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To think 'I'm sorry [for your loss]' is not that fucking hard to say!

(43 Posts)
KimberlySnark Sun 03-Jul-16 16:25:19

Was in hospital last night for the 67747854 millionth time, due to complicated pregnancy and previous full term stillbirth last year.

I see a different midwife every visit, which is absolutely fine. I don't at all mind explaning what happened to the DC we lost, from scratch every time. What I do mind is the blank stare this is normally met with, before they start monitoring me or dash off somewhere.

I mean FFS I know they see their fair share of trauma, but is it that fucking hard to acknowledge the fairly hideous circumstances I'm in? To just say 'I'm sorry to hear that' or something?

If someone even says to me, in passing, my dog/granny/parent died last year, I'd always be human enough to acknowledge that.

FarelyKnuts Sun 03-Jul-16 16:27:20

No YANBU. And I am very sorry for your loss flowers

SauvignonBlanche Sun 03-Jul-16 16:29:31

YANBU at all. I'm sorry to hear you have to keep explaining this. flowers

A close family member in an extremely similar situation has a rainbow symbol on her notes to indicate that she has suffered a previous still birth.

3littlefrogs Sun 03-Jul-16 16:29:59

That sounds awful, KimberlySnark . sad

I am so sorry you lost your precious baby.

I have no hesitation in offering my sympathy / a hug / handhold to my patients if it seems appropriate. We are supposed to be in a caring profession after all.

flowers

Absofrigginlootly Sun 03-Jul-16 16:35:56

YANBU I don't buy into the whole excuse 'getting desensitized to trauma and grief' thing that turns some HCP into compassionless robots.... If that happens then you need to change jobs. And I say that as a HCP.

I went through similar (although not a still birth flowers). I remember the blank stares and brushing over it. And worst the attitude of "everything's fine in this pregnancy so what's the problem? Get over it already"

And you shouldn't have to explain it every time. There should be a note on your notes or they should handover to each other properly!

Hope you're ok flowers brewcake

wobblywonderwoman Sun 03-Jul-16 16:36:54

Omg op. How hard for you. My thoughts are with you. Very crass of them not to acknowledge it xxx

NeedACleverNN Sun 03-Jul-16 16:37:42

Course they should say that!

I suffered a miscarriage before each of my children and one after the youngest was born.

Any booking in incident for a pregnancy was immediately a "sorry to hear that" when they asked if had suffered any miscarriages or stillbirths

Sorry for your loss OP flowers

NavyAndWhite Sun 03-Jul-16 16:40:03

Goodness me you're not wrong. I'm so sorry you lost your baby.

Agree that you shouldn't have to go through what happened every single time. Do you feel up to speaking to someone about it?

Pinkheart5915 Sun 03-Jul-16 16:42:03

I had a stillbirth myself at near full term a few years ago but I've been lucky with my last pregnancy and this pregnancy I have only ever had to explain once as I only see the same consultant/midwife.

YANBU As you have to explain each time it wouldn't hurt them to just acknowledge what your saying even a "sorry to hear that"

KimberlySnark Sun 03-Jul-16 16:42:14

Literally yet to encounter one midwife who acknowledges what I've just said. Is maddening

NavyAndWhite Sun 03-Jul-16 16:49:39

Awful. I would have to speak to someone.
How far are you?

Sparklesilverglitter Sun 03-Jul-16 16:49:50

A Sorry to hear that, sorry for your loss Only takes a few seconds to say but can mean a great deal to somebody.YANBU

AprilSkies44 Sun 03-Jul-16 16:50:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WineSpider Sun 03-Jul-16 16:54:44

That must have been a very hard loss OP and of course YANBU. Wishing you well for your pregnancy flowers

MrsHathaway Sun 03-Jul-16 16:57:50

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and that you've had such unsympathetic staff.

In pgies after my mmc and mc every single time the loss(es) came up the HCP would calmly but sincerely say "I'm sorry to hear that". They didn't dig for details or wail and gnash their teeth; they just quietly acknowledged the loss.

