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To think my best friend is about to marry an absolute cock?

(14 Posts)
yougotitdude Sun 03-Jul-16 01:36:11

Best mate is 32. It is her first serious steady relationship as shes spent the past 6/7 travelling the globe and has a new job with very good prospects that she adores. This is a big deal for her and everyone around her because her old job caused her to have a nervous breakdown and honestly we have never seen her so happy.

Anyway- her husband to be. On paper he seems ideal for her. Good looking, well educated and high powered job. But he is a cock.

He is racist, homophobic and thinks making jokes about disabled people is funny (which annoys me even more because I have a disability myself). Tonight he made a comment that "we want to have children straight away because obviously the closer to infertility we wait the more likely we are to have a problem child". Those werent his exact words but it involved derogatory terms towards those with Down Syndromes and Autism.

He just isnt a very nice person and has an opinon on everything. He also thinks BF should become a house wife which I know she doesnt want but is weak willed and does thinggs to keep others happy

AIBU to tell her to run and run fast?

FurryLittleTwerp Sun 03-Jul-16 01:48:28

You can tell her, but she won't listen.

You could get her tipsy, get her to open up a little & see what comes out. You can then tell her what you think, but she probably won't listen.

He sounds bloody awful - be careful he doesn't suss you don't like him, as he might insist she stops seeing you. She might need your support at some point.

AgentZigzag Sun 03-Jul-16 01:53:01

She knows what he's like because she's hearing the same things you but choosing not to tell him to STFU.

I'm not sure that her being 'weak willed' and willing to put up with whatever's thrown at her to keep people happy are credible excuses really.

Did you say anything to him?

Just5minswithDacre Sun 03-Jul-16 02:01:26

What on earth is wrong with her that she needs telling?

Is her self ester very low?

Or does she actually share these poisonous attitudes?

AnotherTimeMaybe Sun 03-Jul-16 02:20:15

Tell her that those comments make YOU uncomfortable . That's all a you can do really anything more and she might react badly but at least she will know you're not endorsing what he's saying

AgentZigzag Sun 03-Jul-16 02:32:13

'Tell her that those comments make YOU uncomfortable .'

Why tell her?

Tell him!

She already knows he's overstepping the line. Yeah, she's going along with what he's saying, but ultimately he's responsible for the shit he's spouting.

Atenco Sun 03-Jul-16 02:33:01

She either agrees with him or doesn't feel strongly about vulnerable people being denigrated, maybe she is not the friend for you.

RebootYourEngine Sun 03-Jul-16 04:22:15

People never really want to hear what those around them think of their partner.

My sisters on/off 'partner' is an absolute useless, lazy, selfish cock who behaves like hes 13 not 30. She moans about him to me, i tell her hes a cock and she can do so much better, she agrees and then two days later hes at her house again. One day she had better wisen up for the sake of the kids.

Italiangreyhound Sun 03-Jul-16 05:25:03

Pick him up on comments in her hearing. Tell her how much you don't think he is right for her. Wear big hat to the wedding.

At the end of the day it is her choice and she will do as she wishes, unless she is so weak-willed she does as you wish! BUT you need to do the right thing nicely otherwise you will always ask yourself 'if I had said something would it have mattered?

My friend married an arse, I said nothing (she was not a very good friend), they are no longer together but had she not married him she may well not have become a mum (she married late in life) and she is happy now (without him). Later I found out her family all thought he was an arse and I think they told her, but she married him anyway.

Just do the right thing but don't shut down any doors on your friendship, and don;t let the little pip squeak get away with making any derogatory comments in your hearing.

NavyAndWhite Sun 03-Jul-16 05:48:02

Agree with others that have said its him that needs telling.

The older I've got I've become zero tolerant to twats. Call him out every single time. It might not make a difference but it might make him think.

BikeRunSki Sun 03-Jul-16 06:55:05

Telling her will make her even more defensive. About 10 years ago, a friend of mind got engaged to someone very shortly (2-3 months) after meeting him. A lot of people were surprised, as they seemed so unsuited. I plucked up the courage to question her one day, and it turns out that she was largely being driven by her desire to have children, swore blind that she loved him, that he'd be a great dad (even though he's made her get rid of her dog...) Turns out he was a twat, turns out he never stopped seeing other people. This all culminated in a showdown in the road at 2 am where she kicked him out of the house, less than a year after they were married (fortunately she wasn't pg, although they'd been trying.) .... Then she found the hidden paperwork about all the debts he's run up. 10 years on she's 40, single, miserable and still looking for a thunderbolt. He's remarried with children. That must really hurt. She admits now that she did see him as much as a sperm donor as a life partner and jumped in blindly and stupidly soon after breaking up with her previous fiancé.

Long story short - people in love with twats will marry them anyway. Questioning this will only make them more determined to do so.

Batboobs Sun 03-Jul-16 07:02:49

You can't control the choices that grown adults make, and if you try to, in all likelihood she will cut you off before she does him. You don't have to like him, but if that's who she wants to be with either accept it or end the friendship.

LondonKiwiMummy Sun 03-Jul-16 07:31:33

I feel for you. A good friend married a complete cockwomble. Under his hail fellow well met act, he was an absolute prick. Mean spirited, bullying (that word gets overused, but in this case merited) and generally loathsome.

I am afraid he won, and I lost contact with my friend. I hear they went through a bitter divorce after emigrating. I'm sorry but there's not much you can do.

Summerday11 Sun 03-Jul-16 07:57:34

Iv had a situation where pushy friends have said it was my new partners fault .( politics ) when it was my view , found it very patronising . Maybe she agrees with him ? I often told said friend what she wanted to hear to shut her up

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