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**Trigger warning - upsetting content** AIBU to be angry with MIL **edited by MNHQ**

(54 Posts)
Sparkles07 Mon 04-Jul-16 11:07:18

Long story and trigger warning.

I don't post on here often but often lurk.

When me daughter was nearly four she made an accusation that Grandad had touched her in her special place and wee'd on her and told her to keep it a secret. Grandad at the time had walked out on his second wife (so not MIL) for another woman and was living with us.
We went to the police and social services. A full investigation took place. Full medical relealed no penetration to daughter. He denied everything, then made up stories about me to social services being an unfit parent. The case never went to court, so he was free to get on with his life. We cut all contact obviously. Been very hard for hubby as you can imagine. He misses his dad and daughters accusation vague enough to leave some doubt at first.

Since then daughter been to counselling where she showed further alarming behaviour indicative of abuse.

3 years on now. We still have no contact. Daughter now nearly 7 and I don't think she remembers the abuse but in the last three years we've had so many instances of inappropriate behaviour, including touching another child inappropriately on a play date, asking to touch other girls privates all the times, being over sexualised, exposing herself as that will help them like her etc etc etc. Hubby and I both now in no doubt that she was abused or at the very least was being very heavily groomed and we stopped it in time. (That's what I pray for)

Ok so onto the AIBU!!

MIL has been through all this with us. She was with us when daughter was interviewed by the police. She was there when police told us they had no doubt in their mind father in law was a person not to be trusted with children, and that he had some nasty but not illegal porn on his laptop, she has seen our tears and my husbands tears. She has been with us every step of the way. But she is still friends with him. He walked out on her for a younger model 17 years ago after many affairs including one with a 17 year old. But she worrys he's lonely so has him round for dinner (MIL is remarried so dinner for three!) they call and text each other and she keeps him up to date on our lives too which makes me feel sick.

Last Christmas she had him and my sister in law round for christmas dinner while we were at home on our own (we always spend Christmas with her normally) but she said we have each other and he has no one. We were around for dinner yesterday and he called when we were there and it just really wound me up!!! Sister in law and all of my husband family have stuck by father in law and cut us off, (sister in law not cut us off but instead keeps asking DH when he's going to get back in touch with dad and telling him how hard life is for dad and how much he misses DH etc) but MIL has tried to stay neutral but it's really not working for us!!

AIBU to be cross she hasn't cut him off??

LouBlue1507 Mon 04-Jul-16 11:11:10

YANBU! Omg OP I don't know what to say to you, I really don't! But you are not being unreasonable and I hope your DD is ok flowers

redpinkblue Mon 04-Jul-16 11:19:20

Wow just wow.

YANBU.

Some people are unbelievable

ILoveAGoodBrusselSprout Mon 04-Jul-16 11:20:32

What a horrible time you've had. I'm so sorry that your family has been through this.

I have no experience of sexual abuse in our family but have a MUCH lower lever similarity. My father often treated me poorly (too much to go into here)and when I went NC with him, I expected my DM to back me up, to take my side and support me by cutting him off too (they were divorced and she had been treated badly too). However, she did what your MIL did and kept in touch, filling m in on how we were, reminding me constantly how much he loved and missed me. It infuriated me! It felt like a betrayal, but I was aware I couldn't demand that she cut him off. I had to leave her to it.

Her thoughts were- it's all over now, I am fine and happy and he is alone and miserable so she misguidedly (in my opinion) minimised my hurt and suffering and prioritised his feelings.

I suppose your MIL must feel similar, or she feels there is enough doubt in the 'story' and is scared to cut him off incase it's not true. Either way, it's hurtful and damaging to your relationship with her.

If this were me, I'd go NC with her too. It's like she's chosen her side and it isn't yours or your DD's. The risk of bumping into him at her house would be too great for me to take. And it would worry me that it may bring up long-forgotten memories in your DD if she is to see him.

MollyTwo Mon 04-Jul-16 11:22:52

Yanbu op, your poor DD sad I hope she is doing much better.
You are right to feel upset and betrayed by her. If he didn't want to be lonely then maybe he should not have abused your little girl. How could they even stand by him is beyond me.

trafalgargal Mon 04-Jul-16 11:24:01

I don't think cross is the word. I'd be incredibly disappointed in her however she has respected your decision to go NC and hasn't tried to manipulate or guilt you into seeing him and it must be incredibly hard to fully admit you married a pervert so there may be an element on denial even if deep down she knows.

I think it is one of those it is what it is situations and the important thing is your daughter no longer has any contact with this man. Getting angry with MIL won't achieve anything except risk estrangement.

