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To be annoyed at how DD's friend's mum behaves?

(179 Posts)
CathCurtains Sat 02-Jul-16 22:09:52

DD (age 10, year 5) has been best friends with another girl since they were in reception. Her friend lives in the same road as us. She is a nice girl and she and DD are good friends, however she does have a tendency to be quite Princessy a lot of the time and is quite spoilt. DD says her friend will sometimes take offence at something very minor or will get into bad moods with DD for several days and won't tell DD why but will instead just blank her and ignore her. Don't get me wrong, I know what children are like and have no doubt at all that my DD isn't perfect, and I'm sure she does her fair share of that kind of behaviour. However I also know what kids are like, and the girls do usually end up best of friends again within a day or two at the most. DD says that whenever her friend gets in these moods or takes offence at minor things, she makes a huge deal about it and gets other kids flocking around her at school. DD is then sometimes left with no one to play with as they think she's been mean and the friend keeps crying and creating dramatics so that they are attentive to her.

The issue is with the friend's mum. As I said, the friend is quite spoilt and pampered, and also dramatic. The mum is very similar to her, and is attention seeking. Whenever her DD is in a bad mood with my DD, or there has been any conflict between the girls whatsoever, the mum just blanks me, and she will usually blank me for around a week and then when it's all blown over she will start talking to me again.

On Thursday at school the friend got cross with DD as DD needed the loo before going out at breaktime and friend was on her own in the playground for 2 minutes. She refused to speak to DD for the rest of the day and then came out of school crying loudly and in a very dramatic, fake way. Cue the mum then blanking me on Friday morning and afternoon. When everything is fine between the girls she is all nice and chatty.

She also paints her daughter as being a delicate precious little snowflake to others, and so sometimes when the girls fall out she will do a cryptic Facebook status that I know is aimed at DD. And then lots of other school mums, whom she's clearly moaned about DD to will reply to support her. On Thursday after the breaktime/loo incident and her DD coming out of school crying, the mum's status on Facebook was "Hate seeing my daughter so upset. It's not nice that one person can ruin her day". And then of course lots of other mums replied sending hugs to her daughter and saying poor little thing, she's such a lovely girl etc. I have no doubt that she bitches about DD and I to these other mums.

The blanking will go on for around a week. The mum drove past my house today when I was in the driveway and she blanked me. However I know DD and the friend will be best buddies again on Monday!!

Has anyone else had a similar issue with parents before? I guess the answer is to try to encourage DD to have other friendships, which we do do, however it's easier said than done if kids are determined to be friends isn't it? I know I shouldn't let the mum's behaviour bother me but it does, especially the airing dirty laundry on FB behaviour.

sepa Sat 02-Jul-16 22:15:21

What the actual hell. That mum is crazy and her DD will turn out the same. Unfortunately until your DD moves onto other friends you will probably have to just suck it up.
Following in case others have better ideas so I know what to do if this crops up with my DD in the future

calamityjam Sat 02-Jul-16 22:17:23

The mother sounds like a nightmare, spoilt princess to be honest. She will have a huge shock when the girls start high school. We had similar to this with dd. She is in year 8 now and the parents have all learned to stay well out of the girls friendships, but in Primary it was awful. I knew most of my dd's friends mums from school myself, so when the girls fell out I avoided the playground as I bknew they all took sides. I know it is hard to do, but I just ignored the situation as long as dd was happy.

BoopTheSnoot Sat 02-Jul-16 22:17:40

She sounds like as much of a child as her DD. I would encourage your own DD to branch out and encourage other friendships- it sounds like this girl is very controlling and it's not healthy in my opinion. I know kids will be kids, but this sounds ridiculous. And as for the mother- if steer well clear from now on. She sounds incredibly high maintainence.

Therealloislane Sat 02-Jul-16 22:18:01

Move schools.

BoopTheSnoot Sat 02-Jul-16 22:18:18

I'd steer well clear

RubbleBubble00 Sat 02-Jul-16 22:18:21

block her on fb for a start, then don't initiate any convo, let her start then just keep it polite and very brief

Floggingmolly Sat 02-Jul-16 22:19:00

She sounds like an utter halfwit. Does nobody else see through her? (The mum, I mean)

bingisthebest Sat 02-Jul-16 22:19:46

No real advice I'm afraid but I am probably fling to be in ur boat in a few years time.
My dd is 7 (yr2) and I'm really struggling with how difficult her friendships can be and also how the parents respond.
I'm trying to make my dd feel secure and give her confidence through clubs outside of school therefore making other friends.
However this is easier said than done in a small school.
Only recently have I seen FB posts by another school mum about s girl in my Dds class and the comments from others were dreadful 'I'll come down and sort it out' type stuff.
It's hard to ignore but must rise above it.
I will be following this thread.

CathCurtains Sat 02-Jul-16 22:21:25

The mum is one of those types that is very attention seeking and self centred, that everyone thinks is wonderful. She just seems to have the knack of having everything revolving around her and everyone fawning over her. She dresses well and has nice things so I think lots aspire to be like her.

