had all these plates spinning and he was stressed because all his plates had smashed. I sat there with tears running down my face feeling sorry for him, and less than a week later he does this .
He doesn't seem interested in earning for himself, and added to that he sounds utterly clueless with money. My BIL has always been like that (in amongst a host of other problems) Lend him nothing.
Will he have the sense to invest his £14k somehow when the time comes? More likely he will fritter it away because money burns a hole in his pocket.
Pearlman I think it only counts officially when he has them over night, so probably less than that. He has them 4 nights a fortnight and a couple of just days as well. I bought them extra stuff to take to his, so all he has to provide is whatever meals they eat with him. The house is not going to be sold but I am borrowing to 'buy him out', if that's the right term. I don't think I 'owe' it as such, as our agreement isn't official yet. I would love to do it as soon as possible, but we can't divorce yet as the cert is missing and a copy has to come from USA.
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