MumOnACornishFarm Mon 04-Jul-16 11:29:29

Oh my goodness! No no no yanbu. I would not normally jump to suggest NC or any kind of ultimatum, but I think in this instance it is wholly appropriate. What is she thinking? He's a dangerous monster and the pressure on your DH to reconcile is hurtful and absurd. How does your DH think you should go forward?

So sorry your family has gone through this. There was something a little similar (not nearly so serious) in my extended family, but involving two young children, no adults. The families have moved away from one another and cannot reconcile which is understandable. flowers

cookiefiend Mon 04-Jul-16 11:36:04

I have no experience to offer, but that is terrible. Perhaps she is reluctant to belive she could have been in love with a man who did something like that. (Not that that makes it right)

If I were you I think I would sit her down and make clear she has one more chance and set out clearly what you do not want her to do (eg you can keep in touch, but do not update him on us, do not ever speak of him to us, we will never want contact again etc). I would only give her a second chance if she agrees (no making excuses) and I would explain what will happen if she doesn't do as you ask (you will go NC with her.)

You aren't obligated to give her a second chance- you would be perfectly justified I think in just cutting her off, but given she has been a support to you in the past I suspect it may be upsetting for your DH and DD.

You sound great at putting your DD first so YANBU.

srslylikeomg Mon 04-Jul-16 11:42:26

By keeping contact with him she is basically admitting or betraying that she doesn't believe your daughter. That is extremely damaging. I would cut her out of your lives. And I don't say that lightly. She is an enabler and he has groomed her too, she doesn't see him as a threat, she is therefore not to be trusted around your daughter as she doesn't understand the risks to her. I am very sorry, but I would certainly go completely no contact.

diddl Mon 04-Jul-16 11:49:30

If she wants to see him that is up to her.

But filling him in on your lives?

Must be tempting to go NC with her.

He abused her GD FFS!

As for the people saying your husband should forgive & forget-the only answer to them is that this is what you have decided to do following his abuse of your daughter.

NayaDeles Mon 04-Jul-16 11:51:35

Oh OP flowers
What a horrible situation for all three of you. I'd find it difficult to have her in mine and DDs life. What about your DH though? I'm sure he's massively disappointed but maybe he feels like he doesn't want to 'lose' both parents.

littlemissangrypants Mon 04-Jul-16 11:53:53

I'm so sorry for your little girl and the abuse she suffered. I was your daughter in this situation in my family. It has taken me 20 years to finally cut contact. In those years I was forced to be nice to my abuser. People would talk to me about what a great person he was. Every one was aware of the abuse and no one did anything to stop it. I was the black sheep in the family.
I have grown up being unable to be hugged even by my own kids. I still have nightmares. It has been hell. The thing that is finally giving me peace is having no contact with any of them ever again.

RaspberryOverload Mon 04-Jul-16 11:56:36

OP, you won't be able to trust MIL not to go behind your back if she ever has your DD on her own and allows this man to visit while your DD us in her care.

She, and your SIL are minimising and neither can be trusted.

And if he's attracted to small girls, what was his relationship like with a young SIL, I wonder?

prettywhiteguitar Mon 04-Jul-16 11:56:50

I would be very tempted to never see any of that family again. What the actual fuck ???? Sil can fottfsof and sorry no, I have no words.

In fact I would email the lot of them with the facts of the case and details of your daughter behaviour and why you will not be associating with enablers of abuse.

MoonfaceAndSilky Mon 04-Jul-16 11:57:02

Yanbu, definitely not, your MIL needs to show some loyalty to her GD.
Sorry to say it but does your DH or his sister have any memories of him doing anything to them when they were small? If he is an abuser then it is likely he has always been one.

Bahhhhhumbug Mon 04-Jul-16 11:57:06

OMG awful for you . I would love to know what MILs DH thinks of it too, especially if he knows about the abuse side. He is either very under the thumb or being kept in the dark I would guess. I hope your DD didn't see him - as a pp said how awful if she remembered what he did to her upon seeing him again. She would not feel safe in her grandmothers house ever again or not feel safe anywhere if this man can turn up in her life at any time even when she is with her mum and dad. You sound like wonderful parents btw flowers but surrounded by idiots unfortunately

MrsJayy Mon 04-Jul-16 12:03:35

Your mil is treating her ex as feeble weak or ill and she needs to care for him by doing this she is excusing what he did as some sort of weakness and dismissing your daughters abuse as just something that happened to her because of this mans weakness.
Cut contact your daughter deserves better concentrate your energy on her her over sexulised behaviour is worrying concentrate on that get her the help she needs dont waste your precious time on a woman who puts an abusers wellbeing over a small child.

redshoeblueshoe Mon 04-Jul-16 12:05:52

Sparkles I an so sorry this is awful. But MIL hasn't stayed neutral, she has taken his side.
Do the ones who have cut off your DH have young children ? Is he allowed near them ?
YANBU, your Mil is

Birdsgottafly Mon 04-Jul-16 12:11:07

I'm wondering how far the abide has happened in the family. Perhaps your SIL has been a victim?