Moving schools isn't an option as I have a younger child at the school who is happy there and overall DD is happy there too apart from when her friend is causing drama.

bingisthebest Sat 02-Jul-16 22:22:14

I think the block it on FB is a good idea. These people are sad idiots so no point trying to understand it change therefore best to ignore.

bingisthebest Sat 02-Jul-16 22:23:11

Some of the mums I have met since starting kids at school are mental!! Stay well clear b

NotYoda Sat 02-Jul-16 22:24:05

I'd Ignore Ignore Ignore. Other people will see through her

JerryFerry Sat 02-Jul-16 22:24:29

Omg this is ridiculous and highly toxic. Take the other kid out of the equation for a minute and think about what your dd is learning...to be manipulated, to be emotionally blackmailed, to be co dependent .. argh it's all bad.

You need to give your daughter the words to cope with this. For example, the toilet incident, your daughter can say, "what is wrong?" If the crying child won't answer, she can say, "If you don't tell me what's wrong, I can't help you." Then, "I'd like to get on with break time, would you like to come?" And finally, "Ok, well you haven't answered so I don't know what is wrong or whether you want you play so I am going now."

She needs words, clear phrases, and plenty of support from you in rehearsing these. They will help her all her life. She needs to learn to be independent, and confident in speaking up for herself. Once your daughter has these skills, the friendships will fall into place.

You cannot control how other children or parents behave but you can be a good role model to your child and you can support her path to healthy relationships.

As for the other mother's behaviour, you need to do the sameas your daughter. Stop engaging in this awful non friendship. Be polite, confident- and very clear about boundaries. what is the worst that can happen?

CathCurtains Sat 02-Jul-16 22:24:36

I have thought about blocking the mum and the other mums, and I would like to, but I just think it would exacerbate the situation in the long run.

I think I will try to get DD involved in a few more out of school clubs to try to make friends away from this girl.

UptownFunk00 Sat 02-Jul-16 22:25:50

Id try to get her to hang with other children more as the Mum sounds a bit strange and dramatic to me.

My upmost sympathies though as have a few Facebook friends who post quite often just to see how many people will make them feel better it seems.

CathCurtains Sat 02-Jul-16 22:28:03

Jerry, DD did pretty much leave this girl to it when she cried about DD going to the loo, but then this girl refused to speak to DD for the rest of the day, had others flocking round her as DD had been 'mean' to her, and then cried when her mum picked her up.

DD is confident about speaking up for herself, but unfortunately with her friend being a spoilt manipulative little madam it often falls on deaf ears.

Dontrocktheboat Sat 02-Jul-16 22:30:41

She sounds awful - having a nasty dig at a child on Facebook is just not appropriate ( sounds like she is acting about 10 herself). Life is too short to play mind games with fickle people and it sounds like the daughter will end up the same, with your daughter treading on eggshells around her. I would laugh it off, be polite to the mother and gently encourage other friendships, there is no way this friendship can be productive for your daughter in the long term.

JerryFerry Sat 02-Jul-16 22:34:40

Good for her, she needs to stick at it. Do not give in to this crap, it's all bad. Might be worth talking to the teacher about how you are trying to support your daughter to be more assertive. No need to bag other child, just say she feels stressed by emotional blackmail type games going on and ask whether she can help at all.

I cannot stress strongly enough how important it is for your daughter's wellbeing to be able to stand up to this. Trouble is, she sees you off-on with the other mum so her lesson is that is how friendship works.

228agreenend Sat 02-Jul-16 22:36:30

I'd be tempted to be a devils advocate and reply on Facebook and ask what happened, who was the mean person, and see if the mum is honest or evades the question. pretend you are being sympathetic, but really you are challenging her.

I hate cryptic Facebook posts which state something without giving facts.

Mummyme1987 Sat 02-Jul-16 22:37:05

Next time tell your dd to go tell the teacher that it's happening. I would have a word with the teacher myself too. I also would blank the mum all the time and just not engage . Delete on fb.

HarryPottersMagicWand Sat 02-Jul-16 22:37:23

I wouldn't engage with her when she is being friendly. Can't stand people who blow hot and cold. I'd block her on FB. If she ever mentions it I'd just say "you know exactly why" and leave it at that. You only have 1 year left of this.

CathCurtains Sat 02-Jul-16 22:38:06

I feel a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place with the mum, Jerry.

I feel like I have to be nice to her and speak to her when she decides to speak to me as if I don't then it would probably escalate and indirectly cause more problems for DD in the long run (In the form of "My mum doesn't like your mum so I can't play with you" type comments from other child).

228agreenend Sat 02-Jul-16 22:39:33

There's a mum I know from our junior school who could be really generous, looked lovely and was the queen bee. Meow ever, people slowly realised she used people. I'm sure people are aware what she's really like and probably realise she's a princess also.

trafalgargal Sat 02-Jul-16 22:43:48

So by allowing the Mum to mirror her daughter's actions by ignoring you -what message are you giving DD ?

There's a playground of Mums there -perhaps you need to seen to be chatting to other people instead of staying available for princessy Mum to bestow her company upon you. If you are chatting to someone else she can't blank you .

Take control of the situation with her other and it may reflect on how your DD responds to the daughter too.

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