Who is BU me or DP?

[twinkle1010]

Completely willing to accept if its me that's being unreasonable as I'm so fed up of having this same argument with my DP.

I'm currently on maternity leave, we have a poor sleeping baby and are both tired. This of course makes us irritable and snappy and we both think that the other person wont see their view point etc!

This is the issue, he works evenings (but only till half 11so not nights or anything) and then thinks its perfectly acceptable to stay up most of the night watching Tv/playing on his phone and then falling into bed about 4am. He is obviously then tired and sleeps in until I shout him repeatedly and he gets out of bed about 11.30/12pm. He then arses about for a bit, plays with the baby, gets ready, has running around to do and then goes to work,.

I feel like I'm living with a teenager, doing 95% of the housework and most of the childcare. Even when I'm in the house and he is looking after the baby he asks me so many bloody questions that I might as well be doing it myself!

So yesterday it all blew up, he got up with the baby in the morning after I had asked him (So a good start!) I was up by 9am so its not like I took the piss. Then I came down and did the millions of jobs that always seem to need doing. He then muttered something about being really tired and went back to bed for a 4 hour nap!!!!!!

Something similar happens every couple of weeks, he seems to think this is acceptable and I don't. I think he should go to bed earlier if hes tired, he said he can go to bed whenever he likes and its non of my business.

[DoreenLethal]

I get home and want around 5 hours of down time before bed. Also I get up around 90 minutes before I go to work. So what's the difference here?

[twinkle1010]

Well I suppose it is because we have children and it would be nice to have some help, also the nights he's off he still stays up late and gets up late so there isn't really any need for downtime then, its just something that he likes doing.

[Birdsgottafly]

You need to work out, when you need him to take over the Care of DD and how much housework, he needs to do. Then go from there.

I've worked nights and evenings and it isn't easy to just go to sleep, likewise it was frustrating because accept for ironing, there's little else that can be done quietly.

[Birdsgottafly]

""it would be nice to have some help""

Don't view it as help, you're both Parents and Adults living in a house.

Work out what your expectations are and talk about him meeting them. It sounds as though he needs to have a better idea of the day to day running of the house and your children's needs.

[ChubbyMummy12]

My dp does 13 hour night shifts on weekdays 6pm-7am and he will come home, help me get DS (4) ready for pre school, and DD (6months) her bottle etc, then go to bed at about 8.30am, and get up a 2ish.
At the weekend he works 12 hour night shifts, 6-6, will come home go straight to bed and get up at 12.30..
I think you should explain how it makes you feel? Failing that. Get a fog horn

[HermioneJeanGranger]

I used to work lates and could never just come home and sleep. If he worked 9-5 you wouldn't expect him to sleep at 6pm so why expect him to do the equivalent now?

[twinkle1010]

We have tried talking about it, he says that I'm just getting on his case and saying that he doesn't do anything. Which isn't true but I can see why he thinks this. I just finding it really frustrating, especially the millions of questions. I feel like shouting if you got out of bed more you would know how the day works. (But of course I don't!)

I've even typed out the baby's routine and messaged him it, THREE times! He'd rather just ask me unfortunately.

[onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad]

You ANBU in my view. You say you feel like you're living with a teenager - that's because he's behaving like one - not contributing to the home or to the childcare until he's asked and then doing it reluctantly. Staying up half the night when he's only worked til 11.30 and he's been in bed half the day is teenager behaviour. I wouldn't shout at him though - not helpful and he will only end up feeling resentful and got at.

I'd try and reason with him calmly and if that makes no difference I'd just get on with it myself. I coped with a similar situation many years ago when my two were little and their father would not accept he needed to step up and contribute more, by lowering my expectations of him as a father, as he was clearly incapable of contributing anything useful. It got me through those difficult early years.

[Batteriesallgone]

Going to bed at 4am is not unreasonable. Not being a decent parent to your child is.

Stop mothering him OP. The chat about what time he goes to bed certainly sounds like a mum/teenager discussion. The issue is not you deciding how much sleep he needs, but you agreeing that on his days off he takes the baby at X time, blah blah.

Also point out to him he is having 4 or so hours of 'downtime' alone. Is this what he wants from a relationship and fatherhood? To spend most of his spare time away from his family?

Point out that if you separated you would have A) more free time because he'd have fixed hours with the baby and B) less laundry/ general housework to do (you say you do most of it). Call his bluff. Say you'll leave him if you don't start getting more back from the relationship.

[twinkle1010]

Yes he does do things with the baby but normally when I prompt him or say I'm going out and he has to. He's not a bad parent and I think he does as much as he feels able to do and he tries his best. My older child is from a previous relationship and although hes brilliant with her and she loves him to bits the parenting generally falls to me which is fine.

I guess I'm comparing it to my situation when I return to work. I will be coming home from work and collecting two children, doing tea, homework, housework etc before I sit down and then having to go to bed at a reasonable time as I will be up early. If I'm then tired I will just be getting on with it like everyone else does.

[mylovegoesdown]

You adapt to what shifts you're working. If he did 9-5 you wouldn't expect him to get home and be in bed an hour later.

When I worked nights I'd get home about 8am but wouldn't be able to sleep till midday or 1am and then get up at 7pm ish ready to go back into work for 8.45pm. I doubt he's doing this to piss you off.

[mylovegoesdown]

1 pm.

[twinkle1010]

And yes youre all right I am behaving like his mother. In many ways I enable him because in lots of areas of adult life his generally useless and I usually don't mind being the one who sorts out the finances, arranges everything etc. I think he has just started taking for granted that I am strong and capable as I very rarely ask for help.

I think it has been more upsetting lately as I was exhausted last week with loads going on and he just didn't seem to see it/want to help

[MyKingdomForBrie]

OP I completely see your point, all his downtime is away from the family, when is your down time?

[JudyCoolibar]

If he's up till 4 a.m., does he deal with the baby if he wakes between midnight and 4?

[twinkle1010]

Yes mostly, although he is generally dozing on the couch and doesn't always hear the baby. I know this is really helpful but I wake up anyway as the baby's room is next door so we probably do the same amount, and of course his sleep from 4am- 11/12 is not disturbed as I am seeing to the baby.

[EvansAndThePrince]

Just following as I'm in the exact same position. Works till 11.30/midnight then stays up till stupid o'clock, doesn't get up till just before work and then off he goes. Feel like he never sees DD for more than half an hour. On his days off he takes her for a couple of hours but I get told it should be 50/50 on his days off.

[LauderSyme]

He is BU. Of course it's your business.
He is your partner, your children's father, one quarter of your close family and the other (supposedly) responsible adult in your household. All of which is very much your business!
Sounds like he gets defensive because he feels criticised. But his behaviour is selfish and unfair so inevitably you are critical.
I used to work late and not get home til the early hours of the morning so I completely understand that it is impossible to just switch off and go to bed immediately.
But he has responsibilities which he is shirking. He should be willing to compromise.

[Fairenuff]

What are his actual working hours (including commuting)?

[peachpudding]

Have you thought about going back to work and then he can quit his job and be a full time parent?

[LauderSyme]

Sorry, one third of your close family, thought I'd read you had 2 dc's

[twinkle1010]

We works about 36 hours a week and his commute is minimal, 10 minute drive at most.

Peach pudding- I'm back at work in sept and were going to try and manage childcare between us with some family help. He will be getting up at 7.30am when I leave for work then, well that's the idea anyway! I'm the main wage earner.

[twinkle1010]

lauder syme- yes I have two children and older daughter and a baby.