Has your DH spoken about his childhood?

I agree with what's been said, but if your DD is continuing to show sexualised behaviour, I'd question if the abuse has fully stopped and if so, what else can be done.

Most men, meaning MILs new DH, wouldn't entertain the idea at all, of a Child Sexual Predator, being in the house. No-one seems to be reacting to this, as they should be, have they been desensitised to child abuse?

MrsJayy Mon 04-Jul-16 12:11:29

I wonder if she knew about him and her supporting you was out of guilt maybe not your Dd but a paedophille (and that is what he is) wont abuse once its just odd how she seems to want to protect him they are divorced

Goingtobeawesome Mon 04-Jul-16 12:15:09

I wish I knew what to say but all I can say is thank you for believing your daughter and for standing by her and choosing her.

Tell other family members to butt out and go NC if you have too. Which it appears you should.

She needs help though as she can't be allowed to touch other children and shouldn't be exposing herself.

This is serious and what you can do for her now will affect her future life. Make sure she has a peaceful one.

BurningBridges Mon 04-Jul-16 12:27:08

The police had said to you at the time that he shouldn't be around young children, so you and DH can't get back in touch with him (apart from the fact that the very suggestion is ludicrous) and that's the end of it. Does your DD still have support or counselling?

PhoenixReisling Mon 04-Jul-16 12:27:14

I'm sorry to say that I wouldn't be able to trust her.

Even if she promises not to speak about you all to him, how can you prove that she was doing as you asked?

By keeping in contact and staying neutral is not supporting her GD. It is simply telling you that she doesn't believe her and that maintaining a relationship with him is far more important.

IMO, I'd would go NC. She is only adding stress and heartache to your lives.

diddl Mon 04-Jul-16 12:27:35

I think that you need to cut contact with your MIL & concentrate on helping your daughter through this.

Perhaps your husband could continue to see his mum?

Wouldn't surprise me though if his dad turned up whilst he's there.

She lets the man who abused her GD into her house.

I just can't get my head around that tbh.

And the man who lives with her-does he know & if so why is he putting up with it?

Sparkles07 Mon 04-Jul-16 12:28:29

Thank you so much. DH thinks I am being being unreasonable. He was hurt at Christmas too, but thinks it's his mum's choice and we need to just accept it. She is the only member of family he really has now, and my family are pretty absent, crap or dead.

He does have contact regulrily with children in his family still, and my sister in law is trying for a baby. She insists nothing inappropriate ever happened as a child and she would be fine to trust him with her children. MIL says she's spoken to sister in law to warn her she should be wary of abuser if she does have kids.

MIL has changed her mind about it at different times over the last few years. From insisting he's innocent to saying she wants nothing to do with him, DD once made a small disclosure to her too, and she was prepaired to go to court, but I think time and her narcissistic ex and daughter have worn her down. She just keeps saying how his life has been ruined (he lost his job and girlfriend when he was arrested on suspicion), but she has never suggested we try and make peace at least!

My friends are all so sick of me talking about it, and TBH I am sick of talking about it, it's been three years and still affects us so much! DD has just been granted £2k criminal injuries compensation in the same week we were called into school and DD excluded because her and a little boy were showing each other their bits (the boy wasn't excluded by the way, but they wanted to do a full risk assesment in the class to check it was safe to have my 6 year old there!). I broke down to MIL saying I wanted to kill him (in graphic details) but she just says "well you know how difficult I find it two make the two ideas juxtapose so i keep the two things separate in my head." Like WTF???? Not what I need right now, a cuddle and a chocolate bar would do!!

For those who have asked DD has seen him once, when she was 4 at a wedding. It was a HUGE mistake to take her. My sister in laws wedding she was flower girl for. We were sure we could keep her safe and seperate and we did, but she was scared and developed a tick again (she had this before revealing she was being abused and for a few months after contact with him had stopped) We went back to day one of helping her. MIL knows DD is scared of him and I believe she would never risk them coming in contact again.

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