I had no idea that wasn't standard practice. It should be.

MrsHathaway Sun 03-Jul-16 16:58:39

flowers for April too. You must be suffering awfully. Do be kind to yourself.

KimberlySnark Sun 03-Jul-16 16:59:49

AprilSkies44 absolutely - I get that people are busy and understaffed but just because they see something frequently (or at least more than a few times) they should realise it's our first time and it's our life being affected forever. I'm sorry you went through that.

And thanks everyone else for the comments.

I just can't imagine brushing off someone's loss in the way I've experienced. I know some people worry about saying the wrong thing (eg doctors receptionist - 'don't worry, God will give you another baby' hmm), but you really can't go wrong with I'm sorry

ImperialBlether Sun 03-Jul-16 17:04:55

flowers So sorry you lost your baby and that you're having to deal with people like that now. If you're at Liverpool Women's let me know as I can put you in touch with someone there who could help you.

KimberlySnark Sun 03-Jul-16 17:05:05

Pinkheart5915 And I'm so sorry for your loss too, it's really good to hear you had consistent care. I do see a consultant this time, who is great - thankfully. It's just triage that's the nightmare

PosiePootlePerkins Sun 03-Jul-16 17:08:52

Had this too. Late miscarriage at 20 weeks, on my notes for all to see. Most midwives/drs/my consultant needed it explaining each and every time - fair enough - but then yes, the blank look or the awkward silence. Was extremely anxious throughout my subsequent pregnancy, as I am sure you must be, but no one in the healthcare system seemed to get it.
flowers for you and sending all the positive thoughts in the world your way.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Sun 03-Jul-16 17:11:26

AprilSkies. I'm so sorry to hear about your little girl 💐 & about how badly you were treat. I think miscarriages/still births are one of the worst, if not the worst, situations in our health 'care' system with regard to after care & sensitivity. They don't seem to learn at all 🙁

KimberleySnark. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss too 💐 It's bad enough that you have to keep explaining your situation, you're remarkably understanding about that, I think I'd be far less so, but to get that kind of response each time you do, is unforgivable. I know they see it all the time, I know they're busy >understatement< but there's no excuse to be entirely lacking in compassion. If it doesn't come naturally, then just learn a code of decency fgs.

When are you due?

ExtraHotLatteToGo Sun 03-Jul-16 17:13:01

💐 for everyone else who has been in this position too.

OrlasVelvetBand Sun 03-Jul-16 17:17:40

Yes, the loss makes you feel out of step with the world enough already without this from a HCP in your current pregnancy. Wishing you and LO well

theDudesmummy Sun 03-Jul-16 17:23:11

That is horrible and I am also very sorry and wish you well. It happens but it absolutely should not.

It's not just the NHS either. When I was having my third miscarriage, at the age of 44, the (very young) nurse at a very well-respected private hospital told me, while I was getting dressed after the ultrasound, in a chirpy voice "oh never mind, you can always just try again, you are young". Just the point, I was not young and believed at the time this was my last chance. I had no idea whether I was emotionally up to "just trying again". Very upsetting. People who cannot react to tragedy and distress with appropriate compassion and thoughtfulness have no business being in that line of work.

I know you probably don't want to have to go through the added hssle and distress of making an official complaint at this time (and I didn't when the above incident happened to me) , but if you can, it would be entirely appropriate. CQC (the body that monitors quality in health services) is very interested in kindness and compassion as well as clinical acumen (especially after things like the Mid Staffs enquiry), and an official complaint to the Trust concerned about lack of kindness and compassion in staff (and your "user experience", although that is a horrible term I always feel) is just as important as one about clincal problems. (I work in the health service and have some experience of these issues).

MadameJosephine Sun 03-Jul-16 17:31:42

YANBU I'm a midwife sonographer and I'm sorry you have been treated this way, they should know better!

I'm so sorry for your loss flowers

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